Was a Song, Now It's a Poem

[swallowURpride]

I'm a beginner at writing, just went with a sudden shock of inspiration,here's what I got. Tell me what you think.

I hope you enjoy this
medley of metaphors
I hope you realize
my mind
it never leaves your side
but the way my heart is strung now
after you plucked a few notes
and I heard them ring out
with beauty and honesty
I felt them stand freely
then you said you felt it too
I decided, maybe it could be you
you could be that star, in the right place
that we could connect, and create a shape
weave our story
on that dark tapestry of a sky
we could dust it with stars
make it shine
then I watched you look away
turn me over, a forgotten page
now hope has eroded, and faith is dead
silent acceptance just stares ahead
the notes are muted
the strings are frayed
here I sit, after my heart has been played
in a cell of regret
and look back on the time
when I was a reason, and you were a rhyme

[Jabble524]

Very Nice. At first I wasn't sure where you were going, but the ending was excellent. I loved these lines:

here I sit, after my heart has been played
in a cell of regret
and look back on the time
when I was a reason, and you were a rhyme

[chiodos_xt3aas]

The only thing I see, something my poetry professor would be quick to bitch about, would be the inconsistency in the length of each line. It's a good poem though.

[swallowURpride]

Very Nice. At first I wasn't sure where you were going, but the ending was excellent. I loved these lines:

here I sit, after my heart has been played
in a cell of regret
and look back on the time
when I was a reason, and you were a rhyme


thanks =)

[swallowURpride]

The only thing I see, something my poetry professor would be quick to bitch about, would be the inconsistency in the length of each line. It's a good poem though.

thanks, yeah i guess you can tell i'm an ametuer, that's not something i would notice lol

[Ripmedj]

Very very good. Inconsistencies in line length is like sentence variety in prose. Keeps the reader focused and attentive. The thing about poetry, no rules, just originality.

[Slip-kid]

very neat stuff

[swallowURpride]

Very very good. Inconsistencies in line length is like sentence variety in prose. Keeps the reader focused and attentive. The thing about poetry, no rules, just originality.

Thanks for the feedback! :-) It's nice that someone can kind of define the style of it. I've never been one for rules thought, haha.

[swallowURpride]

very neat stuff

Gracias =] I'm glad you like it!

[saturday_snow_squall]

i pictured this as a valencia style song. nice job :D