yes thats right, I'm back.

[Kirsty.com]

Looking out at the winter morning,
its just beginning to start.
And making my way to the open fire,
breathing raw just like your heart.
The frosty pines on my windowpane,
hold together this masterpiece.
And yeah I’d have to be forced to agree;
Ultimately this is what lies beneath.

Walking away was for me the hardest part.
Does your soul feel empty too?
I’m glad to hear that your feelings are deep and yeah,
I feel them too.
The crisp white snow under my weary feet,
is as ironic as my wedding day.
Or how about walking on a golden sandy beach,
with nothing but the current to lead your way.

don't be too harsh please. :)

[EndHasAStart]

To be honest, when I read some of the comments on your older work I did agree - there were lots of problems. This is far from perfect, but it does show a big improvement in my opinion.

I think that the first verse is quite good. It sets a mood and a scene, which is brought together really well by the last two lines. I like the almost casual wording "And yeah I'd have to be forced to agree"; it suddenly makes the verse more personal, like a conversation.

I also like the first four lines of the second verse, for similar reasons. However... I really don't like the last four lines. They seem like you're desparately trying to pull what you can out of the whole 'weather' image. And I don't see how snow can be ironic, unless that itself is on some whole other level of irony :P

In general, it could still do with some sharpening up on the vocab - try thinking of alternatives to "looking out" and "your feelings are deep". But nevertheless, I like it as a song/poem/whatever you intended - so well done.

[Kirsty.com]

thanks for the comments and for actually taking time to read it. means alot, and i will take all of your feedback on board. i hadn't written in a while and yeah it's not much special but i thought it was quite good :P thanks though. :)

[lfdfforever]

keep writing and listen to death cab for cutie.

[EndHasAStart]

thanks for the comments and for actually taking time to read it. means alot, and i will take all of your feedback on board. i hadn't written in a while and yeah it's not much special but i thought it was quite good :P thanks though. :)


No problem. And yeh, keep writing :)

[Kirsty.com]

i willl :) thank you .

[PulZexCore]

Its good, not the best, but like a 7.2/10

I typical think starting a line with the word "and" is asking for trouble, especially if followed by the word "yeah"
but you made it work.

[Kirsty.com]

aw thank you :). i've been working on a new one at the moment. i might upload it now :)

[wholeofheart]

walking on the snow and the wedding day line...is the best line by far thats deep i think you should go back into it and build from that line...thats a very very deep line

[Blackend_Tearz]

LOVED it

[Kirsty.com]

thank you . i'm working on extending it at the moment, so i'll post it when im done :)

[Sann02]

this is really good, you're very honest in you're feelings and i like it.

[Kirsty.com]

aw thank you.

[cursory summer]

wow i'm new here but from what i've read of your poems i'm loving your writing style! i wanna read more!!!

[Kirsty.com]

aw thank you (: well i have loads on my laptop i just dont put them all on :P

[quietlywrong17]

i like where you say "breathing raw just like your heart". and i think this will turn out well with a little revision. it's good though. i like it.

[bizness]

its out there

[Kirsty.com]

thankss. and bizness, is that a good 'out there'? lol.