Song For My Little Sister

[Akissforher]

I can see the hurt in your eyes
I can see you fight back the tears
He's hurt you beyond recognition
You feel like you world is crashing
The pulse in your veins is flatlining
I can see your heart broken into pieces

Notes of a failed attempt line your bedroom walls
You shut your blinds to block out his face

Cause boys do they want
And boy it can hurt.
But I swear to protect you from the pain
Absent from you i still want to save you
All i want is to see you smile and free from hurt
Dont hold back your fears for me
Let me in and take away your pain my dear
Have faith in my love
I will show you the way if you take my hand
Let the world see your smile once again
Ive been waiting for a friend like you
Let me help you pick you up when you fall

No matter what i will be by your side
Through the hurt and the pain
To the happiness and smiles
Just let me be in your life
Together we can make it through
with you.. my little sister...


any opinions or suggestions are welcome.

[insanechick94]

hm. well. i cant be constructively hateful here. but i really like it. its pretty deep. and makes sense.true concepts. but as im inexperienced. i have no helpful comments. sorry.

[Akissforher]

hm. well. i cant be constructively hateful here. but i really like it. its pretty deep. and makes sense.true concepts. but as im inexperienced. i have no helpful comments. sorry.

lol its okay all im looking for here is peoples honest thoughts/objections. thankyou.

[Chigwinkle]

This is pretty nice, i loved the sort of surgery/heart imagery almost in the first verse, 'pulse', 'flatlining' and 'crashing'. i thought it lacked a little bit after this verse, but still cool. Last verse seems incredibly cliche and doenst really compare to the rest of the song, I suggest ending it on a really powerful metaphor.

[Akissforher]

This is pretty nice, i loved the sort of surgery/heart imagery almost in the first verse, 'pulse', 'flatlining' and 'crashing'. i thought it lacked a little bit after this verse, but still cool. Last verse seems incredibly cliche and doenst really compare to the rest of the song, I suggest ending it on a really powerful metaphor.


i agree the ending does wain a little. any suggestions of what to use specifically?

[Chigwinkle]

well you could contrast it to the beginning verse which uses death imagery, and opose it with a metaphor to do with life or a new beginning.

[Akissforher]

well you could contrast it to the beginning verse which uses death imagery, and opose it with a metaphor to do with life or a new beginning.

so with things like 'spread your wings' & 'reinvention can be beauiful'

that sort of thing?

[Chigwinkle]

yeah sounds good, perhaps stay away from angelic/ spread your wings stuff, it's a little overused.

[Akissforher]

yeah sounds good, perhaps stay away from angelic/ spread your wings stuff, it's a little overused.

agreed. thanks for your help :)