A Cold January

[TK]

An hour crisped to death in the sun,
Buried under its optimistic physique,
As we tried to burden our leaden faces
With no bone structures able to catch us.

And the degrees trickled down through
Lace fibers and all our cotton cross patterns
As we tried to ignore the mounting discoloration
Of the angry red erupting in our frozen faces.

Until the air, enervated with cacophonous sounds,
Grazed the apartment walls width to an eyelash thin,
Did I believe our relationship was light enough to be
Tornadoed by a gust of wind; this January will be freezing.

[Idealist80]

An hour crisped to death in the sun,
Buried under its optimistic physique,
As we tried to burden our leaden faces
With no bone structures able to catch us.

And the degrees trickled down through
Lace fibers and all our cotton cross patterns
As we tried to ignore the mounting discoloration
Of the angry red erupting in our frozen faces.

Until the air, enervated with cacophonous sounds,
Grazed the apartment walls width to an eyelash thin,
Did I believe our relationship was light enough to be
Tornadoed by a gust of wind; this January will be freezing.


can't appreciate something that doesnt rhyme at all

[TK]

And I can't care what every idiot thinks, especially those that have no idea what they're talking about.

[Jesse!]

Idealist -- rhyming in poetry is one of the most difficult things to tastfully pull off, and many, many great poems are absent of any purposeful rhymes (or of rhymes altogether).

As for the poem, I think it's a brilliant start. I was a little thrown off by the first stanza because it gave me the feeling of being outside, when I believe (correct me if I'm wrong), the whole poem takes place in the apartment setting?

The continuation of this "outdoorsy" feel is making me think a window is open or something, and I kind of wish I was told this, or had some explanation for your ability to be affected by the sun and the air. In a stuffed up room in such a circumstance, I would imagine it would almost feel like there is no "air" to be affected... the poem makes me feel like there is more of a lack thereof (metaphorically speaking).

I have a few more suggestions based on specific points. The following things struck me as feeling forced or not detailing what's going on in the best way possible:

"cotton cross patterns" - feels forced, I kind of want to read something more plain here i.e. "denim patterns", "plaid patterns", whatever...
"angry red erupting" - I think you can find a better way to say this... you're describing an emotion less so than the physical color and change, and that physical change is expressed in the fact that it is happening in or on your "frozen faces"... so maybe instead I'd like for the focus to be more on the emotion, even just "Of our angry frozen faces".
"cacophonous sounds" - I see the word "cacophonous" used a lot in poetry where the writer has a solid vocabulary. It's not a pretty word, or a very descriptive word, it's just a big word. I think you can paint a much more imaginative picture by finding a different way to describe the cacophonous sounds than the word cacophonous.
The last line of the first stanza I think made me a little lost the first time I read it, and maybe there's a better way to say what you're saying - just something to explore.
I'm not sure "physique" is the best word to characterize the sun with. It's just too human, and I don't think you're trying to humanize the sun, nor do I think that would help you achieve your metaphorical goal should you be trying to do so. I want the sun to feel like the sun: "under its optimistic heat", or something along those lines.

I think that's about it -- I know it seems like a lot, but it's really a lot of minor ideas, and even if you don't agree I believe that exploring them will help you to better the piece.

I think it has a lot of potential! Good luck.

[lfdfforever]

can't appreciate something that doesnt rhyme at allyou're such a sore sport. this piece is genius and if you can see that stop writing you dumbass.

[lfdfforever]

An hour crisped to death in the sun,
Buried under its optimistic physique,
As we tried to burden our leaden faces
With no bone structures able to catch us.

the flow of this stanza is perfect.

And the degrees trickled down through
Lace fibers and all our cotton cross patterns
As we tried to ignore the mounting discoloration
Of the angry red erupting in our frozen faces.

clear and cunning images displayed in stanza two.


Until the air, enervated with cacophonous sounds,
Grazed the apartment walls width to an eyelash thin,
Did I believe our relationship was light enough to be
Tornadoed by a gust of wind; this January will be freezing.

stanza three brings it back together with a conclusion of a mundane relationship
that should of meant more than it did.

[Idealist80]

you're such a sore sport. this piece is genius and if you can see that stop writing you dumbass.


wow, don't flatter yourself

[SuicideKing]

can't appreciate something that doesnt rhyme at all

really? that's just... ignorant

wow, don't flatter yourself

he didn't

[SuicideKing]

Idealist -- rhyming in poetry is one of the most difficult things to tastfully pull off, and many, many great poems are absent of any purposeful rhymes (or of rhymes altogether).

As for the poem, I think it's a brilliant start. I was a little thrown off by the first stanza because it gave me the feeling of being outside, when I believe (correct me if I'm wrong), the whole poem takes place in the apartment setting?

The continuation of this "outdoorsy" feel is making me think a window is open or something, and I kind of wish I was told this, or had some explanation for your ability to be affected by the sun and the air. In a stuffed up room in such a circumstance, I would imagine it would almost feel like there is no "air" to be affected... the poem makes me feel like there is more of a lack thereof (metaphorically speaking).

I have a few more suggestions based on specific points. The following things struck me as feeling forced or not detailing what's going on in the best way possible:

"cotton cross patterns" - feels forced, I kind of want to read something more plain here i.e. "denim patterns", "plaid patterns", whatever...
"angry red erupting" - I think you can find a better way to say this... you're describing an emotion less so than the physical color and change, and that physical change is expressed in the fact that it is happening in or on your "frozen faces"... so maybe instead I'd like for the focus to be more on the emotion, even just "Of our angry frozen faces".
"cacophonous sounds" - I see the word "cacophonous" used a lot in poetry where the writer has a solid vocabulary. It's not a pretty word, or a very descriptive word, it's just a big word. I think you can paint a much more imaginative picture by finding a different way to describe the cacophonous sounds than the word cacophonous.
The last line of the first stanza I think made me a little lost the first time I read it, and maybe there's a better way to say what you're saying - just something to explore.
I'm not sure "physique" is the best word to characterize the sun with. It's just too human, and I don't think you're trying to humanize the sun, nor do I think that would help you achieve your metaphorical goal should you be trying to do so. I want the sun to feel like the sun: "under its optimistic heat", or something along those lines.

I think that's about it -- I know it seems like a lot, but it's really a lot of minor ideas, and even if you don't agree I believe that exploring them will help you to better the piece.

I think it has a lot of potential! Good luck.

i like you're critique but i would have to disagree with you on a few points:

1) i don't think "cotton crossed patterns" feels forced, i think the line is just not as economical as it could be. maybe if the word "cotton was edited so that the line reads "lace fibers and all our cross patterns." i think with that minor adjustment the image becomes a bit more interesting while keeping the reader attentive with an increased ambiguity.

2) i disagree with your assessment of the word "cacophonous." i think it's a perfect choice in diction considering that, when read aloud, the word sounds violent and noisy; which is exactly what's being described


3) i do agree that physique is an odd choice but i don't think it's necessarily a bad one. i think it's an idea that can be developed.

[SuicideKing]

p.s. LOVE the line about the eyelash thin walls...