I’m loaded like dice

[beau blood rush]

His eyes roll back to white in wonder,
Can you hear his heart clap like thunder?
Hes ‘struck’ in middles with you
His roar goes mute
He riddles his vows in her darkened rooms
I’m a bank job, now whose the tip off?
‘I wanted to be caught’
or come out on top - of you.
Some nights I’m just covers that don’t reach past your toes
A pillowed head that won’t ease those troubled bones
I got you in a swing like planets
On heat
whenever
wherever I point my beam
Let her keep the gown & carriage on till ‘three
Let her peel back the trust of her prince
But darling, my dear, don't try your tricks on me
I drew the maps on you, So I know the passes and underway’s of getting in.

[KING COTTON]

this was pretty cool

[BlackHeartBook]

I like it especially the last two lines it's a very good metaphor

[The Indigo]

Interesting ideas here and there, but the mixed metaphors made it almost unreadable. You avoid cliches, for the most part, but there are some really cringe worthy moments ("or come out on top - of you"), some nonsensical images (hearts clapping? swinging like planets in heat? Images don't have to be possible, but they do have to, on some level, be possible to visualize, or else your reader just ends up confused and frustrated by what you're trying to say), and I believe the line about "a blanket that doesn't cover your toes" is stolen from Dead Poets Society. Stealing = wrong.

Also, I found it really adolescent. It's as if you only wrote the poem to see how many different ways you can symbolize genitalia. Isn't there something more interesting than the cliche, sexist, I-can-have-any-woman-I-want archetype?

[beau blood rush]

I am not familiar with what Dead Poets Society is,
so it isn't a steal but it's a fairly obvious line so it's probably been written before

also thunder 'claps' not hand 'claps'
I'm alluding the boys heart beat to thunder claps, not hand claps

lastly i'm not saying "swinging like planets in heat"
The line ends after "I got you in a swing, like planets"

I suppose the last points of your critique on this are to do with it's topic,
You've actually misinterpreted it, which is actually my fault though not yours

It's actually about the back and forth of control in a sexual relationship between a male and female.
I had hoped that writing the first half about the male losing control and the second about the female losing control,
would have gave it away.
Cheers for the critique man

[The Indigo]

I am not familiar with what Dead Poets Society is,
so it isn't a steal but it's a fairly obvious line so it's probably been written before
Which is why you should avoid writing it.

also thunder 'claps' not hand 'claps'
I'm alluding the boys heart beat to thunder claps, not hand claps
I know, but what I meant was that the visual doesn't make sense. The sense of thunder clapping comes from how bright of a sound it is. You're trying to create a metaphor through another metaphor which is just too complicated and muddled (this mistake is called a mixed metaphor).

lastly i'm not saying "swinging like planets in heat"
The line ends after "I got you in a swing, like planets"
Perhaps this is an Australian term but I'm really not familiar with how planets are in a swing.

I suppose the last points of your critique on this are to do with it's topic,
You've actually misinterpreted it, which is actually my fault though not yours

It's actually about the back and forth of control in a sexual relationship between a male and female.
I had hoped that writing the first half about the male losing control and the second about the female losing control,
would have gave it away.
Cheers for the critique man
Remember that there's no such thing as "misinterpreting." That assumes there's only one true meaning to any piece of literature and I don't know of any modern school of criticism that accepts this line of thinking.

I'm not being argumentative, but I'm just pointing out some areas you could really stand to improve upon. Remember that if you have to explain something, you probably could've written it more clearly. Again, you've clearly got a penchant for at least aiming for originality and avoiding cliche, which is more than can be said for a lot of the poems in the forum, but you've got a long way to go on improving your Three C's: Clarity, Coherence, and Cohesion.

[phil19]

i like this

[beau blood rush]

thanks phil, you're from aus too, hows it going?

and thanks for the crit infigo you're a great writer yourself so thanks for the heads up