Stars Behind Stars

[I'm A Superhero]

Ok, so I've never posted anything here before, but I recently wrote a poem that I want some feedback on. I think it still needs a bunch of editing because some of the lines don't flow well, but I'm not sure where to start. Feel free to comment or criticize all you want, it can only help.

You stuck glowing plastic stars to your ceiling
You said they were to keep you safe while dreaming
I laughed and said if you really wanted
I could show you some real meaning
So I took out a knife, cut a hole in your roof
And held you up so you could see the truth
Real stars aren't as easy to grasp
As the green plastic toys in your room
You smirked and built a ladder to the sky
And climbed to the top dragging me behind
You took my knife and cut another hole
And said I was still trapped inside
I poked my head through and saw beyond far
I found stars behind the stars
A dozen bright stars hung over your bed
I hung a million in the sky overhead
Yet we both couldn't see all of the truth
So now there are holes in the sky and your roof

[h0merg0mez]

"I poked my head through and saw beyond far
I found stars behind the stars"

The money lines right there.

I'd say, have it read a little less like a story. I think the lack of flow is from the story being told a bit too obviously. Good luck!

[leaveawhisper]

I really like this! Since you asked for constructive criticism, I kind of stumbled over the wording of a few lines, especially at the end...there were parts of it that definitely seemed to flow more smoothly than others. Wonderful idea for a poem though, and I love the end.

[mjrebel]

i like the concept and some of the lines and the flow aint bad. but i didnt like the end. idk why, it seems like it just ends so abruptly!

[I'm A Superhero]

Thank you all for the comments. I'm working on an edit now, hopefully it'll be done soon so I can post it here. I've already fixed most of the lines so they flow better. I'm also trying to add some stuff after the line "I found stars behind the stars," because I do agree that the ending is a bit abrupt. I'm glad you all liked the idea.

[gup]

I liked it a lot. I thought it flowed well, and liked how it was in the form of a story. Good job keep it up. Can't wait to read the rewrite

[I'm A Superhero]

New version:

You stuck twelve glowing green plastic stars to your ceiling
And said they're to keep you safe while dreaming
I smiled and told you if you really wanted
I'd show you a secret worth keeping
I pulled out a knife, cut a hole in your roof
And then held you up high so you'd see the whole truth
The galaxy isn't as easy to grasp
As the green plastic stars in your room
You raised a ladder that reached to the sky
And climbed to the top, dragging me behind
You cut a new hole through the blue and the white
And then smirked as you shifted aside
I poked my head through and I saw beyond far
I found stars behind the stars
I couldn't keep track as they swirled overhead
The millions of stars turned to billions instead
Then, we stumbled and tumbled through time and space
And we landed back safe on your bed
The stars in your room may be held up by tape
But they shine just as bright as those floating in space
I didn't believe it but now we've got proof
Because now there are holes in the sky and your roof

thoughts/critiques?

[Triqii101]

I loved what you did for the new version. It's pretty great!