need heavy critics

[insanechick94]

so i have a few poems here. i want honest opinions. dont care how negative they are. i need it to turn these into something if humanly possible. please and thanks(:

[insanechick94]

is there room for peace in the future?
are people too bloodthirsty?
filled with hate, regret, and plans for revenge.
carnivorous, dangerous, malicious evil,
or life, liberty, pursuit of happiness.
religion, personality, and culture set us apart,
constantly competing, always a race
absolute chaos do we soon face?
homicide, abuse, terrorism,
global warming, poverty, disease.
they're just a few of many awful things.
a plea for help,
to let peace and freedom ring

[insanechick94]

This morning I saw the sunrise,
It reminded me of you.
It made me smile inside,
Just the way you do.
'Cause you know that when we're talking,
I cannot help but smile.
But I wish you would stop leaving,
Stay with me for a while.
Take a look up at the sky tonight,
And if you see the stars
You'll know that I just made a wish,
That the last dance will be ours

[insanechick94]

system overload
all a blur
focus on pain
a new game
blood and pain
distraction
dont think
watch red drip
plink... plink...
dont think

[xmy.only.exitx]

the problem with your pieces is that all of them lack the machinations essential to make poems sound good - metaphors, imagery, alliterations, etc.
you've just gone ahead and stated what you felt in the simplest words possible and that helps sometimes but not in your case.
try to learn more about the different kinds of poetry and how its technicalities. maybe then you'll get better.

[silentstar1134]

the problem with your pieces is that all of them lack the machinations essential to make poems sound good - metaphors, imagery, alliterations, etc.
you've just gone ahead and stated what you felt in the simplest words possible and that helps sometimes but not in your case.
try to learn more about the different kinds of poetry and how its technicalities. maybe then you'll get better.

I was gonna say this in a nutshell

[insanechick94]

okay, I'll try that. Thanks!

[Dahstin]

the problem with your pieces is that all of them lack the machinations essential to make poems sound good - metaphors, imagery, alliterations, etc.
you've just gone ahead and stated what you felt in the simplest words possible and that helps sometimes but not in your case.
try to learn more about the different kinds of poetry and how its technicalities. maybe then you'll get better.

This, and don't worry about rhyming and don't worry about being vauge. mystery is more intruiging than being blunt ( note to self, learn to spell)

[mulcahy67]

the first one youre literally just listing words. its hardly even a poem, just a list of bad things. the second and third ones are lacking in anything beyond the clichee lines, because they arent very descriptive at all.

[Chigwinkle]

I agree with xmy, you need more structure and imagery. Although I think you have some really killer ideas, I really connected with the ideas to attempted to put across in the first peom, I think with some work it could be really good.

[Dharma-Burger]

I agree with Dahstin (http://absolutepunk.net/member.php?u=28097). Don't worry about rhyming so much...