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View Full Version : The Act of Killing an Innocent (as if they really are.)


LikeAnAvalanche
04/20/10, 06:19 AM
Be brutal with your feedback.



She proposes that there is no fate.
We respond with a logically based answer to the question that she posed to us.
So love, can you please just breathe for the sake of continuity?
Another fracture in my daily routine will leave me crippled.
In the sickest of scenes, I’ll be relieved from my powerful seat
on the highest of planes the ancients could see.

He will be ecstatic due to fancy charismatics,
yet she’ll be wearing masks to thick, to deep, for him to grasp.
Her head has always found stability above the ground.
The ground as in the line where the rest of us reside.

You’ll see one day when you owe the big pin thirty grand and topless show;
student loans and crumbled up dollar bills you received between your cleavage are insufficient to fill the void.
In fact, your hearts still intact you’ve just managed to silence its voice.

He will be ecstatic due to fancy charismatics,
yet she’ll be wearing masks to thick, to deep, for him to grasp.
Her head has always found stability above the ground.
The ground as in the line where the rest of us reside.

She proposes that there’s no destiny.
We respond with a logically based answer.
She proposes that we lack the sophistication to keep our thoughts in tact. We respond…

They set out with weaponry to terrorize the streets.
The first man they planned to kill had just taken his seat
amongst the many aging gents who’d handed them the guns.
Now the art of murder is portrayed through fathers’ blood.
As his brain surrenders to his angst his finger slips
and pulls the trigger of his .45. The bullet hits
a man with all the traits of one from stories they had told.
He was born with acid blood so metal, new or old,
dissolves to the electrons which composed its rigid form.
Bullets are no match for him once through his skin they’ve torn.
You see, I could never find myself nor save his fucking soul
for in his chest where once his heart lived was now a hole.
Yet as his bullets melted he heard a voice yell let go!
His heart began to beat again. He ran to raise the tempo.
“Ah I feel alive again!” He sighed with great relief.
The cops who trailed behind him spraying rain upon his feet
blared their scaring sirens scaring only those who watched,
as this man was packed so full with lead he was poisoned on the spot.
The point is that epiphany is grand and all…that’s fine.
Just have your revelation long before you’re out of time.

He will be ecstatic due to fancy charismatics,
yet she’ll be wearing masks to thick, to deep, for him to grasp.
Her head has always found stability above the ground.
The ground as in the line where the rest of us reside.

checkered.stars
04/21/10, 04:19 PM
She proposes that there is no fate.
We respond with a logically based answer to the question that she posed to us. "logically based answer" sounds awkward; "that she posed to us" is a little redundant
So love, can you please just breathe for the sake of continuity? This is one of my favorite lines
Another fracture in my daily routine will leave me crippled.
In the sickest of scenes, I’ll be relieved from my powerful seat
on the highest of planes the ancients could see.

He will be ecstatic due to fancy charismatics,
yet she’ll be wearing masks to thick, to deep, for him to grasp. I'm not sure if "grasp" is the right word, as it undermines the descriptions of thickness and deepness
Her head has always found stability above the ground,
the line where the rest of us reside.Changing the last line (like I did in red) would make it more concise and avoid repeating the word "ground"

You’ll see one day when you owe the big pin thirty grand and topless show;
student loans and crumbled up dollar bills you received between your cleavage are insufficient to fill the void.
In fact, your hearts still intact you’ve just managed to silence its voice.

He will be ecstatic due to fancy charismatics,
yet she’ll be wearing masks to thick, to deep, for him to grasp.
Her head has always found stability above the ground.
The ground as in the line where the rest of us reside.

She proposes that there’s no destiny.
We respond with a logically based answer.
She proposes that we lack the sophistication to keep our thoughts in tact. We respond…

They set out with weaponry to terrorize the streets.
The first man they planned to kill had just taken his seat
amongst the many aging gents who’d handed them the guns.
Now the art of murder is portrayed through fathers’ blood.
As his brain surrenders to his angst his finger slips
and pulls the trigger of his .45. The bullet hits
a man with all the traits of one from stories they had told.
He was born with acid blood so metal, new or old,
dissolves to the electrons which composed its rigid form.
Bullets are no match for him once through his skin they’ve torn.
You see, I could never find myself nor save his fucking soul The use of first person is odd here because this is being told by a "we"
for in his chest where once his heart lived was now a hole. "Where once his heart lived" is unnecessary
Yet as his bullets melted he heard a voice yell let go!
His heart began to beat again. He ran to raise the tempo.
“Ah I feel alive again!” He sighed with great relief.
The cops who trailed behind him spraying rain upon his feet
blared their scaring sirens scaring only those who watched,
as this man was packed so full with lead he was poisoned on the spot.
The point is that epiphany is grand and all…that’s fine.
Just have your revelation long before you’re out of time.

He will be ecstatic due to fancy charismatics,
yet she’ll be wearing masks to thick, to deep, for him to grasp.
Her head has always found stability above the ground.
The ground as in the line where the rest of us reside.

I liked this poem, especially the sixth stanza because it had good rhythm in some parts. However, the switching between voices is off putting and creates discontinuity, and there are some unnecessary phrases and words that clutter up the poem. It was very good though, and I loved the line about love.