Get a vasectomy, but keep it a secret.

[Punkiceratops]

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

[phil19]

cool

[Scrandon]

so you screw with her for weeks and try to get her to have an abortion... sounds like youre the fucked up one. sorry

[HometownHero]

Dumbest thing I've ever read

[Domenic182]

Probably not your story, but I was entertained.

[coma]

Sweet dude. You're my new idol. Not only did you have a vasectomy, keep it a secret, and pretty much just prank a bitch for no reason, but you also had the incredible foresight to type a fucking novel on this forum as if anyone would give a shit.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v312/sparkley_dudette/clap.gif

Brav-fucking-o.

[billyboatkid]

I enjoyed your story. It may be fake, but it was a fun read haha.

[anamericangod]

I am amazed that nobody in this thread realizes that this story is fucking ancient.

[CollectiveConfusion]

bullshit.

you're a class act, punkiceratops.

[White]

I am amazed that nobody in this thread realizes that this story is fucking ancient.

This.

[Punkiceratops]

I am amazed that nobody in this thread realizes that this story is fucking ancient.
you didnt have to tell them :(

[Deadbolt23]

Where have you all been for the last five years?

[jco3]

Well, that was a waste of my time.

[TSTLSOOM]

ahh memories...

[Smeee]

I was that girl. You're a real bastard.

[concernedparent]

I don't get why this guy is not in the right..could someone fill me in? She cheated on him and tried to get him to commit to a baby that wasn't his. That's not a good reason to fuck with someone?

[MILFCORE]

I am amazed that nobody in this thread realizes that this story is fucking ancient.

you didnt have to tell them :(
Shit, had no idea. It was a good read though. The person who authored it should start writing a relationship column for a newspaper.

[Reaver]

I liked it.

[Hamlet]

I don't get why this guy is not in the right..could someone fill me in? She cheated on him and tried to get him to commit to a baby that wasn't his. That's not a good reason to fuck with someone?

Thank you for the first ounce of common sense in this forum.

If the bitch is trying to rope you into paying for a baby that isn't yours, she deserves all of that shit. What kind of evil psycho bitch would a person have to be to try and pull off a stunt like that?

And yes, this story is ancient, but there's a lesson we can all learn here.

[DanTGD]

was honestly waiting for the part where it turned into song lyrics.

[Jennurna Gray]

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
Dumb bitch.
Hahahahaha.

[JordanBuell]

umm alright. good story

[Roboman]

was honestly waiting for the part where it turned into song lyrics.

Damn, now I kind of wish it had turned into The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme. Good read though.

[Brand-new-123]

Copypasta

[Anton Djamoos]

I am amazed that nobody in this thread realizes that this story is fucking ancient.
Ditto.

[zachff]

Anyone who doesn't realize this is a joke is a moron

[Regards]

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
I think the best part of this story is that the dude rips on the lady for being a liar when he was the one who initally lied. Even if this story is old, I could sadly see people doing this which is a sad indicator of the days we live in.

[dave900]

so you screw with her for weeks and try to get her to have an abortion... sounds like youre the fucked up one. sorry

read the quote below

I don't get why this guy is not in the right..could someone fill me in? She cheated on him and tried to get him to commit to a baby that wasn't his. That's not a good reason to fuck with someone?

[argg_xo]

was honestly waiting for the part where it turned into song lyrics.
I was hoping it was another Monster Mash story :shrug:

[Hagysaurus Rex]

:popcorn:

[spunkmastaflex]

I am amazed that nobody in this thread realizes that this story is fucking ancient.

i knew it was from the first sentence

[wroteurname]

Hidden brag about getting laid.

[Laural666]

This is funny as hell.

[<*)))><]

Seems fake like half of the people on this website.

[mybreakingpoint]

this is super super super old, but still epicly funny.

[rhinitus]

ha. even if it's old, that was a nice little read for a friday morning.

[WhoSaidThat?]

A VASECTOMY'S A MEDICAL PREOCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EDURRREEEEE.....

x

[yaz06]

I was that girl. You're a real bastard.

Well actually, it would be your son/daughter that is the bastard in this situation.

[aoftbsten]

RTz8NgWvbQA

[SophGod]

10/10, would read again. people in this thread are idiots.

[tonyC4L]

I think the biggest tip that this is something passed around the internet is that the first sentence is not an appropriate opener whatsoever.

Regardless, it was a fun read.

[Kill_the_radio]

this is OLD!

GTFO!

[zion the lion]

I didnt read this but I know it wouldnt work because of how a vasectomy works...plus I read this a lonnnnnnngggggg time ago.

[limepomegranate]

Bahahaha people like that woman disgust me and deserve what they get.

[bladerdude360]

10/10, would read again. people in this thread are idiots.
They're idiots because we've all read this dozens of times in the past several years?
Bahahaha people like that woman disgust me and deserve what they get.
You do realize that it's a fictional story, right?

[SophGod]

They're idiots because we've all read this dozens of times in the past several years?


i was referring to the people on page 1.

[Peetie]

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.



A very easy solution to avoid a very complicated situation.

This may be an old story or a fake story, but the moral is a good one.

[And Hours Pass]

you didnt have to tell them :(

Passing off an ancient internet story as your own? You're such a tool it hurts.

this is OLD!

GTFO!

I would appreciate it if you're going to say "GTFO" in the future, if you would at least include an Ari Gold gif.

[limepomegranate]

They're idiots because we've all read this dozens of times in the past several years?

You do realize that it's a fictional story, right?
Yes but you do realize that there are women out there who do this all the time, right?

[WakingTheMisery]

This was funnier when I read it two years ago.

[Peetie]

Yes but you do realize that there are women out there who do this all the time, right?

That is right! This story is just a reminder to Beware!

It is worth repeating as a reminder.

[ReignofFiction]

Old story but a good one.

[salt1384]

Bwahahhahahahahahahha

[Peetie]

Bwahahhahahahahahahha
what?

[salt1384]

what?

the story?

[Ricketts]

You're my hero. Seriously, this was awesome.

[showmethefever]

Bwahahhahahahahahahha

You're my hero. Seriously, this was awesome.
Whoops.

[Peetie]

the story?
right! sorry, got side tracked. My bad.

[more heart]

I've seen this story posted on here before, kid.

[therukus]

Sweet dude. You're my new idol. Not only did you have a vasectomy, keep it a secret, and pretty much just prank a bitch for no reason, but you also had the incredible foresight to type a fucking novel on this forum as if anyone would give a shit.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v312/sparkley_dudette/clap.gif

Brav-fucking-o.

LOLLL

[wildrocks90]

Lol

[SanePsychotic]

I found it funny, but that's because I haven't read it before. Or I forgot about it. Either way, I lol'ed.

[Deadbolt01]

Bit late on this I know, but....I also liked how he implicitly linked musicians to thugs and criminals. I mean I'm not saying I think that much of a 30 year old getting with a dude in a band for a night, but that's a touch far, non?