write your own Bill Simmons column

[xbrokendownx]

http://www.chisport.com/sportsguy.html



takes awhile, but its kinda cool.

ill post mine when im finished

[asianxcore]

has he been eliminated from the main event yet

[xbrokendownx]

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction


So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Alex Rodriguez had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Grady Little, that I dislike more than Alex Rodriguez. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy blowing a gasket,' these two are a barn burner.


The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. stupendous! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Alex Rodriguez. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Joey from Friends of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Alex Rodriguez caught a case of Herpes at the beginning of September, opening a Tony Richardson on steroids-sized hole for the Red Sox to cruise to the playoffs.


Bish points out that the chances that Alex Rodriguez will come down with Herpes in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitation of some sort. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.


Here is what we came up with:


4. Alex Rodriguez receives a vicious Dawkplex from David Ortiz in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway Park.


(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Brett Hart vs. Shawn Michaels Iron-Man match? That and when Rudy are the winners of the 'Most stupendous Non-Real-Life Sports Moment Competition 2006.')


3. Alex Rodriguez is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Billy Wagner or Brian Sabean.


2. Alex Rodriguez hangs a homemade collage featuring scrabook-style clippings of Brandon Walsh and Daniel-son in his locker. He is immediately placed on the DL with 'flu-like symptoms.'


1. Alex Rodriguez meets jeff probst from survivor, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'


After we finish with the conversation about Alex Rodriguez we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Bonnie Bernstein is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.


Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Posh Spice and going back to her place, only to find out that Shawn Kemp is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?


However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Monopoly with cookies' and 'David Wells's Shiny stripper as potential team names, we settle on 'Simmons' Sizzlers.'


The thing that's exciting about this league is that it is an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL '93 and NHL '94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that the White Sox will repeat as Champions, but not everyone knows how to conduct an auction.


Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy in the league does not have to buy groceries, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is a crucial part of auction success. (Speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch John Kruk perform Van Halen while dancing?' Don't they realize we'd rather play fantasy baseball? Though that would be cool.)


Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have auctions in strip clubs. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; every person in the room is going to be displeased and have an extremely sore ass after four hours. No, the auction must be held in someone's house-best furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Halo arcade game, but owner B has a case of Natty. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'what the fuck are you doing honey?' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be playing with dolls, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.


I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Phil Ivey doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the democrat of fantasy sports.


It's also like a sex. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':


Round One-seeing butterflies


Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Oakland A's? Do they have a tendency toward overconfidence? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like change.


Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you'd never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Mark Prior, or over-hyped rookies that never panned out, like Rick Ankiel.


Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don't overpay and find yourself begging for money like turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.


Round Two-Have a Sense of economics


In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your the Joker-Batman in Batman moment, and you need to decide what to do.


Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $4000000 for David Wells, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like David Ortiz? Or are you Marty Morningwegh, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.


Round Three-Moving Day

Phase three of the draft is moving day, like day three of The Masters. You need to shoot a 69. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less sticky, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Christina Aguilera in a room full of Mormon.


Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Alex Gonzalez, you'll be okay.


Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit


By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become prolonged. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the day, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are The master of All Trivia and that is that.


In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I'm free the next morning.' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like bomb, screaming incomprehensible things like John Madden and threatening to kill someone if they do not get their way.


Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.


'YOU CAN DO IT!'

[The Matt Kaufman]

funny shit

[fire on my lips]

funny, that posted article could have been a Bill Simmons reject column.

[FondestMemory]

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Mike Mussina had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Grady Little, that I dislike more than Mike Mussina. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy fucking angry,' these two are a barn burner.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. kickass! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Mike Mussina. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Fran Drescher of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Mike Mussina caught a case of the clap at the beginning of September, opening a Iron Head Hayward on HGH-sized hole for the Red Sox to cruise to the playoffs.

Bish points out that the chances that Mike Mussina will come down with the clap in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitation of some sort. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Mike Mussina receives a vicious upside down half loogey handover fist flip from Coco Crisp in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when when Macho Man killed Miss Elizabeth? That and when when Chris Rock died in the remake of the Longest Yard and they went out and won the game anyways are the winners of the 'Most kickass Non-Real-Life Sports Moment Competition 2006.')

3. Mike Mussina is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Bob Wickman or Isiah Thomas.

2. Mike Mussina hangs a homemade collage featuring scrabook-style clippings of Jason Priestly and Hilary Swank in his locker. He is immediately placed on the DL with 'flu-like symptoms.'

1. Mike Mussina meets Trishelle from Rock Star: Supernova, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Mike Mussina we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Bonnie Bernstein is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Anna Benson and going back to her place, only to find out that Shawn Kemp is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked battleship with love covered handbaskets' and 'Oliver Miller's Shiny Celine Dion as potential team names, we settle on 'Simmons' Psychonauts.'

The thing that's exciting about this league is that it is an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL '93 and NHL '94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that the Redskins are good, but not everyone knows how to conduct an auction.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy in the league does not have to watch Sex In The City, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is a crucial part of auction success. (Speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Dakoda Dowd perform Manowar while rubbing the clit?' Don't they realize we'd rather play fantasy baseball? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have auctions in whore houses. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; every person in the room is going to be shitty sad and have an extremely sore penis after four hours. No, the auction must be held in someone's house-best furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Max Payne arcade game, but owner B has a case of PBR. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'don't expect your dick in my mouth for a long time' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be practicing blowjobs, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Matt Damon doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the fuck bush of fantasy sports.

It's also like a sex with me. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-punch him in the ass

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Pittsburgh Pirates? Do they have a tendency toward punching yourself in the crotch? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like tampons.

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you'd never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Ken Griffey Jr., or over-hyped rookies that never panned out, like Todd Van Poppel.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don't overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of Scientology

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Darth Maul-Ewan McGregor in the Phantom Menace moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $20 for Daryl Strawberry, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Bobby Thompson? Or are you Marv Levy, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day
Phase three of the draft is moving day, like day three of the Masters. You need to shoot a 12. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less horny, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Tara Reid in a room full of Mormons.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and their shortstop, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become too fucking long. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the day, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are The Not So Great of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'you talkin to me?' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like my cock after a nice handjob, screaming incomprehensible things like Chris Tucker and threatening to punch you in the dick if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.
'you're money baby'

[Yankees' #1 Fan]

deadspin.

[Brownpants06]

haha

[Split2nd]

Brett Hart vs. Shawn Michaels Iron-Man match

I was there!!! What a great match

[Brownpants06]

this was the first part of mine, the rest sucked

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. furious! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Sidney Ponson. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Elaine of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Sidney Ponson caught a case of Cancer at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Reggie Bush on HGH.

[FondestMemory]

(Speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Dakoda Dowd perform Manowar while rubbing the clit?' Don't they realize we'd rather play fantasy baseball? Though that would be cool.)

that's my favorite line out of mine.

[justinevans]

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction


So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Bobby Abreu had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Grady Little, that I dislike more than Bobby Abreu. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Alex S. Gonzalez,' these two are a 'Alex S. Gonzalez.


The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. irate! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Bobby Abreu. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the David Spade of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Bobby Abreu caught a case of Cancer at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Thomas Tapeh on HGH.


Bish points out that the chances that Bobby Abreu will come down with Cancer in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.


Here is what we came up with:


4. Bobby Abreu receives a vicious Rock Bottom from David Ortiz in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway Park.


(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Hogan takes down the Giant? I don't even care if it was fake, that was scrumptalescent. That rivals when When Rudy finally gets to play for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)


3. Bobby Abreu is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Brad Lidge or Ed Wade.


2. Bobby Abreu hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Brandon Walsh and Karate Kid in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.


1. Bobby Abreu meets Simon from American Idol, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'


After we finish with the conversation about Bobby Abreu we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Lesley Visser is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.


Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Eva Longoria and going back to her place, only to find out that Wilt Chamberlin is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?


However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Chutes and Ladders with women's blouses' and 'Cecil Fielder's Shiny hookers as potential team names, we settle on 'Jesus Loved the Cock.'


The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that undefined but not everyone knows how to do an auction.


Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to eat pussy, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch The Smiths perform songs by Sal Fasano while I get a massage? Though that would be cool.)


Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a Strip Club. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be horny and have an extremely sore undefined after four hours.


No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Halo 2 arcade game, but owner B has a case of Miller High Life. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'I am going to cut off your balls.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in masturbation, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.


I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Shannon Elizabeth doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the liberals of fantasy sports.


It's also like a sex. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':


Round One-Give him your best shot


Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Kansas City Royals? Do they have a tendency toward acting retarded? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like a slave in the basement.


Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Nomar Garciaparra, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Lastings Millege.


Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.


Round Two-Have a Sense of Psychology


In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your The Penguin-Batman in Batman 2 moment, and you need to decide what to do.


Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid trading your three children for Doc Gooden, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like David Ortiz? Or are you Rich Kotite, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.


Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of The U.S. Open. You need to shoot a 62. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less arousing, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Paris Hilton in a Jewish service.


Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Alex S. Gonzalez, you'll be okay.


Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit


By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become drawn out. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the King of All Trivia and that is that.


In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Am I funny to you? Am I the funny guy?' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like a water balloon, screaming incomprehensible things like Charlie Manuel and threatening to shit themselves if they do not get their way.


Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.


'Do the chickens have large talons?'