need some new eyes to read this poem...

[SuicideKing]

this is my first post in a quite a while. this is one in a series of poems i've been working on. looking for some fresh feedback. thanks for taking the time to read.

Genesis

I’ve come from the town where Abel slew Cain
for his cigarettes with a makeshift blade
made of bone. Abel missed the outbound train,
was forced to rent a mule that pulled up lame

at the edge of a grove of tattered trees.
He tried to buy time by bending his knees,
but cried out to a milk-eyed god who sees
nothing. We hanged Abel at dusk the eve

the gravedigger’s son sold me the daughter
of a bible-salesman-serpent-charmer,
who led all his white haired flocks to slaughter.
Foreign gold, and a promise to harm her

not, bought a bride pretty as pillared salt.
I took her from the town she loved. Had to haul
her halfway to Eden on a stringhalt
mare before she wouldn’t look back at all.

[italynlprkn]

i really love the form and the uses of enjambment. and i like the poem the more i read it.
but some of the rhyming seems a little weak. i say work on the second stanza a little more. milk-eyed god is brilliant tho.

[020jeffs]

Poetry not really my thing
but I kind of liked this

[LeetSkeetz]

pretty bomb dude :]

[Jabble524]

It's not bad- the imagery is good, and it is well written- but it seems to be missing that x factor. Nothing really defines the poem or makes it stand out to the reader.

[chiodos_xt3aas]

It's not too bad. The only thing I see, and I see this with many entry poets, is the rhyme. The rhyme is so kindergardenish. Its like cat, bat, fat. One syllable rhymes. IE you use: slaughter: Daughter; Trees:Knees. Try mixing it up with two or three syllable rhymes.

[lady_leon]

the enjambment gives a really good effect actually - gives me the idea of someone gasping for breath, it's a really nice story all in all. I like that the rhyme scheme isn't regular either, it shows some sort of desperation. Very mysterious!

[SuicideKing]

Poetry not really my thing
but I kind of liked this

pretty bomb dude :]

It's not bad- the imagery is good, and it is well written- but it seems to be missing that x factor. Nothing really defines the poem or makes it stand out to the reader.

the enjambment gives a really good effect actually - gives me the idea of someone gasping for breath, it's a really nice story all in all. I like that the rhyme scheme isn't regular either, it shows some sort of desperation. Very mysterious!

i really love the form and the uses of enjambment. and i like the poem the more i read it.
but some of the rhyming seems a little weak. i say work on the second stanza a little more. milk-eyed god is brilliant tho.

thank you for taking the time to read, I appreciate it

[SuicideKing]

It's not too bad. The only thing I see, and I see this with many entry poets, is the rhyme. The rhyme is so kindergardenish. Its like cat, bat, fat. One syllable rhymes. IE you use: slaughter: Daughter; Trees:Knees. Try mixing it up with two or three syllable rhymes.


1) Thank you for assuming I'm an "entry" poet. 2) Given the form of the poem (10 syllable lines, each with 4 feet) I would beg a certain amount of leniency as to the kindergarTENish rhymes. I rarely, if ever, adhere to a strict format, so this was very much an experiment for me. However, if you read the sentences instead of watching the lines I think you'll find the rhymes disappear entirely. 3) Not all the rhymes are common. The whole third stanza is written in feminine rhyme; i.e. multi-syllabic rhymes (one of which you quoted and then told me to use two syllable rhymes. Pay attention).

[SuicideKing]

also, the rhyme scheme is AAAA, BBBB, CCCC, DDDD. Which, believe it or not, was was REALLY hard to make work without sounding ridiculous.

[lfdfforever]

brilliant

[Idlewarrior]

This is great! I love the story, but I agree with Jabble524. It is missing something to really give it a core.