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lochnessmonster
06/17/06, 07:29 PM
This is a complete Ep: "Nessie leaves the lake behind, just to drown in his new home at the end"


~~~

the Orioles-6, the Mariners-3

It would have been 6 months today. Our set date only 9 months away and she’ll be celebrating, but not with me. She’ll be with those kids that I never approved of. They leave a terrible taste from her mouth to mine.
I hate the taste of cheap peach champagne.

All it’s going to be is me collecting some sanctity, sitting in ‘that’ recliner, rocking back and forth, and sitting forward trying my best to breathe. I can’t breathe.
One day because of them, she’ll be waking up in a stranger’s bed and I know; I know because I told her so. I told her so many goddamn times but she surrounds herself in this by a choice that shouldn’t be left to her. It’s a decision that shouldn’t be left to anyone and I tried showing but I tampered too much and ended up ruining myself. I ruined everything for me.

We’re both so lucky we made it out in time. Before I became the husband you always wanted and before you became my wife.
Before we brought children into this emotional wreck because that’s what it is; that’s what IT is.




I took prescription drugs

Do you see where you went wrong? Your sirens are so loud, almost deafening.
Do you see the guilt being built on unstable ground? Lock me up for crimes against humanity.
Crying for recovery; relief is a pill.
Sleep is for the weak and inside I’m worn out.
Do you find pleasure? What is your thrill?
I’ve buried myself in doubt, soaked up the nutrients, taken these stale vitamins but I want the easiest way to feel a remedy saved in a capsule.
This result is painless, and it’s been done so many times before.
My ailment in a little red bottle I keep in a drawer, next to my bed where I long to call it my home.

Do you see the mistakes you’ve made? Your sirens are so vague, almost deafening.
My sentence is cruel; you’re unruly.
Crying for recovery; relief is a pill.
Sleep is for the weak and inside I’m worn out.
Do you find pleasure? What is your thrill?
I’ve buried myself in doubt, soaked up the nutrients, taken these stale vitamins but I want the easiest way to feel a remedy saved in a capsule.
The result is repetitive and it’s been done so many times before.
My ailment in a little red bottle I keep in a drawer, next to my bed where I long to call it my home.

White walls, fluorescent lights: the first things I see with sore red eyes while the pain relief is caught in my throat.
I’m sentenced to a bed; I’m feeling safe.
This dose has saved me, but I’m still searching for relief.




She wears freckles like a tiara

Apartment out by the horse track - the sound of the announcer can be heard with a window view of an old boxcar where red weeds grow up the back.

Her skin exposed with our clothes in the backseat.
I notice freckles that weren’t there before.
Flesh colored young lovers for the first time.

Her skin is a fire that keeps me warm and guides me through the night. We were young lovers once. Flesh colored young lovers for the first time.

The salt of her skin burned the raw surface of my bottom lip but she tasted so good. It shivered through my bones.
When she arched her back, all I could hear were her shouts and laughs.
And we are flesh colored young lovers.

When she arched her back, all I heard were her shouts and laughs. My hand on the bottom of her ribs…





I took more prescription drugs

Where is she? Did she ever find her Mr. Darcy that she had written about?
Empty martini glasses while she sat and watched her parents drink the night away.
And so I went looking for her and I found her, but I didn’t like what I had found.
Seeing her in a black silk dress, it took alot for me to keep from shaking.




I missed home

This has to be the end. Mouth dripping spit from desperation. I am so sick.
I’m feeling this anxiety break me down.
I need to reach inside my suitcase, so for a pill, any pills I can find to make me calm down somehow and drown the fear that I’m no longer wanted by you.
And I have no clue what this medication does not that I give a shit. Just anything could cure me except for your genius sermon speak or the way you move your body.
Because you make me miss my family more than anything and you should have been the replacement that I need to help me cope with the complexity of home sickness though you only made it worse.
You cause comparisons of Utah and Texas; where I’d rather be: mountain or central time.

I have a very difficult prescription, a difficult choice, and a difficult feeling of weathered altruism.

My heart is like an angry swarm of bees. Faster and louder; they buzz faster and louder.

And like that, I’m in the Lone star state with only god knowing I feel this way, and only god can make it change.
I’m quivering as I write these words down. I don’t care if it’s legible, only if it reaches home.

My heart is like an angry swarm of bees; faster and louder, they buzz faster and louder.
I miss the beehive state, oh god, I miss the beehive state.
I miss the beehive state, oh god, I miss the beehive state.
Oh Christ, I miss my home.

a speedo model
06/19/06, 07:03 AM
this is really fucking good.

OveriseFan
06/19/06, 08:54 AM
Some of this is amazing, other stuff is like "What the fuck"

It's like a bunch of great oneliners with filler like "Then I drank a sip of water" thrown in between. You've got really great amazing stuff. But you're just telling us at times.

"Woke up in the afternoon and while she was at the library, I cried in the shower."

That's just stupid... really.

lochnessmonster
06/19/06, 06:04 PM
Some of this is amazing, other stuff is like "What the fuck"

It's like a bunch of great oneliners with filler like "Then I drank a sip of water" thrown in between. You've got really great amazing stuff. But you're just telling us at times.

"Woke up in the afternoon and while she was at the library, I cried in the shower."

That's just stupid... really.
it's all stuff that really happened. sorry if my life is stupid.

OveriseFan
06/19/06, 06:34 PM
it's all stuff that really happened. sorry if my life is stupid.

Some advice, writer to writer.

No one cares what really happened. You're the story teller. If you're gonna remain 100% true, at least state it in an interesting manner. That's boring and spoonfeeding the reader, and the reader is left with nothing to ponder.

wyverna
06/20/06, 08:32 AM
Just because it actually happened, doesn't mean you have to write it so... obviously. Try telling it in a different way; that's the challenge. I don't know if that made any sense to you, though.

And some of it was really good, I was impressed. Well done.

lochnessmonster
06/20/06, 08:51 AM
i made some changes and dropped some of the songs and added more. i'll definently work on it more though.

parallelism
06/20/06, 11:45 AM
i made some changes and dropped some of the songs and added more. i'll definently work on it more though.

I personally liked the parts that were "just like, what the fuck?" becuase it mixed it up a bit. You can't write good material solely on one-liners. I think that the "telling" lines helped give a solid backdrop and foundation for the metaphors, one liners, etc.

Plus, fitting those types of lines into songs would be a task in itself and I would commend you if you could do it.

I still like the way it is now, as well.

OveriseFan
06/20/06, 02:09 PM
I personally liked the parts that were "just like, what the fuck?" becuase it mixed it up a bit. You can't write good material solely on one-liners. I think that the "telling" lines helped give a solid backdrop and foundation for the metaphors, one liners, etc.

Plus, fitting those types of lines into songs would be a task in itself and I would commend you if you could do it.

I still like the way it is now, as well.

I never said it ALL was one-liners, I said he was telling us rather than showing.

Look up something about writing online. It'll tell you the same thing with examples. I'm too lazy to type up one right now.

parallelism
06/20/06, 04:10 PM
I never said it ALL was one-liners, I said he was telling us rather than showing.

Look up something about writing online. It'll tell you the same thing with examples. I'm too lazy to type up one right now.

I wasn't implying that you said that.

I was simply referring to the same sections of the piece that you were, and then stating that you can't write only one-liners. I didn't mean to sound as if I were bashing your comment or anything even remotely close to that.

I know about writing, the traits of writing, etc. and I don't need examples. I was only saying that I didn't feel that the "telling" was overly done and I didn't feel that it was stupid at all.

I felt that it was fine the way it was, but it is a little bit stronger now. There is still a lot of telling, which is actually odd for me to like, but most of the changes that I can see were for the better.

lochnessmonster
06/28/06, 08:03 PM
i changed it even more.