incomplete?

[Kirsty.com]

I was seriously struggling to get going on this one, and i couldn't finish it, so any opinions or help would be lovely. thank you (:




Maybe one day you’ll look through your misted eyes
Maybe one day you’ll notice her malicious lies.
Maybe one day the sun will replace the moon.
Maybe that one-day, will just come too soon.

I wish that someone would wake you up.
I wish that someone would care too much.
I wish that someone would take me far.
I wish that someone knew you were my star.

Am I not worthy of your time?
Am I not worthy to your helpless rhyme?
Am I not worthy to smile too?
Cause your she’s not worthy like me and you.

[TheSnoo]

Personally, I think this is pretty good. It could be a little longer though.

[Kirsty.com]

thanks. yeah i know, i was really trying to extend it, but i just couldnt find the right words:\. any ideas?

[SLoT]

I enjoy poems like this. It's brings me back to a simple method, but if you've got the right words it's enjoyable everytime for me.

[The Indigo]

So, so, so awful. There's nothing good about it.

-Repitition used as laziness rather than for any artistic end.
-A near complete lack of any kind of poetic device, and the ones you do choose to use are so utterly cliched, it seems as if you're beating a horse to death with a red rose just before walking off into a sunset.
-The poem can't go a stanza without clunking over it's own "form," if you can call it that, and the inconsistencies within the ideas presented therein make me wonder why you bothered to have stanzas at all.

Overall, it's embarrassingly amateur, and I wouldn't be this hard on you except that I know you've been posting in this forum for almost and year now and, apparently, you have decided to ignore every ounce of criticism given to you.

[Kirsty.com]

thanks:)