Cigarette, Misled

[EndHasAStart]

Just some ideas I've had floating around for a while. I'm finding it difficult to progress, even though both are about thoughts I often have. Any advice on what's here? I'm hoping that I'll get some more ideas after making some changes. Thanks.

Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus

Make a spark, fix your eyes
On the paper in your hands
Watch it glow, watch it fade
As the ash falls to the ground

The air is filled with laughter
And smoke, the waves crash harder
But a cigarette is nothing against a sunset
A cigarette is nothing against a sunset

Let's go out tonight
Just to take a photograph
To miss the moment passing
Just to make the moment last

The air is filled with laughter
And smoke, the waves crash harder
But a cigarette is nothing against a sunset
A cigarette is nothing against a sunset

___________________________________ ________________

Just a chorus for this one:

Blood is rushing through my body
At a syncopated beat
My heart gets lost in sweaty rooms like these
And my mind drips to my feet
I've got your lips for warmth
Broken glass to tread
Friends for lovers
Friends misled

[silentstar1134]

I like this. I like the imagery you used and your metaphors. Only suggestion would be that the true meaning of the poem gets lost in the vivid imagery.

[EndHasAStart]

Ah thanks. Was there one of the pieces in particular that you felt got a bit lost? Hopefully I can then pad it out with more direct verses :)

[p0isonedgames]

Really like the second one. The first one, i like the idea, but not the way you presented it. It feels a bit contrived as a whole.

[lfdfforever]

Great imagery with a great flow putting it all together.

[EndHasAStart]

Really like the second one. The first one, i like the idea, but not the way you presented it. It feels a bit contrived as a whole.

Thanks. I can see what you mean - looking at the first one I sometimes get worried it sounds like some sort of anti-smoking campaign which is really not what I'm going for! It's supposed to be an observation of the almost pathetic ways people waste their lives when there's so much opportunity for good, hence the "cigarette is nothing against a sunset" line which is the one thing I'm determined not to get rid of.

Great imagery with a great flow putting it all together.

Awesome, glad you think so! Cheers.