"That's ridiculous, mine's for a character, you'd still be you"

[iHATEapril]

A completely different style for me, so I don't know how it is. I know it's not my best work. It's very thematic, so mind that with the simplistic rhyme scheme.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves
We'll lay out the rules
Keep your hands to yourself
Our bodies aren't tools
Don't kiss on the mouth
Not even in your dreams
Better keep a watch out
Eyes are closer than they seem

Don't break these laws
There's no time for second chances
Killed by what I saw
of your theatric romances

I'll be watching you baby
Like I have been from the start
You move so effortlessly
You steal the whole crowd's heart
I'm somewhere in the crowd
Waiting for your moment
Dance to him and throw us out
Your lips grace his for but a second

Don't break these laws
There's no time for second chances
Killed by what I saw
of your theatric romances

And when you told me
Other boys sometimes grace your dreams
Your dream's come true for all to see
You'll be waking up sorry
No matter how perfect it seems

Fall asleep to someone else's voice tonight
I should have known mine would fade with time

[a speedo model]

i like this alot. this may not be your best but it's very, very good. i like the chorus and the last two lines are an excellent way to close it. great job, man.

[OveriseFan]

A completely different style for me, so I don't know how it is. I know it's not my best work. It's very thematic, so mind that with the simplistic rhyme scheme.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves
We'll lay out the rules
Keep your hands to yourself
Our bodies aren't tools
Don't kiss on the mouth
Not even in your dreams
Better keep a watch out
Eyes are closer than they seem

I feel the ABAB rhyme scheme compelely kills this. Remove the last two "B's" and just make it ABACDC, it works better, and the lines your cutting out (suck) anyway.

Don't break these laws
There's no time for second chances
Killed by what I saw
of you and your theatric romances

That last line has the shittiest flow you've ever had. Fix it. "It's your theatric romances", Possibly?

I'll be watching you baby
It's not like it's that hard
You move so effortlessly
You steal the whole crowd's heart
I'm somewhere in the crowd
Waiting for your moment
Dance to him and throw us out
Your lips grace his for but a second

I guess I like this, but I hate how you kill off the rhyme scheme. Also "It's not like it's that hard" is a really, really, really, bad filler line.

Don't break these laws
There's no time for second chances
Killed by what I saw
of you and your theatric romances

And when you told me
Other boys sometimes grace your dreams
This is how you dream'd it be
You'll be waking up sorry
No matter how perfect it seems

"This is how you dream'd it be?" WHAT!? I love the rest of it, but that line makes no sense. At all.

Fall asleep to someone else's voice tonight
I should have known mine would fade with time

W00t, awesome closer, as usual.


I like this more than the other?

[iHATEapril]

I like this more than the other?

I'll just kill the you and in the chorus, that makes sense. I wasn't sure how long the piece would be, that's why the first verse has those last two retarded lines that it could do without.

[iHATEapril]

Okay you guys, more me appreciation. Jay kay jay kay.

[wyverna]

I agree that it's not your best work but it's still pretty solid. I like a lot of the wording, it's ... let me think of how to put this, it's clever, maybe. Not the word I was looking for, but nvm. I like it.