mat1419
08/11/06, 11:06 AM
Review by Bill Simmons
As for our final movie, "Invincible" doesn't come out until Aug. 25, but I weaseled my way into an afternoon press screening on the Walt Disney Studios lot in Burbank. Before I moved out here, I always imagined these advance screenings were high-class affairs -- you parked on the lot, then they chaffeured you around in a fancy golf cart and showed you the productions of different movies, finally bringing you to some state-of-the-art screening theater where you watched the movie and dined on cocktails and shellfish.
In real life? You show up at the front entrance of the lot, a security guard tells you, "Park over there (pointing to his right), the theater is over there (pointing to his left)," then you park and wander around aimlessly on this giant Hollywood lot for about 20 minutes (it's like being lost in an amusement park), until you eventually run into two more people also wandering around and wondering why every building looks the same, and eventually, you evolve into this herd of people holding notebooks and wandering aimlessly around until you finally find the right building, only it has three floors and no signs telling you where to go, so you wander around some more until you stumble across the PR people standing outside the screening room who are just friendly enough that you hold off on making one of those sarcastic "thanks for the great directions"-type remarks. And the actual theater is tiny, with uncomfortable seats and a small screen, and there's no popcorn, candy or soda ever, ever, EVER, under any circumstances. Although there's always a 75-page booklet that tells you everything you would ever want to know about the movie. I feel like you need to know these things.
So I was in rare form when the movie started -- sweaty, pissed off, already mulling ways to skewer a crummy Disney football movie in this column that runs on a Web site owned by Disney (just as tough a task as you would think). But then something incredible happened. The movie started …
And …
Well …
It was really good. I mean, right off the bat.
Who woulda thunk? Mark Walhberg plays Vince Papale, a 30-year-old Philly bartender/teacher who moonlights as the best guy in his weekly tackle football game and dreams of playing for the Eagles. (Bonus points because this guy actually existed -- the real Papale ended up becoming a special teams ace for the Eagles for three years, although the movie takes some liberties with his story.) As soon as I saw Marky Mark in another one of those Dirk Diggler wigs, I got one of those Jack Horner looks on my face -- I knew there was a great sports movie in his pants just itching to get out. And I was almost right.
We start rooting for Vince as soon as his wife dumps him in the second scene; fortunately, she never comes back when things turn around like Gabe Kaplan's bandwagon wife in "Fast Break," or even Adrian in "Rocky 4." Fortunately, he still has his buddies from the bar, a bunch of Philly sad sacks/sports nuts (shades of the first "Rocky") led by his best friend, the guy who once played Miguel Alvarez on "Oz." And 20 minutes into the movie, Elizabeth Banks (my favorite Hollywood actress who hasn't become famous yet) starts waitressing there, playing the adorable cousin of the owner who doubles as a humongous Giants fan and football buff.
(Note: That's a classic ridiculous Hollywood subplot -- the ugly bar owner who's somehow related to a beautiful single woman in her mid-20s who loves sports, has a great sense of humor and enjoys hanging out with loser locals at a bar. Like that person exists. And if that wasn't unrealistic enough, they have the gall to make her an extremely attractive, naturally blonde Giants fan? Why not just cast Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster?)
And just when poor Vince loses his teaching job and seems irrevocably down on his luck, new Philly coach Dick Vermeil (played by Greg Kinnear, who officially has the most peculiar IMDB.com profile in Hollywood now) announces that he's holding tryouts for anyone who wants to try out for the Eagles. That's right, anyone. Even 30-year-old bartenders wearing '70s wigs. And you can guess what happens next. In fact, I won't spoil it for you. But I will tell you this much …
• This movie has MULTIPLE chill scenes (four by my count). Even a speech gave me chills (the pep talk from his dad).
• Not only are the football scenes believable, you don't care that Wahlberg is probably 5-foot-9 in real life (and I'm being generous). Then again, if Sean Astin can play a Notre Dame football player and a hobbit in a 10-year span, anything's possible in a sports movie at this point.
• Wahlberg has three successful acting personalities: Beaten Down But Serenely Confident (first hour of "Boogie Nights"), Cool, Cocky & Flashy (second hour of "Boogie Nights"), Strung Out & Scared (the Sister Christian scene in "Boogie Nights"). If he's trying to play anything other than those three types, we're in trouble (rent "Rock Star" and "Planet of the Apes," you'll see what I mean). But he's in "first hour of "Boogie Nights"/Eddie Adams" mode for the entire movie here. Right in his wheelhouse. Did I want him to start screaming at Vermeil, "You're not the boss of me! You're not the boss of me!" during the scene when Vermeil chewed him out for a missed tackle near the end? Of course. That goes without saying. But he's come a long way since the "Good Vibrations" video, you have to admit.
• I liked Kinnear's portrayal of Vermeil, but he doesn't cry once. How is that possible? There better be a deleted scene on the DVD when he's bawling like a baby in the locker room. And while we're here, can we have a director's commentary where Vermeil alternately comments and sobs as he watches the movie?
• Did I mention that Elizabeth Banks is going to be a huge star? When you can pull off the Token Hot Chick role in a sports movie and actually bring something to the table, you've accomplished something. She's great. As always.
• Thanks to CGI, any football scene in any crowded stadium is officially awesome. Totally realistic. We need to re-do every crowd scene from every sports movie in the '70s and '80s with CGI. Let's get on this.
• I need to research this a little more, but there's a good chance that "Invincible" broke "Slapshot"'s Hideous Facial Hair record for a sports movie. That's always fun.
So what were the problems with "Invincible"? I had three. First, as much as I enjoyed the '70s soundtrack, the instrumental music during games that was supposed to give me goose bumps just didn't cut it. (Inexcusable. You can't drop the ball on the goose-bump music.) Second, if you're going to have his Eagle teammates riding him throughout the movie, you HAVE to give me the scene later on when they accept him. (And I'm not talking about a hug on the sidelines -- I'm talking about one of those "You're all right, white boy" scenes at 3 a.m. after about 20 beers in someone's hotel room. These things make me happy.) And third, the ending didn't quite work for me -- a little too improbable for a "based on a real life" story, filmed too tightly, disappointing payoff. It just fell flat. I was slightly bummed out. And then the movie suddenly ended like how the Red Sox games end on the Extra Innings package, where they're still shaking hands and suddenly you're staring at the "Thank You For Watching Comcast" graphic. I hate that.
For now, I'm slapping this one with the "very good, not great" tag. For the official verdict, we'll have to wait until HBO is showing it 900 times next August. In the meantime, I urge every Philly sports fan to see this movie -- you'll love the old Eagles footage, you'll love the scenes of Philly fans doing the whole down-in-the-dumps-at-a-bar thing, you'll love the footage of the city, and you even get a happy ending for once. Enjoy.
Grade: A-minus
As for our final movie, "Invincible" doesn't come out until Aug. 25, but I weaseled my way into an afternoon press screening on the Walt Disney Studios lot in Burbank. Before I moved out here, I always imagined these advance screenings were high-class affairs -- you parked on the lot, then they chaffeured you around in a fancy golf cart and showed you the productions of different movies, finally bringing you to some state-of-the-art screening theater where you watched the movie and dined on cocktails and shellfish.
In real life? You show up at the front entrance of the lot, a security guard tells you, "Park over there (pointing to his right), the theater is over there (pointing to his left)," then you park and wander around aimlessly on this giant Hollywood lot for about 20 minutes (it's like being lost in an amusement park), until you eventually run into two more people also wandering around and wondering why every building looks the same, and eventually, you evolve into this herd of people holding notebooks and wandering aimlessly around until you finally find the right building, only it has three floors and no signs telling you where to go, so you wander around some more until you stumble across the PR people standing outside the screening room who are just friendly enough that you hold off on making one of those sarcastic "thanks for the great directions"-type remarks. And the actual theater is tiny, with uncomfortable seats and a small screen, and there's no popcorn, candy or soda ever, ever, EVER, under any circumstances. Although there's always a 75-page booklet that tells you everything you would ever want to know about the movie. I feel like you need to know these things.
So I was in rare form when the movie started -- sweaty, pissed off, already mulling ways to skewer a crummy Disney football movie in this column that runs on a Web site owned by Disney (just as tough a task as you would think). But then something incredible happened. The movie started …
And …
Well …
It was really good. I mean, right off the bat.
Who woulda thunk? Mark Walhberg plays Vince Papale, a 30-year-old Philly bartender/teacher who moonlights as the best guy in his weekly tackle football game and dreams of playing for the Eagles. (Bonus points because this guy actually existed -- the real Papale ended up becoming a special teams ace for the Eagles for three years, although the movie takes some liberties with his story.) As soon as I saw Marky Mark in another one of those Dirk Diggler wigs, I got one of those Jack Horner looks on my face -- I knew there was a great sports movie in his pants just itching to get out. And I was almost right.
We start rooting for Vince as soon as his wife dumps him in the second scene; fortunately, she never comes back when things turn around like Gabe Kaplan's bandwagon wife in "Fast Break," or even Adrian in "Rocky 4." Fortunately, he still has his buddies from the bar, a bunch of Philly sad sacks/sports nuts (shades of the first "Rocky") led by his best friend, the guy who once played Miguel Alvarez on "Oz." And 20 minutes into the movie, Elizabeth Banks (my favorite Hollywood actress who hasn't become famous yet) starts waitressing there, playing the adorable cousin of the owner who doubles as a humongous Giants fan and football buff.
(Note: That's a classic ridiculous Hollywood subplot -- the ugly bar owner who's somehow related to a beautiful single woman in her mid-20s who loves sports, has a great sense of humor and enjoys hanging out with loser locals at a bar. Like that person exists. And if that wasn't unrealistic enough, they have the gall to make her an extremely attractive, naturally blonde Giants fan? Why not just cast Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster?)
And just when poor Vince loses his teaching job and seems irrevocably down on his luck, new Philly coach Dick Vermeil (played by Greg Kinnear, who officially has the most peculiar IMDB.com profile in Hollywood now) announces that he's holding tryouts for anyone who wants to try out for the Eagles. That's right, anyone. Even 30-year-old bartenders wearing '70s wigs. And you can guess what happens next. In fact, I won't spoil it for you. But I will tell you this much …
• This movie has MULTIPLE chill scenes (four by my count). Even a speech gave me chills (the pep talk from his dad).
• Not only are the football scenes believable, you don't care that Wahlberg is probably 5-foot-9 in real life (and I'm being generous). Then again, if Sean Astin can play a Notre Dame football player and a hobbit in a 10-year span, anything's possible in a sports movie at this point.
• Wahlberg has three successful acting personalities: Beaten Down But Serenely Confident (first hour of "Boogie Nights"), Cool, Cocky & Flashy (second hour of "Boogie Nights"), Strung Out & Scared (the Sister Christian scene in "Boogie Nights"). If he's trying to play anything other than those three types, we're in trouble (rent "Rock Star" and "Planet of the Apes," you'll see what I mean). But he's in "first hour of "Boogie Nights"/Eddie Adams" mode for the entire movie here. Right in his wheelhouse. Did I want him to start screaming at Vermeil, "You're not the boss of me! You're not the boss of me!" during the scene when Vermeil chewed him out for a missed tackle near the end? Of course. That goes without saying. But he's come a long way since the "Good Vibrations" video, you have to admit.
• I liked Kinnear's portrayal of Vermeil, but he doesn't cry once. How is that possible? There better be a deleted scene on the DVD when he's bawling like a baby in the locker room. And while we're here, can we have a director's commentary where Vermeil alternately comments and sobs as he watches the movie?
• Did I mention that Elizabeth Banks is going to be a huge star? When you can pull off the Token Hot Chick role in a sports movie and actually bring something to the table, you've accomplished something. She's great. As always.
• Thanks to CGI, any football scene in any crowded stadium is officially awesome. Totally realistic. We need to re-do every crowd scene from every sports movie in the '70s and '80s with CGI. Let's get on this.
• I need to research this a little more, but there's a good chance that "Invincible" broke "Slapshot"'s Hideous Facial Hair record for a sports movie. That's always fun.
So what were the problems with "Invincible"? I had three. First, as much as I enjoyed the '70s soundtrack, the instrumental music during games that was supposed to give me goose bumps just didn't cut it. (Inexcusable. You can't drop the ball on the goose-bump music.) Second, if you're going to have his Eagle teammates riding him throughout the movie, you HAVE to give me the scene later on when they accept him. (And I'm not talking about a hug on the sidelines -- I'm talking about one of those "You're all right, white boy" scenes at 3 a.m. after about 20 beers in someone's hotel room. These things make me happy.) And third, the ending didn't quite work for me -- a little too improbable for a "based on a real life" story, filmed too tightly, disappointing payoff. It just fell flat. I was slightly bummed out. And then the movie suddenly ended like how the Red Sox games end on the Extra Innings package, where they're still shaking hands and suddenly you're staring at the "Thank You For Watching Comcast" graphic. I hate that.
For now, I'm slapping this one with the "very good, not great" tag. For the official verdict, we'll have to wait until HBO is showing it 900 times next August. In the meantime, I urge every Philly sports fan to see this movie -- you'll love the old Eagles footage, you'll love the scenes of Philly fans doing the whole down-in-the-dumps-at-a-bar thing, you'll love the footage of the city, and you even get a happy ending for once. Enjoy.
Grade: A-minus