Phantoms

[Jabble524]

Phantoms

Saw myself reflected in you
Thought I could stop my pain
By being your tourniquet

Tried so hard, to keep our cravings
From carving their way into consciousness
But they severed our serenity
And divorced our love from trust

Denial taught me how to lie
Found clever places
To hide from my shadow
And slip into illusion

Enchanted by envy
And enamored with vanity
Hubris led us to the ocean

Waves of euphoria
Crashed on the lonely beaches

[theDrunkPianist]

Sweet poem, I'm definitely feeling this. I could relate...

[BlackHeartBook]

I like the words used and the way you fused them 2gethr like puzzle pieces not to sound strange bt thts how it sounded to me like it just clicked

[The Indigo]

Clicheeeeeeee. Try something original, something that hasn't already been said in the same ways you're saying it.

[paperwings2007]

I 100% agree with The Indigo.

[daveinreallife]

"enchanted by envy" that line was pretty much the clincher for me. great job Jabble!

[Jabble524]

Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and offer feedback. I admit, it is a bit cliche, but I think songs/poems about love, romance, heartbreak, etc. are almost unavoidably cliche. Just because they are areas that have been written about so much. Really, there's nothing to say that hasn't been said before, and probably said better by someone else. However, I think love, romance, and heartbreak are some of the most powerful and visceral emotions I have experienced, so that's why I write about them.

[The Indigo]

Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and offer feedback. I admit, it is a bit cliche, but I think songs/poems about love, romance, heartbreak, etc. are almost unavoidably cliche. Just because they are areas that have been written about so much. Really, there's nothing to say that hasn't been said before, and probably said better by someone else. However, I think love, romance, and heartbreak are some of the most powerful and visceral emotions I have experienced, so that's why I write about them.
Sorry, but that just isn't true. There are plenty of poetry chapbooks published everyday that examine love and heartbreak in new, original ways. It just about being well read enough and creative enough to come up with those new ways.

[SuicideKing]

Sorry, but that just isn't true. There are plenty of poetry chapbooks published everyday that examine love and heartbreak in new, original ways. It just about being well read enough and creative enough to come up with those new ways.

agreed, and thank you for pointing out that it's a lot about being well read. most wouldn't make that observation

[Jabble524]

I suppose I will have to bury myself in reading old dusty poetry books.

[Idealist80]

from my speculation this seems pretty cliche, and forced its not as bad as alot of the shit ive seen on here though, so just keep at it man... unique ideas and moments of inspiration can make your writing better/easier.

[cunlinh007]

Thanks U! :X:X:X

[JawsTheme182]

Clicheeeeeeee. Try something original, something that hasn't already been said in the same ways you're saying it.

You telling people how cliche their poems and lyrics are is getting... pretty cliche.

[The Indigo]

You telling people how cliche their poems and lyrics are is getting... pretty cliche.
:shrug:

[DevinDomino]

You telling people how cliche their poems and lyrics are is getting... pretty cliche.

Cliche is his favorite word. He thinks it makes him sound smart and it makes him feel good about himself.

[The Indigo]

Seriously, if you get this bent out of shape about someone calling your cliche lyrics cliche on a message board, you're probably not ready for the internet. I know this is serious business and all, and artists are supposed to be sensitive, but you guys are just plain bitchy.

[BlackHeartBook]

Hahaha nice that just made my day haha

[DevinDomino]

Seriously, if you get this bent out of shape about someone calling your cliche lyrics cliche on a message board, you're probably not ready for the internet. I know this is serious business and all, and artists are supposed to be sensitive, but you guys are just plain bitchy.

I just love to piss you off!

[The Indigo]

Do you need a hug?

[DevinDomino]

Do you need a hug?

Ew a gay! haha

No homophobe.

[slamdown]

It has good parts for sure, for example " Tried so hard, to keep our cravings. From carving their way into consciousness" is a great line imo. I personally do think elements of it ARE a little cliché yes, so maybe work on removing those bits and keeping the good elements?

[Jabble524]

Just for the record, I was not offended. Criticism is the price of sharing art in public. And criticism isn't always bad, some of it can be constructive. But it does not upset me, once I write it, and present it publicly, the poem is really no longer any of my business, or concerns, because at that point, it is in the eye of the beholder, whatever it means to each individual reader.