experiment with stream of consciousness writing

[theguy77]

being new to this style of writing does present some quirks. there is a massive lack of cohesion in the figurative sense but in the literal sense theres a very prevalent meaning carried throughout, and several connections being made. overall, i wrote exactly what i was thinking and feeling this morning, and expressed each sentiment in the way i felt was most appropriate on an individual basis regardless of whether it fit in with the rest of the poem.

the sun came sharp before the snow
amidst the blue of a great big lie
colder out than it looks but no more beautiful
days change.
i thought, why not turn on my other side tonight
and try to remember how i used to sleep like this
more comfortably.
so i rest like an ocean slipping into a riverbed
and its families of hungry fish who never close their eyes
and spend the morning reminiscing.
my lips burn with the taste of fresh fruit
in a carnivorous mouth
that's been feeding on what's been dead so long it can never be replenished.
with my counterfeit sustenance
ive been faking the smile of a great crocodile
as if to tell them all they don't know what they're missing
sickly smug in the notion that i know damn well what i'm missing.
but i'm wrong about them and their flat molar teeth
and their sleeping oceans
and orange christmases
because there's a snowstorm down south
while above me still is the most sadistic shade of blue
and now i cant sleep on my own cold back anymore.
so i turn back on my side and close my eyes
and try to forget for awhile.

analysis? advice? thoughts?

[Ripmedj]

wow thats very impressive. the imagery and word paring is advanced and compositionally successful. i like the transition you made to deliver the line 'so i can rest like an ocean slipping into a riverbed'. i feel bad tho that no ones commented at all yet. with this writing, im jealous.

try something without including nature in your next piece, itll be a challenge but you should try it