Missing You, James

[BlackHeartBook]

Not to be a bother, but I need to know
When and where are we gonna go?
Where, my dear? Where?
Maybe to my party, or apartment
'Cause I sure want you there
Your skin under my nails
Leaving us moving in circles
Like dogs chasing each others' tails

Come on now, sweetheart
Don't leave me lost here
Where you say? Where?
From the lips on your face
Beneath your hair, my dear, your hair
And I'll wait for your reply for hours
For hours where you say? Where?
Up in the air, my sweet, up in the air
Where I'll tower and wait
For you to find me here
In your brain
In your thoughts
Have a beer to pass the pain
In my fridge there's lots

Where you ask? Where?
I'm neither broken record nor history
And refuse to repeat myself
So I'll just stare
For hours, dear
For hours
I'll stare, I'll stare
For days, dear
For days I'll stare
At your scintillating face
That made the sun so jealous
All it did was glare
As for me, for weeks, my sweet, I'll stare
I'll stare, I'll stare
Oh for years on end my dear

[DickfaceChillah]

Is this about date rape?

[BlackHeartBook]

I'm afraid not, my friend

[slamdown]

Wow, really really good. Or I think it is anyway, it's got a a certain beauty to it which really reaches out and graps the reader.

[BlackHeartBook]

thanks I really appreciate your saying so

[The Indigo]

Good use of internal rhyme throughout, although some of the rhymes were a bit too easy (stare/glare particularly). I see you're relying a lot on metaphor, and you have some good ones. My favorite couplet is "For hours I'll stare/At your beautiful face/That made the sun jealous." (Although try to find a more unique word for "beautiful"). It's a fresh way of saying things and is so much more effective than something like "your face is as bright as the sun." Good job. Line 6 of the first stanza is a cliche, as is line 2 of the second stanza. They're really jarring considering the level of the rest of the writing. I didn't like the repetition in the third stanza on first read, but I think I've come to accept it, although I wouldn't mind at all if you eased up on it a little bit. Like I said, you're relying heavily on metaphors here, but there is a whole arsenal of poetic devices at your disposal. Why not try and take advantage of some of them as well?

[BlackHeartBook]

Thanks that's really helpful and I think that's a good piece of advice I've only ever a few other poems using different devices so I think I'll try and experiment with them.

[The Indigo]

No problem. It's really solid. I liked it.

[BlackHeartBook]

Again thanks coming from you that means a lot