Twisted Fate

[aCe_]

Rendering fright
the masked shadow approaches
a dainty ankle flashes
her costume blinding the street
a dark, twisted smile
behind a silver-lined mask
swirling colors fuse
as her skirt ripples
fear permeates the air
its heady scent intoxicating
ink black strands
dance across her shoulders
a bark of a laugh
burst through her chaotic thoughts
sparkling red stilettos
come to an abrupt stop
angry eyes narrow
as she welcomes her twisted fate

[a speedo model]

i really like this. good job and keep it up.

[HereUntilDeath]

I agree. Very cool

[TheObserver]

this really is cool

[theMATEOlife]

i liked it. however, i feel "rendering fright" is a weak first line. I would swap that with the masked shadow line, change the "the" to an "a", making it "a masked shadow approaches". this would require reworking of the rendering fright line to somehow have more of an impact. the new line should fit right after "a masked shadow...".

the overall flow of the piece is very choppy, as i'm sure was it's intention. however, for me it makes it seem a little didactic, thus drawing it out. if you could get it to flow a little better that may help achieve your goals a little better as well. to do this, i would recommend lengthening or re-wording any of your 3-4 word lines, as those are the parts that really stick out as choppy.

i like the imagery and what you're trying to say. i just feel you could achieve alot more by rewording a few things. specifically the first line thing because that is what will grab a readers intention, and I think "rendering fright" is a) too simplistic and b) too vague and c) not forceful enough, to begin a work like this.

sorry for the diatribe, but i really did enjoy the piece!
-mateo