I wrote some lyrics for the first time in forever...

[drzafs]

I wrote some lyrics for the first time in forever. These are for my slightly generic metalcore band, so if you don't like the breakdown part of it, whatever, thats fine. Anyway, I'm open to any and all criticism (keep in mind, I haven't posted in here before either):

Wipe that grin off your face
You're see through, just like glass
Trying to look innocent
Has failed you once again

Don't excuse yourself from your own problems
Your lies have all run dry
Don't excuse yourself from your own problems
You're cornered. There's no where to hide
Don't excuse yourself from your own problems
Look where you've brought yourself
You've hit rock bottom and you're trying to climb back up.

Stay down!
(That part would be the intro to the breakdown)

I want your guilt to eat you alive
(This part would be repeated over the breakdown)

The truth hurts
But your lies, they kill
All three if us know better
Go ahead, fly away
You WILL be shot down
We'll have little sympathy when you come crawling back

(this next part would be another breakdown, but with lead guitar doing something over it so it doesn't get boring)
Stay down! (I want your guilt to eat you alive)
Stay down! (I want your guilt to eat you alive)
Stay down! (I want your guilt to eat you alive)
We'll have little sympathy when you come crawling back.

[drzafs]

I hate to be 'That Guy' but I was really hoping for some lyrical criticism. So bump I shall.

[silentstar1134]

Well here are my thoughts:
The song is VERY direct without using overly cliche lyrics, while still a little on the typical cliche part. I actually like the directness of everything but I also feel that it is very simplistic. Meaning that you got you point across but there is little emotion other than just anger. Which is fine but just personally it gets a little boring about saying your pisst without giving actual reasons or creating imagery of why the reader should care. I think this is what your going for with the "slightly generic metalcore band".

[3ChinaPolicy2]

Stay down! (I want your guilt to eat you alive)
Stay down! (I want your guilt to eat you alive)
Stay down! (I want your guilt to eat you alive)



FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIL

[mulcahy67]

Well here are my thoughts:
The song is VERY direct without using overly cliche lyrics, while still a little on the typical cliche part.

i'd have to disagree. i've heard this song at least countless times. "nowhere to hide, lies have run dry," "see through like glass," a lot of elementary stuff in this one.

[drzafs]

Well guys, thanks for the criticism. I appreciate it. As you might be able to tell, lyrics aren't my strong point, but I'm trying to get better. So, being my first lyrics in about 3 years... Do you think this is a good starting point? I mean, I'll keep writing no matter what....
So yeah, idk, suggestions for better lyricism?

[silentstar1134]

Well guys, thanks for the criticism. I appreciate it. As you might be able to tell, lyrics aren't my strong point, but I'm trying to get better. So, being my first lyrics in about 3 years... Do you think this is a good starting point? I mean, I'll keep writing no matter what....
So yeah, idk, suggestions for better lyricism?

Needs:
better creative lyrics
more imagry
why should i care that your pisst? make me care...
that is all...

[runningfree1]

dude, i have to say these are pretty good. but i agree with comments above, a little to cliche.
make some adjustments to it and you should be good.

[3ChinaPolicy2]

I Think You Should Make Some Adjustments

[lfdfforever]

Well here are my thoughts:
The song is VERY direct without using overly cliche lyrics, while still a little on the typical cliche part. I actually like the directness of everything but I also feel that it is very simplistic. Meaning that you got you point across but there is little emotion other than just anger. Which is fine but just personally it gets a little boring about saying your pisst without giving actual reasons or creating imagery of why the reader should care. I think this is what your going for with the "slightly generic metalcore band". I agree with this completely.

[3ChinaPolicy2]

I agree with this completely.

I agree with THIS completly

[lfdfforever]

I agree with THIS completly i think people are afraid to leave comments on my lyrics. hahaha

[cyncoolkid]

Lovely but I feel it is a cliche...D: