trying poetry.

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

Love, butterflies in my stomach, lack of words, lack of air, lack of aw for as I stare. Beauty you have, Aphrodite is your name. Rain falls and silent is the night and as I stand here, your eyes in my sight. I wish so much to kiss your soft lips but restrictions prevent all that I have ever wanted. For you have been found wanted in another eyes and yet I cannot find it in myself not to grab your torso, pull you towards me, and not commit the crime, which I so passionately wish.

i dont know. i dont think i like it. critisize me?

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

bump...i wanna bring this back cause no one ever commented it and i need some critisizm

[TheObserver]

If you don't like just work on it more. When you say you can't find it in yourself "not to grab your torso" it makes it sound like assault or something. the song seems to be aboput nothing but physical or sexual desire and I dont know if thats what you were going for.

[Slaytus]

very very cliche.
nice try tho

[a speedo model]

yeah, it's cliche but keep working on it. you wouldn't believe how shitty my stuff was not even two years ago. with time, you'll get better. when i first started posting in this forum my work all sucked. you just need to keep writing....

[matt_rawlings]

Not to mince my words, but it was shit

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

Not to mince my words, but it was shit
hahah yeah i was just trying something new...and i wasnt expecting it to come out good...

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

yeah, it's cliche but keep working on it. you wouldn't believe how shitty my stuff was not even two years ago. with time, you'll get better. when i first started posting in this forum my work all sucked. you just need to keep writing....
thank you =]

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

If you don't like just work on it more. When you say you can't find it in yourself "not to grab your torso" it makes it sound like assault or something. the song seems to be aboput nothing but physical or sexual desire and I dont know if thats what you were going for.
haha no not really but i can see where you are coming from

[FScott]

I thought it was good and i think most of the poetry on this site sucks

[A picasso blue]

This thing is beyond being fixed. To the trashbin!

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

I thought it was good and i think most of the poetry on this site sucks
hahah thank you

[SHUTYOUREYESx]

This thing is beyond being fixed. To the trashbin!
well THATS helpful.

[a speedo model]

thank you =]

no problem.