Critique My Valentine's Day Gift

[Spark In Space]

So I've been dating my current girlfriend for over a year and I decided I wanted to do things a little different this year but still have some kind of tradition as well. So I ended up getting her a rose, making her a mix cd of cheesy love songs as well as a poem. So seeing as how I won't be able to see her today, I have some time to make some adjustments. That's where you guys come in :-)

Here's the cd I made:
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k170/ColtonBertrand/CD.jpg?t=1266179896
EDIT: I somehow forgot I Will Follow You Into the Dark by DCFC.

Yes, there's a 3OH!3 song. If you guys have any suggestions or if I'm interpreting any of the songs wrong let me know. But I'm pretty happy with the cd.

Now what I'm not confident with is my poetry. I've just started writing like 2 - 3 months ago. So if you guys could give me some tips/advice that would be awesome. Here it is:
I never thought I'd write a poem
To a girl I could call my own
But here I am, and here's one for you
It's not the best, but I hope it'll do

Yes, I realize poems are cliche
Especially on Valentine's Day
But I just want you to see
How much you really mean to me

I know what you're expecting here
Something in the vein of Shakespeare
Something about your long, dark hair
And how your skin's ever so fair
But I'm gonna do things different this year

I've made you a cheesy cd
To accompany
This shameful display of poetry
Filled with songs that remind me of you
I hope you don't find it creepy
or hate it completely

I’m like a little boy in third grade
Who has a crush on the prettiest girl in the class
Still afraid to ask
“Do you feel the same about me?”

I hope that this is enough
Enough to show you
That I love you very much
Happy Valentine’s Day :) This gift is basically the ultimate cheese-sauce but I did put quite a bit of thought into it and I don't have lots of money to spend so I tried to make the most of it. A girl's opinion on this would be really good.

P.S. I will also be giving her lots of anal, and I know this is a cool story, k bro?

[midkay]

hey, i don't know shit about poetry but this is pretty good. i agree that the last 2 stanzas are a little weak.. maybe a slightly different ending would have worked better. i also don't know any of those songs so i can't judge the music but it seems like you put some serious effort into it. if you gave me this i would continue dating you.

[roughroads]

Last 2 stanza's of the poem definitely need some revision.
Other then that it'll be hit or miss depending on what kind of girl she is...

[Sventhegreat]

I didn't know people still did third grade "poetry" where everything rhymes.

[x1onexwo1fx]

I didn't know people still did third grade "poetry" where everything rhymes.

the man has a point. you sound like you're fifteen.

it's too straightforward for my tastes, but since you're only starting out, and considering the circumstances, just revise the last two stanzas and you'll do fine.

oh, and pointing out what you're not doing is the same thing as actually doing it. if you say you're not trying to be creepy, you're going to come off as creepy. better left unsaid in any situation, in my opinion. but i don't know how girls think, so i might be totally wrong on this.

[Spark In Space]

hey, i don't know shit about poetry but this is pretty good. i agree that the last 2 stanzas are a little weak.. maybe a slightly different ending would have worked better. i also don't know any of those songs so i can't judge the music but it seems like you put some serious effort into it. if you gave me this i would continue dating you.
Last 2 stanza's of the poem definitely need some revision.
Other then that it'll be hit or miss depending on what kind of girl she is...
I changed the last two. Definitely better than before but still could use some work. And I definitely don't know shit about poetry either haha.

I didn't know people still did third grade "poetry" where everything rhymes.
I know, definitely gotta work on that. Although, for this one, I was going for some degree of cheesiness I will admit. I just feel like it breaks up the flow :/ Hopefully that will just come with experience. And the second last stanza was definitely inspired by your third grade comment haha.

the man has a point. you sound like you're fifteen.

it's too straightforward for my tastes, but since you're only starting out, and considering the circumstances, just revise the last two stanzas and you'll do fine.

oh, and pointing out what you're not doing is the same thing as actually doing it. if you say you're not trying to be creepy, you're going to come off as creepy. better left unsaid in any situation, in my opinion. but i don't know how girls think, so i might be totally wrong on this.
Yeah I can see where you're coming from. But like I said to Sven, I was going for a degree of cheesiness (not that I'm saying my normal writing is free of some of this criticism). But I guess the best way to become a better writer is to just keep writing.

As for the creepy thing, I've been dating her for a year and know her pretty well so I don't think she'll be creeped out at all. I could honestly give her anything and I think she would be understanding and satisfied. I think she'll laugh at it which is kind of what I want.

But thanks guys for all the advice so far. I think I'm benefiting as a writer from these comments.

[TheKaleidoscope]

Love the idea, but those are the best cheesy love songs you've got? They're kind of all over the place. C'mon bro, keep looking. Kudos on "The Girl" though.

[Laural666]

This is too cute.

[showmethefever]

Your profile says your 18, yet your poem and music choice suggest that your 13. I'm confused.

[mogley]

yeah dude, your mixtape blows.

[buni_bixler]

wow. i think i cried a little bit! if she doesn't like it then she sucks. :)

[po0ty]

She'll like it don't worry dude.

[EvilZeppelin]

Why do so many people buy into this corporate bullshit holiday?

[limepomegranate]

So I've been dating my current girlfriend for over a year and I decided I wanted to do things a little different this year but still have some kind of tradition as well. So I ended up getting her a rose, making her a mix cd of cheesy love songs as well as a poem. So seeing as how I won't be able to see her today, I have some time to make some adjustments. That's where you guys come in :-)

Here's the cd I made:
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k170/ColtonBertrand/CD.jpg?t=1266179896
EDIT: I somehow forgot I Will Follow You Into the Dark by DCFC.

Yes, there's a 3OH!3 song. If you guys have any suggestions or if I'm interpreting any of the songs wrong let me know. But I'm pretty happy with the cd.

Now what I'm not confident with is my poetry. I've just started writing like 2 - 3 months ago. So if you guys could give me some tips/advice that would be awesome. Here it is:
This gift is basically the ultimate cheese-sauce but I did put quite a bit of thought into it and I don't have lots of money to spend so I tried to make the most of it. A girl's opinion on this would be really good.

P.S. I will also be giving her lots of anal, and I know this is a cool story, k bro?
That's so sweet and romantic!! And if she loves anal then have fun!

[zac_montucky]

You forgot the mixtape rule of never using more than one song from any one band. Other than that, bang up job.
The poem is cheesy but cute, so depending on the girl it should work.

Happy VDay

[Spark In Space]

Love the idea, but those are the best cheesy love songs you've got? They're kind of all over the place. C'mon bro, keep looking. Kudos on "The Girl" though.
Suggestions?

This is too cute.
Thanks!

Your profile says your 18, yet your poem and music choice suggest that your 13. I'm confused.
Well wouldn't that make me somewhere in between? 15.5-ish

yeah dude, your mixtape blows.
Thanks for the constructive criticism.

wow. i think i cried a little bit! if she doesn't like it then she sucks. :)
Haha thank you!

She'll like it don't worry dude.
Or she'll at least pretend to :P

Why do so many people buy into this corporate bullshit holiday?
I don't think I'm buying into it so much. I spent minimal money doing this. I see no problem in having some fun with this one day of the year.

That's so sweet and romantic!! And if she loves anal then have fun!
HAHA! Thanks!

You forgot the mixtape rule of never using more than one song from any one band. Other than that, bang up job.
The poem is cheesy but cute, so depending on the girl it should work.

Happy VDay
I just like Max's words too much haha. But thanks, you too man.

[mar_]

I'd say it's cute and on the cheesy side. If that's what you're going for, then why not?

As for the 3OH!3 song on there, it actually resembles a song. But it's sad.

[baseballfreak19]

personally, i think she's gonna love the mixtape. i really like the song choices. as for the poem, she'll probably think its cute as shit, maybe tear up a little bit, then give you lots and lots of head.

[limepomegranate]

HAHA! Thanks!
Your welcome :-)

[rhinitus]

So I've been dating my current girlfriend for over a year and I decided I wanted to do things a little different this year but still have some kind of tradition as well. So I ended up getting her a rose, making her a mix cd of cheesy love songs as well as a poem. So seeing as how I won't be able to see her today, I have some time to make some adjustments. That's where you guys come in :-)

Here's the cd I made:
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k170/ColtonBertrand/CD.jpg?t=1266179896
EDIT: I somehow forgot I Will Follow You Into the Dark by DCFC.

Yes, there's a 3OH!3 song. If you guys have any suggestions or if I'm interpreting any of the songs wrong let me know. But I'm pretty happy with the cd.

Now what I'm not confident with is my poetry. I've just started writing like 2 - 3 months ago. So if you guys could give me some tips/advice that would be awesome. Here it is:
This gift is basically the ultimate cheese-sauce but I did put quite a bit of thought into it and I don't have lots of money to spend so I tried to make the most of it. A girl's opinion on this would be really good.

P.S. I will also be giving her lots of anal, and I know this is a cool story, k bro?

i would try to mix up the genres a bit. snow patrol is sticking out in my head, and maybe it's just because i've been listening to it a lot lately, but "bossy lady" by rick ross w/ ne-yo would be a nice curve ball. right now it just looks like a 16 or 17 year olds most-played list on itunes

[anthonydarko]

Way to break the double dip rule with your mixtape.

[ZoSo1886]

So I've been dating my current girlfriend for over a year and I decided I wanted to do things a little different this year but still have some kind of tradition as well. So I ended up getting her a rose, making her a mix cd of cheesy love songs as well as a poem. So seeing as how I won't be able to see her today, I have some time to make some adjustments. That's where you guys come in :-)

Here's the cd I made:
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k170/ColtonBertrand/CD.jpg?t=1266179896
EDIT: I somehow forgot I Will Follow You Into the Dark by DCFC.

Yes, there's a 3OH!3 song. If you guys have any suggestions or if I'm interpreting any of the songs wrong let me know. But I'm pretty happy with the cd.

Now what I'm not confident with is my poetry. I've just started writing like 2 - 3 months ago. So if you guys could give me some tips/advice that would be awesome. Here it is:
This gift is basically the ultimate cheese-sauce but I did put quite a bit of thought into it and I don't have lots of money to spend so I tried to make the most of it. A girl's opinion on this would be really good.

P.S. I will also be giving her lots of anal, and I know this is a cool story, k bro?

not too much anal, you gotta be gentle

[deFobbed14yrs]

be mine??? wish my guy would do this for me, tell us how it goes

[brenByah]

I didn't know people still did third grade "poetry" where everything rhymes.

Then apparently many of the world's best poets write at the third grade level for employing rhyme schemes. He's not campaigning for poet laureate, he's writing something for his girlfriend.

The poem's a sweet gesture, and if she loves you she'll like it regardless.

[Mirrors Shatter]

You make me look bad.
I bought my girlfriend some of those god damn hearts that taste like Tums and a cheap-ass necklace from Wal-Mart.

God dammit, now I have to write a poem and make a mix tape.

Also,
your choices for your mix are great.
You even managed to pick the one 3OH!3 song that I don't despise.

[saysmydoctor]

That mixtape fucking sucks.

"Crush" - DMB

If your girlfriend doesn't fuck you after hearing that, then dump her.

[Cøltøn]

K, this is my actual account. I made the other one in case she checked this one, but I should be ok now.

I'd say it's cute and on the cheesy side. If that's what you're going for, then why not?

As for the 3OH!3 song on there, it actually resembles a song. But it's sad.
Thanks :)

personally, i think she's gonna love the mixtape. i really like the song choices. as for the poem, she'll probably think its cute as shit, maybe tear up a little bit, then give you lots and lots of head.
Sweet dude, glad someone likes the mixtape :P and if you 're right about the poem that would be fucking stellar haha.

i would try to mix up the genres a bit. snow patrol is sticking out in my head, and maybe it's just because i've been listening to it a lot lately, but "bossy lady" by rick ross w/ ne-yo would be a nice curve ball. right now it just looks like a 16 or 17 year olds most-played list on itunes
Thanks, definitely will give those a listen. And yeah, well those and the type of bands I generally listen to that actually write songs like that. It was kinda supposed to a be a personal thing about songs that would make me think of her.

Way to break the double dip rule with your mixtape.
I know haha. Terrible terrible.

not too much anal, you gotta be gentle
I will destroy her. ;-)

be mine??? wish my guy would do this for me, tell us how it goes
Haha glad you like it :-) I definitely will!

Then apparently many of the world's best poets write at the third grade level for employing rhyme schemes. He's not campaigning for poet laureate, he's writing something for his girlfriend.

The poem's a sweet gesture, and if she loves you she'll like it regardless.
Thanks dude. You're right, like I said, I was kinda going for over-the-top-cheesy.

You make me look bad.
I bought my girlfriend some of those god damn hearts that taste like Tums and a cheap-ass necklace from Wal-Mart.

God dammit, now I have to write a poem and make a mix tape.

Also,
your choices for your mix are great.
You even managed to pick the one 3OH!3 song that I don't despise.
I had no money! Had to try and be as innovative as possible, although this really is a pretty old school idea. Thanks bud!

That mixtape fucking sucks.

"Crush" - DMB

If your girlfriend doesn't fuck you after hearing that, then dump her.
If you feel that strongly about it, definitely will give it a listen lol.

[davehennessy]

This gift is basically the ultimate cheese-sauce

hahahaha



but I did put quite a bit of thought into it and I don't have lots of money to spend so I tried to make the most of it

Thought is what matters man, thought

[phil19]

chicks dig poetry about them. i think.

[Deadbolt23]

You're missing all the best love songs.

WHEN A MAAAAN LOVES A WOOOMAN...

[introduction]

looks like you like say anything. it's even reflected in the writing style of the poem, which no offence, isn't very good. it needs more styling, as well as a better basis for beginning the poem in the first place.

also try book of love by peter gabriel for your mixtape. if she doesn't like it...well man, you'll have to break up with her.

[LoginBanned]

Doesn't matter your chick will love it

[LoginBanned]

chicks dig poetry about them. i think.

Chicks dig anything about themselves.

[Cøltøn]

Thought is what matters man, thought
chicks dig poetry about them. i think.
Hopefully. I should be ok then.

looks like you like say anything. it's even reflected in the writing style of the poem, which no offence, isn't very good. it needs more styling, as well as a better basis for beginning the poem in the first place.

also try book of love by peter gabriel for your mixtape. if she doesn't like it...well man, you'll have to break up with her.
Well, I'm not gonna lie, I took that as a compliment when you compared it to Say Anything haha. But thanks for giving me actual tips to improve, 'cause I'm just starting out with writing so stuff like that is really good to hear.. I'll take that into account.

And it's too late to put it on the mix tape 'cause I have to leave to pick her up in like 5 minutes but I'll definitely check it out anyways.

Doesn't matter your chick will love it
Hope so. Thanks!