The Chosen One

[goyoyofosoco]

Another day, another twenty-four hour sentence,
With no possibility for parole.
Around here, the leniency falls short of standards,
And I feel left-for-dead, sunken, with concreted sandals.
Maybe you should go for the kill;
Bite me on the jugular,
Just to see if I still bleed at all.



After all the trials we've been through,
I'd call you Buffy if I had the chance:
How you drain the life from me, using holy hands,
And, I guess the plan is to leave me feeling dusty,
Like my heart is at stake.



Just once, I'd like two eternities
To sit and read your entire mind, from the inside.
I need you to, well, want this,
With even the smallest part of yourself.
I feel the numbness of intensity,
When you sit with me, like friends would be,
Even though we both know that is not the fucking case.




The cards have different numbers,
But all the spades and clubs in your deck
Couldn't stop your heart of diamonds from shining through.



Maybe you might be in a phase,
Where you lock me out, and go about your way,
But, I feel it in my knees: ONE DAY,
You'll look at him, and walk away... and... back... to... me.




AM I?
WILL I?
CAN I,
Become your chosen one?

[TheObserver]

I didn't really like most of it, some really cliche stuff and some really dumb stuff I like the line "I feel the numbness of intensity" a lot though.

[goyoyofosoco]

Is "cliche" the AP version of Peewee Herman's secret word?




Are there 100 people screaming frantically every time it's used?




Anyhow, thanks for the kind (and not quite as kind) words.

[matt_rawlings]

Man you cannot take critisism.

When people here (including myself) say something is cliche, we mean we have seen some of it a million times before. Now, yes, that may seem harsh, but its a sad fact.
Everyone who writes on here, especially those of us who have been doing it for longer have all heard the comments you have been recieving, and worse over the course of time we have been submiting work for public scrutany, but these people are usually right.

Now, as for this song, again, I liked a few lines, but I didn't enjoy the subject matter of the piece or the choice of metaphor you took throughout.

So, you have two options.

You can either accept the criticism, learn from it and try and improve as a writer.

Or, you can get uber defensive, snap at someone again and do things that way

[a speedo model]

i'm curious as to why you post in here if you can't take any form of criticism? everyone in here has taken their share and grown from it.


and as for the song, like Matt said there are some good lines but the piece as a whole is not very enjoyable.

[goyoyofosoco]

i wasn't denying your criticisms. i welcome them. why don't you people understand this?



i just made a joke about it, since i really had seen it a lot on here... get it? saying that things are "cliche" is the most "cliche" thing I have seen on this website.




i don't doubt that you guys really feel that way, which is something I'll try to work on, absolutely, but I'm starting to get the feeling that you guys take yourselves more seriously than I do.


I appreciate that you're giving me opinions, but, I feel it's my right to criticize the way that you criticize others. It's the best way to keep the people off their pedestals, and keep them giving good advice instead of spurting out one-word reviews and making fun of something that another person decided was the perfect group of words to describe how they felt at a critical point in time.



I'd really appreciate if you would stop calling what I write "songs", though. It's nothing personal, it's just that I don't write songs. I write poetry that is sometimes shaped into a song, but, more often than not, it stays in a notebook or on a forum, and, I like it that way.



Thanks for the tips, kids.