friend advice.

[xowearmeout]

My friend Lauren and I used to be close to inseperable. She has been in love with the same guy for about 4 years now. In the beginning, they were best friends and secretly in love with eachother. Then she started dating his best friend and eventually, he started dating, too, and they were both in relationships for over 2 years. She got out of hers before he did, and realized how she felt about him. This, causing problems in his relationship, and causing him and his girlfriend to break up. Now, just being all of this, I gave her shit for it. He really wasn't the nicest guy ever. She now hides their entire friendship/relationship from me, but back when I knew about it, he was an asshole. He treated her like a piece of shit 2/3 of the time, and she still stuck on it. Over the past 6 months or so, our friendship has gone completely downhill, basically because of him. I've been telling her forever, and putting my foot down about it, that she needs to let him go. It's not healthy for her, because he makes her sick to the point where she can't sleep, can't eat, can't move. She cries all of the time, and I see it, and it's all because of him. She recently told me about a falling out with his ex-girlfriend where she IMed Lauren and said a bunch of "personal stuff" that the guy told her about Lauren. That was all of the information I got. So when I had the chance, I looked through Lauren's sidekick because I knew she saved conversations and I read that one. Lauren had sex with this guy over the summer, and I was completely blind to it. Well, actually, I wasn't. For some reason, I have the gift of knowing everything. Not to sound like a smart-ass, but I always know about relationships and shit like that between people before they even say anything. Over the summer and even recently, I've asked Lauren if they did anything, even just hook up, and she always said no. For her to not tell me this, it kills me. I kind of put it out there that I know, but I don't know what to do. It hurts me so bad that our friendship has come to this, where she can't even tell me things like this. I don't know what to do. Everytime I want to hang out with her, all I do is think about how she's lying to me and keeping things from me.

What would you do?

[boysdontcry17]

if she wants to be friends/date this guy you should let her
its ok to advice, its not ok to run her life

[xowearmeout]

if she wants to be friends/date this guy you should let her
its ok to advice, its not ok to run her life

I know that. But he fucks with her head, and fucks her, all summer, and now he's back with his ex-girlfriend and is telling Lauren that "he doesn't care about her" and "he doesn't want her to talk to him anymore". Yet, in 2 months, he'll be back ruining her life again.

Not to mention, telling the ex personal things about Lauren. Come on now.. I mean, I've backed off completely with trying to tell her how to handle the situations, because she doesn't listen, but it's just killing me. I'm the girl in a group of friends that is always giving advice to everyone, always helping anyone and everyone out, and to be giving Lauren all of the answers just to see them go right over her head, when everything can be prevented if she just listens to the way that I advise her, it hurts..

[boysdontcry17]

that may be the case
but it doesnt give you the right to control whether she sees him or not
i think your duty is to give the best advice you can and let her learn on her own

[xowearmeout]

that may be the case
but it doesnt give you the right to control whether she sees him or not
i think your duty is to give the best advice you can and let her learn on her own

Yes, right. I have done that already.

I basically wrote this to see if I should bring up her lying to me.

[boysdontcry17]

she'll come around

im sorta datin my best friend's girlfriend's best friend
things are sketchy to say the least
that and she's never dated anyone ever (think sheltered virgin)

[xowearmeout]

she'll come around

im sorta datin my best friend's girlfriend's best friend
things are sketchy to say the least
that and she's never dated anyone ever (think sheltered virgin)

she won't come around. i've lost her..


well at least you can mold her into being the perfect girlfriend since she's never dated before.

[swirlofhues]

hah, this has happened to me, except the guy was really, really fucked up. to tell you the truth, we never really fixed it. as long as she has a will to be with the guy, we couldn't do a thing. we even tried to call the cops on him once and they said we couldn't report anything unless she would do it. obviously she wouldn't.

you can sit her down
you could trap her in a room with you

whatever you have to say, she'll either take it two ways:
1) listenand stop hurting herself
2) disregard everything you have to say


i always wanted to tell my friend that it was either me or him, but i know that she was already hiding shit from us. no matter how we tried to constrict him from her, she found a way to contact him. we tried to stop him, we even talked to him, but of course he didn't do a thing. i guess you could just do what we did.. wait until she finds someone else. a pretty bad idea and experience, but she never listened to us.

[xowearmeout]

hah, this has happened to me, except the guy was really, really fucked up. to tell you the truth, we never really fixed it. as long as she has a will to be with the guy, we couldn't do a thing. we even tried to call the cops on him once and they said we couldn't report anything unless she would do it. obviously she wouldn't.

you can sit her down
you could trap her in a room with you

whatever you have to say, she'll either take it two ways:
1) listenand stop hurting herself
2) disregard everything you have to say


i always wanted to tell my friend that it was either me or him, but i know that she was already hiding shit from us. no matter how we tried to constrict him from her, she found a way to contact him. we tried to stop him, we even talked to him, but of course he didn't do a thing. i guess you could just do what we did.. wait until she finds someone else. a pretty bad idea and experience, but she never listened to us.

she's not going to listen to me, either. :-\

[swirlofhues]

she's not going to listen to me, either. :-\

the guy was ruining her life, and i told her that a lot of times. she agreed, yet she's still trying to be friends with him. it bothers me to death.

[FondestMemory]

i tend to let relationships die with nosey fucks who want to tell me how to live my life.

not to be a dick, but mind you're own fucking business. going through her sidekick to read a conversation? that's pretty shitty. and yet you wanna be pissed that she 'lied' to you by not telling you something? i don't care how good of friends i have, there's always things in my life they don't need to know.

so call her out on 'lying' to you, and if she's smart she'll ditch your ass for sneaking around.

it's up to her who she dates. even if you think it's killing her. a good friend will make sure their friend knows that you're there for them if they ever need it, whether you approve of it or not.

clearly she's going through some rough shit right now, but you're too selfish to be there for her and are more concerned about what that's doing to you and your friendship, instead of being worried about what it's doing to her without feeling the need to tell her what to do.

based on what you've said, it's probably safe to say that you're not making anything easier on her. try being unselfish and give being supportive a try. you'll be amazed how that actually helps any friendship.

[swirlofhues]

i tend to let relationships die with nosey fucks who want to tell me how to live my life.

not to be a dick, but mind you're own fucking business. going through her sidekick to read a conversation? that's pretty shitty. and yet you wanna be pissed that she 'lied' to you by not telling you something? i don't care how good of friends i have, there's always things in my life they don't need to know.

so call her out on 'lying' to you, and if she's smart she'll ditch your ass for sneaking around.

it's up to her who she dates. even if you think it's killing her. a good friend will make sure their friend knows that you're there for them if they ever need it, whether you approve of it or not.

clearly she's going through some rough shit right now, but you're too selfish to be there for her and are more concerned about what that's doing to you and your friendship, instead of being worried about what it's doing to her without feeling the need to tell her what to do.

based on what you've said, it's probably safe to say that you're not making anything easier on her. try being unselfish and give being supportive a try. you'll be amazed how that actually helps any friendship.

a good friend is supportive, but he or she would NEVER be supportive of a relationship that puts their friend's happiness on the line. they would never sit back and let them hurt themselves. you could say that this was just an experience that she had to go through, but if someone makes the same mistake more than once.. then obviously they're not getting it and they need friend intervention. what kind of friend are you? sitting back. fucking bullshit.

[xowearmeout]

the guy was ruining her life, and i told her that a lot of times. she agreed, yet she's still trying to be friends with him. it bothers me to death.

GOD. i'm in the same situation. :( and we used to be inseperable, but now she doesn't tell me anything anymore.

[xowearmeout]

i tend to let relationships die with nosey fucks who want to tell me how to live my life.

not to be a dick, but mind you're own fucking business. going through her sidekick to read a conversation? that's pretty shitty. and yet you wanna be pissed that she 'lied' to you by not telling you something? i don't care how good of friends i have, there's always things in my life they don't need to know.

so call her out on 'lying' to you, and if she's smart she'll ditch your ass for sneaking around.

it's up to her who she dates. even if you think it's killing her. a good friend will make sure their friend knows that you're there for them if they ever need it, whether you approve of it or not.

clearly she's going through some rough shit right now, but you're too selfish to be there for her and are more concerned about what that's doing to you and your friendship, instead of being worried about what it's doing to her without feeling the need to tell her what to do.

based on what you've said, it's probably safe to say that you're not making anything easier on her. try being unselfish and give being supportive a try. you'll be amazed how that actually helps any friendship.

I've been dealing with this for 4 years. I tried the supportive, but when I see one of my best friends crying herself to sleep every night for hours on end, it seems I need to step in. Obviously, it's going to bother me that she's keeping something from me just because she knows that I'll advise her on it, what am I supposed to do? This is all her life revolves around, how can I be a part of her life and help her out and be a good friend if she's not allowing me to be?

[xowearmeout]

a good friend is supportive, but he or she would NEVER be supportive of a relationship that puts their friend's happiness on the line. they would never sit back and let them hurt themselves. you could say that this was just an experience that she had to go through, but if someone makes the same mistake more than once.. then obviously they're not getting it and they need friend intervention. what kind of friend are you? sitting back. fucking bullshit.

i agree.

[FondestMemory]

a good friend is supportive, but he or she would NEVER be supportive of a relationship that puts their friend's happiness on the line. they would never sit back and let them hurt themselves. you could say that this was just an experience that she had to go through, but if someone makes the same mistake more than once.. then obviously they're not getting it and they need friend intervention. what kind of friend are you? sitting back. fucking bullshit.

a good friend is there if their friend needs them. they may let them know that they don't approve of the relationship, but then trust that their friend is smart enough to do what's best for themselves.

telling a friend who and who not to date is pretty shitty. there's a difference between mentioning that you don't like who they're dating and just making sure they know that and between constantly trying to control their personal life by telling them what's best for you.

the point is, if these relationships are as bad as they're made out to be, chances are that's already putting a huge strain on your friend. whenever they're with you it would probably be more helpful to be an escape and have fun and be friend like instead of being an extra burdon by trying to tell them what they 'need' to do.

i'm a friend who lives my life and let's my friends live their's. the day any of my friends try telling me what to do the friendship is over. there's a difference between giving advice and pressing the issue.

and i swear to god, if anybody in my life ever said 'it's me or them,' they're out of my life quicker than they can finish that sentence. that's the most selfish thing you can say to anybody.

[swirlofhues]

a good friend is there if their friend needs them. they may let them know that they don't approve of the relationship, but then trust that their friend is smart enough to do what's best for themselves.

telling a friend who and who not to date is pretty shitty. there's a difference between mentioning that you don't like who they're dating and just making sure they know that and between constantly trying to control their personal life by telling them what's best for you.

the point is, if these relationships are as bad as they're made out to be, chances are that's already putting a huge strain on your friend. whenever they're with you it would probably be more helpful to be an escape and have fun and be friend like instead of being an extra burdon by trying to tell them what they 'need' to do.

i'm a friend who lives my life and let's my friends live their's. the day any of my friends try telling me what to do the friendship is over. there's a difference between giving advice and pressing the issue.

and i swear to god, if anybody in my life ever said 'it's me or them,' they're out of my life quicker than they can finish that sentence. that's the most selfish thing you can say to anybody.

no, no one here is saying "you HAVE to do this for yourself". as a friend, you're supposed to see and tell them all the things they might not be able to see since they're blinded by a bad relationship. you're accusing this girl of making decisions for her friend, yet no one is living their life through their friend's; my friends are not my puppet.

like i said, if your friends have the will, then they'll do whatever it takes to get it. but i would never, ever try to be supportive of it again if i knew that it'll end up badly. for example, if i know the relationship is abusive, whether verbally or physically, i will do whatever it takes to make sure my friend does not have to go through that. i don't care if she'll hate me, i won't let her stand for it.


and yes, it's selfish to make her pick me or her boyfriend. but what if it boils down to that case, where you're so desperate for her to stop hurting herself that you're willing to look like a complete jackass. it's not even about thinking you know what's best for her, it's just trying to stop the pain that keeps piling up for her.

[boysdontcry17]

i tend to let relationships die with nosey fucks who want to tell me how to live my life.

not to be a dick, but mind you're own fucking business. going through her sidekick to read a conversation? that's pretty shitty. and yet you wanna be pissed that she 'lied' to you by not telling you something? i don't care how good of friends i have, there's always things in my life they don't need to know.

so call her out on 'lying' to you, and if she's smart she'll ditch your ass for sneaking around.

it's up to her who she dates. even if you think it's killing her. a good friend will make sure their friend knows that you're there for them if they ever need it, whether you approve of it or not.

clearly she's going through some rough shit right now, but you're too selfish to be there for her and are more concerned about what that's doing to you and your friendship, instead of being worried about what it's doing to her without feeling the need to tell her what to do.

based on what you've said, it's probably safe to say that you're not making anything easier on her. try being unselfish and give being supportive a try. you'll be amazed how that actually helps any friendship.

thank you
you're a wise man

[lostntheseethru]

Yes, right. I have done that already.

I basically wrote this to see if I should bring up her lying to me.

riight but if you werent always on her about him treating her bad do you think she stop lying to her? listen i am the number one worst person to ever give relationship advice. i lost who i thought was my best friend about 8 months ago do to lots of lying and decievement against me. trust me on this one. let her do what she wants. if she doesnt wanna tell you what shes doing with him, then she doesnt have to tell you. maybe shes afraid of the critism you'll give her. or maybe shes afraid you'll think badly of her for staying "with" him. you just gotta let her live her life

[xowearmeout]

riight but if you werent always on her about him treating her bad do you think she stop lying to her? listen i am the number one worst person to ever give relationship advice. i lost who i thought was my best friend about 8 months ago do to lots of lying and decievement against me. trust me on this one. let her do what she wants. if she doesnt wanna tell you what shes doing with him, then she doesnt have to tell you. maybe shes afraid of the critism you'll give her. or maybe shes afraid you'll think badly of her for staying "with" him. you just gotta let her live her life

yeah, i'm going to.

that just seems to be what is best.