Modify Me as Your Own

[lfdfforever]

i hope you deem me practical and some what insane.

this first impressions has a short name

and i'm keeping it proper,

with capital letters and elegant claims.

you're the last description,

located in memory that marches ahead

and never stops to think, "maybe i should wait."

wrote down in cursive convictions.

sloppy and forged to fit skin;

suspected to be a worn out fake.

i wish you'd modify me as your own.

diminishing the inessential flaws,

i've kept public in secondary locations.

ironically surrounded by complex alterations.

i anticipate the next juncture

you and i will dissipate.

like two currents proceeding this predetermined course.

hoping for vast dreams of euphoric space.

[Eric+TheSliders]

I'm just curious.. arent you concerned with people stealing your lyrics. They are very good, and I do like them, but it just doesnt seem intelligent to post them up on the internet so easily. unless you can write stuff like this in a heartbeat

[lfdfforever]

I've never really thought about that.

[The Indigo]

Everything you write instantly becomes copyrighted. If someone steals it (and you find out) you've got every right to take legal action.

btw, remind me to comment on this.

[lfdfforever]

comment please. lol

[Ripmedj]

haha sick dude. and copying is the most sincere form of flattery

[BlackHeartBook]

sincere but oh so annoying

[introduction]

It starts off a little 'eh'-ishly but gets really good after that.

[The Indigo]

i hope you deem me practical and some what insane.
This is a decent opening, nothing wowing, but it works with where the rest of the poem is going.
this first impressions has a short name

and i'm keeping it proper,

with capital letters and elegant claims.
To me, these are the best three lines of the whole shebang. It speaks to an age old topic in a fresh way, providing a really great image that mixes content in form. It's even mildly self-referential, which is always fun to play around with. Is there a particular reason for the subject-verb disagreement? (this first impressions has a short name). If not, I'd fix that.
you're the last description,

located in memory that marches ahead

and never stops to think, "maybe i should wait."

wrote down in cursive convictions.

sloppy and forged to fit skin;

suspected to be a wore out fake.
OK. First of all, the line "and never stops to think, "maybe I should wait."" could disappear completely and not be missed. It seems pretty superfluous. Other than that, you've got another really strong image here. Is that second line a grammatical error? If not, it still works, but it's a little awkward. I stumbled over it the first and second time I read it. In addition, that last line should say "worn out fake," shouldn't it? i wish you'd modify me as your own.

diminishing the inessential flaws,

i've kept public in secondary locations.

ironically surrounded by complex alterations.
And here we have the meat of the poem. This is where your speaker is making the realization around which the poem is centered, so it needs to be a strong section that really catches your reader. Otherwise, the poem as a whole suffers. Is there a different way to say "inessential flaws?" It seems needlessly wordy (aren't all flaws inessential?) and the consonants don't quite flow smoothly. I'm confused by that third line (the concept of "secondary locations" seems to conflict with what would be "public") , but the last line wraps up the image quite nicely, but saying the alterations are complex doesn't really speak to their quality, which makes the word "ironically" basically useless. I'd either cut the word "ironically" or add some kind of negative phrasing to the line. For example, "ironically surround by bullshit alterations." My example sucks but you get the point.
i anticipate the next juncture

you and i will dissipate.

like two currents proceeding this predetermined course.

hoping for vast dreams of euphoric space.
Another very strong image. I've been meaning to ask this for the whole critique but is there any specific motive for your punctuation choices? I ask because there's no period after that first line and without it, it seems like you're missing an "at" in the first line. The third line is a strong, strong line. Great imagery and alliteration, but the metaphor conflicts with the one presented in the last line (I can't think of an image in which "currents" and "euphoric space" would coexist). Again, it's another conflict that would be solved with a chance in punctuation (comma after the second line, comma after the third, period on the last).

Overall, this is a solid piece that would benefit from a close edit. You've got an eye for really romantic images. Try playing with colors in the future. For some reason, I think you'd be really good at it. 7.1/10

[SuicideKing]

Overall, this is a solid piece that would benefit from a close edit. You've got an eye for really romantic images. Try playing with colors in the future. For some reason, I think you'd be really good at it. 7.1/10


if you start to play with color in your poems read Wallace Stevens

[cshadows2887]

I like this a lot. Usually the abtract and image-filled doesn't move me, but this did.