View Full Version : How hard should it be to end a friendship?
heeeeeey
12/07/09, 11:11 PM
(bolded for the tl;dr crowd)
So I've been best friends with this guy for 8 years and liked him on and off for the past 4 years.
He's naturally distant, but he's always been a good friend. we'd hang out for entire days at a time.
requisite best-friends-in-limbo shit: we could read each others' minds, he wrote a song for me, i saved him from cops, his mom adores me, etc.
for the past year things have felt different, so we hung out less frequently and barely talked.
he spent the night at my place on my birthday but nothing happened becauuuuuuse:
during the summer i found out that he started dating this girl he's liked since high school.
which i'm fine with (really), but now he doesn't return my (infrequent) phone calls or texts. the last time he picked up, he was on a 10 hour drive to visit his girlfriend.
last weekend my roommate and i stopped by cause we were in his neighborhood. i didn't want to go, but i figured it would be a test to see where our friendship stood.
i didn't really talk to him bc i felt uncomfortable being there, he made little effort to talk to me. my roommate carried the conversation.
He was looking at tickets to visit his gf again.
she called after we'd been there for 40 min and he went to the bathroom to talk to her.
i get that he's in love, but we hadn't seen each other in 2+ months and he obviously talks to her almost every day.
he came out just as we were about to leave, and though he looked surprised, he told his gf "hold on, let me say bye" and that was it.
he's never been inconsiderate before, but now he's acting like a dick. i am ready to throw in the towel on this friendship.
my roommate says i shouldn't because we have so much history. i have no desire to talk to him or see him, but i do want an explanation.
he's liked her forever, but she is a known heartbreaker. i don't know if i want to be there for him when she does the same to him. he's putting off law school for her, spending a shit ton of money to see her when his family is cash-strapped, and i don't want to feel like i'm intruding every time i call or see him. since we've been drifting apart for the past year anyways, it seems like i should just let him go.
sooo... if you've made it this far, am i overreacting? anyone deal with a similar situation before-- any advice?
AndrewIcex
12/08/09, 12:07 AM
Love changes people.
bstthngunvrhd7
12/08/09, 12:13 AM
I mean it really all depends how much you value your friendship...I have a friend that still goes with a guy that literally went psycho on her and messed up her place, stole her dog and made her life a living hell for quite a bit, and she's back with him or is at least associating with him after she had their baby recently.
And there have been times where I have wanted to just not talk to her because she continuously lets him back into her life but then I realize she's one of my best friends in the ENTIRE world and guy drama shouldn't get between that.
cuzimlefthanded
12/08/09, 12:17 AM
Sounds like throughout this entire "friend" period, he's liked you. Once this new chick came along, he replaced you with her. Same thing happened to a good friend of mine.
it seems like if you just stopped talking to him altogether, it would be easier than having some kind of awkward discussion about it, which may potentially ensue in a shitty fight and hostile feelings. this has happened to me before, and with the people i simply stopped talking to, i now have a better relationship with. we are still close in a sense and i can talk to them if i ever need anything, but at the same time we don't talk every single day about everything that is going on in our lives.
i'm not sure if that makes any sense. either way, best of luck to you.
Could it be that he has a jealous gf who doesn"t like him to hang out with you? Just my guess
deathinkosovo
12/08/09, 01:51 AM
Try ignoring him for a little bit, maybe a week or two. If he doesn't sense something is up, then maybe it is better to just let him go.
Open your legs and invite him in.
Jennurna Gray
12/08/09, 03:46 AM
Time makes the heart grow fonder.
Give it time, try ignoring him for a while like Deathinkosovo said.
But I don't think a few weeks'll do it, since you hadn't seen him in months and he still acted like a dick.
Maybe talking to him would be a good idea, I mean don't attack him, just say something like 'What happened to us? We're growing apart and I don't want that to happen.".
Jasper112
12/08/09, 04:17 AM
Tell him u would do anal.
trappedintime
12/08/09, 04:42 AM
Damn, I hate when this happens. I would just say hold off on the friendship, as in let him do his own thing and if he doesn't come around then just stop talking to him.
Jennurna Gray
12/08/09, 04:46 AM
In in kind of the same situation, I'm ready to just give up and then him that he can pick up where I left off. But I'm not ready to lose him when he doesn't. I need him more than he needs me.
Charles777
12/08/09, 05:08 AM
Easy enough.
go tell your dog that Santa wont be coming this year.
Deadbolt23
12/08/09, 06:58 AM
I wouldn't say ignore him, or cut him off. Just call every couple of weeks just for a little chat. People change, especially when they get into a relationship. They have to change if they want the relationship to work.
If he still means a lot to you, then you'll keep him as a friend, but let him do his own thing. Then when the relationship falls apart, you will be there for him. It's not the nicest thing to do, but I've been in both situations, and sometimes it's just what has to happen.
iAMhollyood315
12/08/09, 07:15 AM
go tell your dog that Santa wont be coming this year.
http://haleyo12.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/drunk_santa.jpg
Christmas has been canceled!
deFobbed14yrs
12/08/09, 08:21 AM
http://haleyo12.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/drunk_santa.jpg
Christmas has been canceled!
nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! santa wHYYYYYY!!!!
sleepyseanzzz
12/08/09, 08:26 AM
let it go, it's over, you lost your chance. don't be pissed at him for holding off law school and spending money when his family is strapped for cash, it's not her fault he's doing that for her so it's not like she's ruining him or not in his best interest. you can tell him how you feel and that you are defriending him because of it but you should let it go and find someone else like he did.
BlackAxxe
12/08/09, 09:10 AM
Yo man, its tough to deal with a situation like this. I currently have a "friend" of whom i am trying to distance myself from but since we are at the same university its hard to deal with. This "friend" really fucked me over big time, and like you we had been friends for a really long time. Its a hard situation to be in but I am sure you will get through it alright dude, just understand that you can choose your friends and that if this person is not meant to be your mate then thats just how its meant to turn out. Dont get all worked up over it man, just move on from it and deal with it as best you can. You really need to try and get past this and decide that he is not the friend for you. Fuck him man, its not worth getting messed up over.
BBScience
12/08/09, 09:16 AM
Dude probably resents you for the 8 years of friendship you put him through, seems pretty obvious he liked you for most of that time?
He's found someone who actually returns his emotions in a positive way. Why would he want to be friends with the girl who kept his dick locked away in a jar for 8 years? Did you expect him to wait around and write you songs forever?
My friends over you obviously doesn't apply because you are of opposite sexes. Just end it and move on
sleepyseanzzz
12/08/09, 10:01 AM
Dude probably resents you for the 8 years of friendship you put him through, seems pretty obvious he liked you for most of that time?
He's found someone who actually returns his emotions in a positive way. Why would he want to be friends with the girl who kept his dick locked away in a jar for 8 years? Did you expect him to wait around and write you songs forever?
this is the best post in this thread, hit the nail right on the head. whoa. i rhymed.
tacosmakemoney
12/08/09, 10:03 AM
I always vote for the awkward discussion. They suck but usually get the job done.
x13looDx
12/08/09, 10:03 AM
just don't make an effort, friends are lame anyway. you're better off not trying
heeeeeey
12/08/09, 10:04 AM
My friends over you obviously doesn't apply because you are of opposite sexes. Just end it and move on
haha that was what i was going to title the thread
heeeeeey
12/08/09, 10:09 AM
Dude probably resents you for the 8 years of friendship you put him through, seems pretty obvious he liked you for most of that time?
He's found someone who actually returns his emotions in a positive way. Why would he want to be friends with the girl who kept his dick locked away in a jar for 8 years? Did you expect him to wait around and write you songs forever?
well not really.
if anything, his current girlfriend toyed with his emotions (but not dick). in high school, he was infatuated with her and would do anything for her, but that didn't affect OUR friendship. we were still very close because neither of us liked each other. she strung him along for high school and ignored him for the first 3 years after graduation.... the three years i was there for him and one of his few friends still in our hometown.
now that she finally realized she's never going to find anyone better, she wants him and he drops everything-- i mean everything, family, friends, future-- for her. that's not the guy i know. it's like he's living out his high school fantasy and i know how it will end.
heeeeeey
12/08/09, 10:11 AM
it seems like if you just stopped talking to him altogether, it would be easier than having some kind of awkward discussion about it, which may potentially ensue in a shitty fight and hostile feelings. this has happened to me before, and with the people i simply stopped talking to, i now have a better relationship with. we are still close in a sense and i can talk to them if i ever need anything, but at the same time we don't talk every single day about everything that is going on in our lives.
i'm not sure if that makes any sense. either way, best of luck to you.
thanks, that's my gut feeling too.
heeeeeey
12/08/09, 10:12 AM
In in kind of the same situation, I'm ready to just give up and then him that he can pick up where I left off. But I'm not ready to lose him when he doesn't. I need him more than he needs me.
we'll get through this! be strong!
heeeeeey
12/08/09, 10:21 AM
Try ignoring him for a little bit, maybe a week or two. If he doesn't sense something is up, then maybe it is better to just let him go.
well like i said, for the past year he's been acting strange-- before he even started dating her.
i noticed that he'd get antsy to leave after being together for a few hours, but we used to have fun for 12 hour stretches at a time.
there were more and more awkward silences.
he'd cancel on me -- usually with a valid reason, but before our friendship was more of a priority.
and he's always relied on me to call to make plans. that's just how he is with all the people in his life.
i've gone months without calling him before-- not always out of spite-- but things would be fine when we were together.
when i noticed things were changing, we just started drifting more and more apart and he did nothing to stop it, so i think i know how he feels about the situation.
it hurts more because i see how enthusiastic he is for his girlfriend and he was never like that with me, but i still expected him to love me as a friend.
cuzimlefthanded
12/08/09, 11:59 AM
Dude probably resents you for the 8 years of friendship you put him through, seems pretty obvious he liked you for most of that time?
He's found someone who actually returns his emotions in a positive way. Why would he want to be friends with the girl who kept his dick locked away in a jar for 8 years? Did you expect him to wait around and write you songs forever?
Yup. So much this.
Dude probably resents you for the 8 years of friendship you put him through, seems pretty obvious he liked you for most of that time?
He's found someone who actually returns his emotions in a positive way. Why would he want to be friends with the girl who kept his dick locked away in a jar for 8 years? Did you expect him to wait around and write you songs forever?
CAN I GET AN AMEN FROM THE CONGREGATION?!?!?
well like i said, for the past year he's been acting strange-- before he even started dating her.
i noticed that he'd get antsy to leave after being together for a few hours, but we used to have fun for 12 hour stretches at a time.
there were more and more awkward silences.
he'd cancel on me -- usually with a valid reason, but before our friendship was more of a priority.
and he's always relied on me to call to make plans. that's just how he is with all the people in his life.
i've gone months without calling him before-- not always out of spite-- but things would be fine when we were together.
when i noticed things were changing, we just started drifting more and more apart and he did nothing to stop it, so i think i know how he feels about the situation.
it hurts more because i see how enthusiastic he is for his girlfriend and he was never like that with me, but i still expected him to love me as a friend.
Love you as a friend? If you had fun 12 hour stretches of time hanging out, there was more on his mind than just a friendship.
I live in a duplex that is evenly split between guys and girls around the same age. Naturally, my roommate started up a little romance/friendship thing with one of the females in our duplex who hangs out all the time around us and is very affectionate towards my friend. She also has an almost-boyfriend in Alabama who she spent spent thanksgiving with and got railed daily by this douche who wears Ed Hardy and has an IQ that's 10 percent of his bench press. At any rate, she wanted things to return to their almost relationship, more friendship with benefits with my friend. His mantra right now is "I need to stay the fuck away from _____" which is causing her some tears and some grief because he's out of her life. Guys and girls can't be best friends without at some point, someone wants to fuck the other.
Its called just desserts.
Just remember, a blowie a day keeps the whores away.
BBScience
12/08/09, 01:32 PM
well not really.
if anything, his current girlfriend toyed with his emotions (but not dick). in high school, he was infatuated with her and would do anything for her, but that didn't affect OUR friendship. we were still very close because neither of us liked each other. she strung him along for high school and ignored him for the first 3 years after graduation.... the three years i was there for him and one of his few friends still in our hometown.
now that she finally realized she's never going to find anyone better, she wants him and he drops everything-- i mean everything, family, friends, future-- for her. that's not the guy i know. it's like he's living out his high school fantasy and i know how it will end.
I find all this extremely ironic.
The same stuff this other girl did is exactly the same relationship behavior that you conditioned him for. He spent 8 years on the back burner, being your friend, and lets be honest; No guy spends 12 hours a day with a girl he doesn't want, it's not rocket science. You yourself admit that you had feelings for him "on and off", isn't it logical that he felt the same, or possibly he liked you even more? Do him a favor and let him enjoy himself.
Jennurna Gray
12/08/09, 02:31 PM
we'll get through this! be strong!
:) We will have to.
DanielJames
12/08/09, 04:15 PM
At this point, it seems better for you to just take a step back. If he tries to contact you, great. If he doesn't, well t's not much different from how it is now I suppose.
DanielJames
12/08/09, 04:17 PM
I find all this extremely ironic.
The same stuff this other girl did is exactly the same relationship behavior that you conditioned him for. He spent 8 years on the back burner, being your friend, and lets be honest; No guy spends 12 hours a day with a girl he doesn't want, it's not rocket science. You yourself admit that you had feelings for him "on and off", isn't it logical that he felt the same, or possibly he liked you even more? Do him a favor and let him enjoy himself.
Brings up a good point.
EvilZeppelin
12/08/09, 04:57 PM
CAN I GET AN AMEN FROM THE CONGREGATION?!?!?
AMEN!
heeeeeey
12/08/09, 05:09 PM
I find all this extremely ironic.
The same stuff this other girl did is exactly the same relationship behavior that you conditioned him for. He spent 8 years on the back burner, being your friend, and lets be honest; No guy spends 12 hours a day with a girl he doesn't want, it's not rocket science. You yourself admit that you had feelings for him "on and off", isn't it logical that he felt the same, or possibly he liked you even more? Do him a favor and let him enjoy himself.
it's not the same.
Her:
high school: accepted gifts from him, let him pay for her on dates, insisted she didn't like him "like that," wouldn't let him close to her, which DUH makes guys like her more. (she hurt another friend of mine similarly, which is when i stopped being friends with her)
college years: ignored him, dropped out of college after a year, realized she was friendless because everyone gave up trying to be friends with her
last summer: came crawling back to him because she realized he was something great
Me:
high school: solid friendship, unaffected by his crush on her, platonic
college years: got a lot closer, less platonic. talked online, in person, on the phone.
recently: he's totally unavailable
it's possible that he had feelings for me, but it's not like he's coy about liking someone. it's not that he waited 8 years for me and gave up. he waited 8 years for her and got it. i know it won't ever be the same, but is it too much to ask to have a few hours with him every once in a while?
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