9 year old half sister doesn't know I exist

[warstory]

To make a very long story sort of short
I've not seen my biological father in probably over 15 years
After my mom left him he married and had a child with his new wife.
When I turned 18 I started having somewhat steady (i'd say monthly) contact via facebook with my father.

Just recently I get an email from the woman he married which in short said
"Your father and i have been divorced for a few years. I am the reason he was breifly in contact with you when you were 13. I have been wanting to contact you for a long time but didn't want to cause any emotional turmoil for you. Your father tells me not to get involved in his past but I'm feeling conflicted. My daughter has been been expressing interest in wanting another sibling and it is getting harder and harder for me to lie about your existence for your fathers sake. He does not want to tell her. I think you have the right to know your sister."

I replied telling her what a blessing she is and that I would love to know my sister but that she should do whatever is in my sister's best interest and not to let my selfishness get in the way.

I guess my question is do you think it would be damaging to a 9 year to be told she has a half sister living on the other side of the country? Would it be weird to try to have a relationship with this girl? Is it bad that I would rather have her in my life than stay on good terms with my father? If my fathers ex decided not to tell her daughter about me should I contact her when she is older and make her resentful towards everyone or just let it go?
Aghh

[wroteurname]

yikes

[AndrewIcex]

Oh wow, I am not sure on this one.

[kaycey]

+1

edit: yikes is right. your dad is a dick.

[AbandonShip!!!]

Your initial reply was spot on, in my opinion. A couple questions I would ask myself if I were you:

Do you trust your father's original judgment when he withheld this information from both you and your half sister?

Do you think you would make a good role model for this probably very impressionable young girl?

Do you want to be involved with this woman and her daughter? Are there any foreseeable risks involved?

And although i'm betting you don't want to, you might consider talking to your father about it.

[Andy Young]

I say if her mother believes it would be good for her daughter to have that older sibling/role model in her life and you are up to that then I don't see how it could hurt. On the other side if she would rather not tell her about you then it would probably be best to respect her decision and stay out of the picture. Just my opinion, hope it helps.

[HometownHero]

Your dad sounds like my dad. We can hate them together

[saysmydoctor]

Dude, this is an Oprah episode. This has book club potential.

[CTMarshall]

I'd say contact her now.

[nateRLP]

this happened to me as well. from my experience, your first priority is not causing turmoil among your father's family by alienating him from the process. talk to him about it first. when you, your dad, and your dad's wife all come to a mutual understanding on what is expectable, act accordingly.

[zion the lion]

This was the thread I was born to post in. When I was 9, I would have been ecstatic to find out about an older sibling. In all honesty I was ecstatic about finding out about half of my younger siblings. I was raised an only child, but my dad is a manwhore, he has more than 12 children, only the set of twins and the 3 and 4 year old actually have the same mothers, and I really wanted some form of a connection with my siblings. I was happy just knowing, even though I was in alaska and they were scattered all over the lower 48.

Her reaction might be different, but trust me, she should know about you. She should at least have that chance of knowing you. I know a lot of people who didnt know that they had siblings until they were adults, and I think she'd be less bitter about it now, than she would be if she knew about it 10 or 15 years from now.

[Smeee]

I don't think it would be bad for your half-sister... you'd definitely need to make the effort to visit her though. As her mother says, she could do with a sister.

And definitely don't "contact her when she is older and make her resentful towards everyone". That, in my humble opinion, would be what we call a "dick move" :-).

[open mind]

never turn away from a chance to start a good relationship with a family member.

[Jennurna Gray]

To make a very long story sort of short
I've not seen my biological father in probably over 15 years
After my mom left him he married and had a child with his new wife.
When I turned 18 I started having somewhat steady (i'd say monthly) contact via facebook with my father.

Just recently I get an email from the woman he married which in short said
"Your father and i have been divorced for a few years. I am the reason he was breifly in contact with you when you were 13. I have been wanting to contact you for a long time but didn't want to cause any emotional turmoil for you. Your father tells me not to get involved in his past but I'm feeling conflicted. My daughter has been been expressing interest in wanting another sibling and it is getting harder and harder for me to lie about your existence for your fathers sake. He does not want to tell her. I think you have the right to know your sister."

I replied telling her what a blessing she is and that I would love to know my sister but that she should do whatever is in my sister's best interest and not to let my selfishness get in the way.

I guess my question is do you think it would be damaging to a 9 year to be told she has a half sister living on the other side of the country? Would it be weird to try to have a relationship with this girl? Is it bad that I would rather have her in my life than stay on good terms with my father? If my fathers ex decided not to tell her daughter about me should I contact her when she is older and make her resentful towards everyone or just let it go?
Aghh

I think you should try and get in contact with her, no matter what your father thinks, she IS your sister. And if her mother decides not to, I would try when she gets a bit older. People think you'll have nothing in common with half sisters that you haven't met for your whole lives, but that's wrong. In January I just met my dad, and on Valentine's day I met my two half sisters who have turned out to be some of my best friends. There's no words to describe the astounding relations we had even before we got to know each other.
I also have a friend who lives in Wisconsin and has recently met her dad who lives in Florida with his wife and two kids, and she also has a brother who lives with his mom somewhere else in Wisconsin. Anyway, she has a 9 year old sister, too, and they're very close. :)
Hope things work well for you, hon.

[Kozzy333]

Get to know her. You will regret it if you don't.

[MentalHealth1st]

I have found myself in a similar situation. If you want to know your sister, I can only say that I hope you're always there for her, as she already has suffered a divorce. With my (half)sister, I try to leave our father out of the equation, especially with negative speak. Our relationship is about us, as sisters, not the sad common denominator. Maybe that will change as she transitions into adulthood, but for now I just want to be something stable and healthy for her.

Best of luck to you.

[warstory]

this happened to me as well. from my experience, your first priority is not causing turmoil among your father's family by alienating him from the process. talk to him about it first. when you, your dad, and your dad's wife all come to a mutual understanding on what is expectable, act accordingly.
His parents deny me
he is completely useless to me and we know nothing about each other and have no sort of relationship at all
from what i have heard he also has minimal involvement with his other daughter
should I really give a damn about him and his side of the family?
I'm way more concerned about my sister her mother and myself.

[jmirand1]

I think you should try and get in contact with her, no matter what your father thinks, she IS your sister. And if her mother decides not to, I would try when she gets a bit older. People think you'll have nothing in common with half sisters that you haven't met for your whole lives, but that's wrong. In January I just met my dad, and on Valentine's day I met my two half sisters who have turned out to be some of my best friends. There's no words to describe the astounding relations we had even before we got to know each other.
I also have a friend who lives in Wisconsin and has recently met her dad who lives in Florida with his wife and two kids, and she also has a brother who lives with his mom somewhere else in Wisconsin. Anyway, she has a 9 year old sister, too, and they're very close. :)
Hope things work well for you, hon.

It's crazy how much you have in common with relatives you've never met. I never knew any of my cousins on my dad's side until the past year and it's insane how similar they all are to me.

[Anything1216]

Damaging? no. Confusing. Probably.
I say she will eventually thank you for getting involved in her life.

[saysmydoctor]

Warstory, the best piece of advice I can honestly give you is to ignore zion the lion's post. That story probably isn't even true.

[sleepyseanzzz]

my best friend has an older half brother in texas that he never met, he was always aware of him and they are friends on facebook but he has his own life and isn't really involved with my best friend's family

[pretty.over.it.]

i say you should get in contact with her. i have two half brothers who i have lived with my whole life so they are pretty much just full brothers to me. its weird to think of them as half brothers. and their dad is almost like a second dad to me and all of us hang out quite a lot. if my brothers were kept secret from me until i was much older i would have been disappointed. definitely get to know her now because it would be more awkward meeting your sister when shes older. this way if you meet her while shes young, youll have a chance to bond with her faster.

[And Hours Pass]

To make a very long story sort of short
I've not seen my biological father in probably over 15 years
After my mom left him he married and had a child with his new wife.
When I turned 18 I started having somewhat steady (i'd say monthly) contact via facebook with my father.

Just recently I get an email from the woman he married which in short said
"Your father and i have been divorced for a few years. I am the reason he was breifly in contact with you when you were 13. I have been wanting to contact you for a long time but didn't want to cause any emotional turmoil for you. Your father tells me not to get involved in his past but I'm feeling conflicted. My daughter has been been expressing interest in wanting another sibling and it is getting harder and harder for me to lie about your existence for your fathers sake. He does not want to tell her. I think you have the right to know your sister."

I replied telling her what a blessing she is and that I would love to know my sister but that she should do whatever is in my sister's best interest and not to let my selfishness get in the way.

I guess my question is do you think it would be damaging to a 9 year to be told she has a half sister living on the other side of the country? Would it be weird to try to have a relationship with this girl? Is it bad that I would rather have her in my life than stay on good terms with my father? If my fathers ex decided not to tell her daughter about me should I contact her when she is older and make her resentful towards everyone or just let it go?
Aghh
My dad had a child before marrying my mother and having my sister and I. While we got to spend time with our older half-sister when we were younger, relations soured between our father and her mother and we never saw her again (I was pretty young when this divide occurred).

I ended up reaching out to her behind my parents' back when I was around 15/16 and ended up reforming a relationship with her. At the end of the day we were family, and that's what mattered. I think that eventually this girl's mother is going to tell her if she doesn't now, and the girl will end up contacting you. I would do whatever the mother thinks is in her best interest (my guess is getting in contact with you) and start forming a relationship, even if a long distance one, with her. It meant a lot to me when I did it, and I was the younger one.

Hope that helps.

[warstory]

i say you should get in contact with her. i have two half brothers who i have lived with my whole life so they are pretty much just full brothers to me. its weird to think of them as half brothers. and their dad is almost like a second dad to me and all of us hang out quite a lot. if my brothers were kept secret from me until i was much older i would have been disappointed. definitely get to know her now because it would be more awkward meeting your sister when shes older. this way if you meet her while shes young, youll have a chance to bond with her faster.
I have another half sister (from my mom's side) that I have known since she was born and we are inseparable. It definitely makes me resent the fact that I've already missed out on 9 years of gettin gto know this other girl. :) Anywho thanks for the advice! :D

[argg_xo]

Zion is like my Grandpa, she has a story for everything and tries to out trump you no matter what the situation.

[isntnikione]

I definitely think that if her mom (the person who probably knows her child best) doesn't think it's a bad idea, you should get to know her.
What have you got to lose? You might develop an amazing relationship.

One of my housemates keeps in contact with her older half brother despite not being in contact with the father they both share and despite never having lived together. Honestly when they first met they used to fight alot because they were fighting for their dad's attention, but now they are extremely close and take care of each other. I know it might seems daunting but you have a right to get to know your sister and your dad can't stop you from doing so.

[new_arbiter]

Zion is like my Grandpa, she has a story for everything and tries to out trump you no matter what the situation.

At least grandfather stories usually involve fighting Nazis or something like that.

[argg_xo]

At least grandfather stories usually involve fighting Nazis or something like that.
Hmmm, not really. My grandpa's stories usually involve something to do wih Kentucky and moonshine or relatives I've never heard of.

[MyNameIsRoss]

what everyone else said

[new_arbiter]

Hmmm, not really. My grandpa's stories usually involve something to do wih Kentucky and moonshine or relatives I've never heard of.

Haha, I think I would enjoy hearing stories about moonshine.

[the1]

Zion is like my Grandpa, she has a story for everything and tries to out trump you no matter what the situation.

The ignore list. I used it and never looked back.

[Sventhegreat]

I don't think it would be weird to try to have a relationship with her. It may be hard at first for her, seeing as she is only nine. Over time I think it could be a good thing though.

[atticus18244fss]

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

[Sic Transit Zeb]

Let the your dad's newest ex-wife decide. If she wants you guys to get in contact, then go for it. It is your sister. Enjoy it!

[briannedixon]

go for it. i met my half-sister who i had an idea of existing but hardly any real proof when i was 10, and i'm really glad i did, even if we don't really communicate much to this day.

plus, i think it'll be really, really, really awkward/weirder if you waited and then decided to meet her when she's 19 instead of 9 or something.

[Rid Ickulous]

Brother/Sister and "Your Fathers Child" are two different things, just keep that in mind.

[crimsonandclovr]

i'm not good with advices, but i do know the feeling of someone who's been lied to. i would hate to be that 9 year old girl who grows up and when she's in her 20s or whatever, will suddenly find out that she has a sister somewhere. it's going to suck, no matter what. it's just going to hurt all the same, so waiting waiting might not be good. and i feel like it would be more damaging for her if you wait until she's older. i just can't imagine living that long and having something THIS big being kept from me.

your dad seems like a douchebag of the first order, and maybe you guys finding each other would be the good thing throughout all this.

[zion the lion]

Zion is like my Grandpa, she has a story for everything and tries to out trump you no matter what the situation.

I wasnt trying to trump, I was trying to give my opinion based on how I've reacted and how many of my siblings know about me and how many dont. You dont have to be a bitch.

[zion the lion]

I have another half sister (from my mom's side) that I have known since she was born and we are inseparable. It definitely makes me resent the fact that I've already missed out on 9 years of gettin gto know this other girl. :) Anywho thanks for the advice! :D

If her mom is okay with it, dont let anymore time pass by. Think about it this way, you're her older sister, and she's about to go through that whole annoying awkward part of her life, and you'll be able to give her advice or be someone she confides in when she doesnt want to tell her mom things.

[argg_xo]

The ignore list. I used it and never looked back.
Tempting.
Haha, I think I would enjoy hearing stories about moonshine.
Pig Stevens is the biggest moonnshiner my grandpa knows, I met Pig once.
I wasnt trying to trump, I was trying to give my opinion based on how I've reacted and how many of my siblings know about me and how many dont. You dont have to be a bitch.
You think I'm being a bitch?

[zion the lion]

Tempting.

Pig Stevens is the biggest moonnshiner my grandpa knows, I met Pig once.

You think I'm being a bitch?

I think it's rude to act like I'm trying to story trump on something as serious as this, or act like it's just a story. I thought it was pretty good advice, on something I know a lot about.

[argg_xo]

I think it's rude to act like I'm trying to story trump on something as serious as this, or act like it's just a story. I thought it was pretty good advice, on something I know a lot about.
I actually don't know when to believe your stories and when not to, so yes, to me it seems like you are trying to constantly trump everyone.

[zion the lion]

I actually don't know when to believe your stories and when not to, so yes, to me it seems like you are trying to constantly trump everyone.

Which of my "stories" seem fake to you?

None of stories are fake, so I guess none of them are story trumping.

[argg_xo]

Which of my "stories" seem fake to you?

None of stories are fake, so I guess none of them are story trumping.
I actually don't believe anything you post, so all of them.

[zion the lion]

I actually don't believe anything you post, so all of them.

Hmm why is that?

[argg_xo]

Hmm why is that?
Because it just seems to me that you want attention and make up outrageous stories that you know will cause attention. Like I said before, it seems like you want to trump everyone.

[zion the lion]

Because it just seems to me that you want attention and make up outrageous stories that you know will cause attention. Like I said before, it seems like you want to trump everyone.

I dont really like attention, I try to avoid it in my everyday life, which really does translate here too. I dont think there's one thing I've said here about my life that is outrageous (other than one story that someone asked about earlier this year) and in all honesty, nobody here who accuses of me of lying ever provides me with any example of any story that I've told that seemed like a lie.

And again, I dont trump, I dont want to/care about trumping, and what I said here didnt seem to me like trumping at all.

[argg_xo]

I dont really like attention, I try to avoid it in my everyday life, which really does translate here too. I dont think there's one thing I've said here about my life that is outrageous (other than one story that someone asked about earlier this year) and in all honesty, nobody here who accuses of me of lying ever provides me with any example of any story that I've told that seemed like a lie.

And again, I dont trump, I dont want to/care about trumping, and what I said here didnt seem to me like trumping at all.
Well, this is just my opinion, sorry if no one else has ever said anything about it.

[zion the lion]

Well, this is just my opinion, sorry if no one else has ever said anything about it.

It's a cop out, but whatever, your opinion is your opinion, and your truth is your truth, even when it doesnt correspond with the actual truth.

When some variation of the Cassandra syndrome happens to you, maybe you'll understand my frustration, but until then auf wiedersehen I guess.

[argg_xo]

It's a cop out, but whatever, your opinion is your opinion, and your truth is your truth, even when it doesnt correspond with the actual truth.

When some variation of the Cassandra syndrome happens to you, maybe you'll understand my frustration, but until then auf wiedersehen I guess.
:wave:

[Jennurna Gray]

It's crazy how much you have in common with relatives you've never met. I never knew any of my cousins on my dad's side until the past year and it's insane how similar they all are to me.

Exactly. And it can be be anything from what you want on your pizza, to how your react to certain situations, to what you're doing at the exact moment. And congrats on meeting your family, isn't that such a wonderful thing?