August

[ArTkY_]

I had good meter in the chorus! Yay. This was intended to be a love song originally, but then I remembered all of August. Contrary to popular belief, its not a heartbreak song... its a moving on to better things song. So in essence its a love song... lol.

The sun traces the path our fathers took
across the sky, but I wish it could just stay
in place so this moment could last forever

Like the phoenix,
from every ending rises a new beginning
With practice comes better,
but soon everything becomes harder
but we'll figure it out, figure it out
exactly who needs me?
I think its what I need that counts.
If I'm lying to you, I'm lying to myself

Its like I didn't even know what I loved
But I know what I have
Possesive pronouns: my life in retrospect
Its time to move forward and
it looks good on the horizon
But I'm the one who's failed
Time and time again
And The Artist in the Ambulance can't say enough

The sun traces the path our fathers took
across the sky, but I wish it could just stay
in place so this moment could last forever

If I could prove to you that I've changed
I would, but honestly, lets try this again

Believe me, you were always there
in the back of my mind, owning my thoughts
The months before were bittersweet
But now you're right there with me
We've done in months what they took years to do

The sun traces the path our fathers took
across the sky, but I wish it could just stay
in place so this moment could last forever

Your voice will haunt my dreams for weeks
and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Fin.

I like it. Especially the chorus, last verse, and ending.

[Boring Pop Song]

wow, man... this is really really really really great work. you've just been getting better and better. and even though i haven't been posting much in the poetry forums, i still always read your work.

keep em coming man

[a speedo model]

yeah, this is excellent. beautiful imagery, really great. this may just be my favorite..

[ArTkY_]

wow, man... this is really really really really great work. you've just been getting better and better. and even though i haven't been posting much in the poetry forums, i still always read your work.

keep em coming man
yeah, this is excellent. beautiful imagery, really great. this may just be my favorite..
Thank you guys sooo much. This one means a lot to me.

I made a slight edit... it was supposed to be "And The Artist in the Ambulance can't say enough" instead of "doesn't say enough." I do believe that was the oddest typo in the world.

[OveriseFan]

And The Artist in the Ambulance can't say enough

Psh, making allusions to bands is my game.

This sucks.

(Actually, I have homework and I read that line and needed to comment, but I haven't formed much of an opinion on it yet but I will tonight. *Breathe* bye.)

[ArTkY_]

And The Artist in the Ambulance can't say enough

Psh, making allusions to bands is my game.

This sucks.

(Actually, I have homework and I read that line and needed to comment, but I haven't formed much of an opinion on it yet but I will tonight. *Breathe* bye.)
I love you, hahahaha.

And yes, I took a note out of your book for that line. I should thank you when I record this album and get huge.

[OveriseFan]

I had good meter in the chorus! Yay. This was intended to be a love song originally, but then I remembered all of August. Contrary to popular belief, its not a heartbreak song... its a moving on to better things song. So in essence its a love song... lol.

The sun traces the path our fathers took
across the sky, but I wish it could just stay
in place so this moment could last forever

Cheesy, I hate the whole 'the path our fathers took' that has been developing as of late. Maybe it'll help tie the second half of the album together though(I hate when the first halves of albums rule and the last halves suck.)

Like the phoenix,
from every ending rises a new beginning
With practice comes better,
but soon everything becomes harder
but we'll figure it out, figure it out
exactly who needs me?
I think its what I need that counts.
If I'm lying to you, I'm lying to myself

I love this. The Phoenix/Mythology allusions, yet the explanation as well. Perfect. The ending is amazing.

Its like I didn't even know what I loved
But I know what I have
Possesive pronous: my life in retrospect
Its time to move forward and
it looks good on the horizon
But I'm the one who's failed
Time and time again
And The Artist in the Ambulance can't say enough

I spent so much time trying to figure out what a pronous was... I thought it was another mythological reference. Pronus. I'm using that. This is all right. Feels similar to something I've read by you before though. February? July? March? I dunno...

I hate love that you ripped me off. :)

The sun traces the path our fathers took
across the sky, but I wish it could just stay
in place so this moment could last forever

Oh, repitition?

If I could prove to you that I've changed
I would, but honestly, lets try this again

Oh, repitition?

Believe me, you were always there
in the back of my mind, owning my thoughts
The months before were bittersweet
But now you're right there with me
We've done in months what they took years to do

Excellent.

The sun traces the path our fathers took
across the sky, but I wish it could just stay
in place so this moment could last forever

Your voice will haunt my dreams for weeks
and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I know that from somewhere. Or something similar. But I like it.

This is a love song, you liar.

Fin.

I like it. Especially the chorus, last verse, and ending.

You suck.

[ArTkY_]

You suck.
Thank you sir. Haha.

I'm going to work on the chorus for the finall version of the album. FYI, all you people. None of these songs are 100% except for a few.

[OveriseFan]

Thank you sir. Haha.

I'm going to work on the chorus for the finall version of the album. FYI, all you people. None of these songs are 100% except for a few.

LIKE FEBRUARY!

Except...

I want you to re-write it and make an allusion to my birthday.

Very slight. Just replace a line with a similar one only to me, the 17th, or Presidents Day.

Thanks.

<3

James

[ArTkY_]

LIKE FEBRUARY!

Except...

I want you to re-write it and make an allusion to my birthday.

Very slight. Just replace a line with a similar one only to me, the 17th, or Presidents Day.

Thanks.

<3

James
hahaha

Will do, my friend.

[Anton Djamoos]

This is good. Tariq, you've blossomed into quite the writer since registering here. Your growth is incredible.

[ArTkY_]

This is good. Tariq, you've blossomed into quite the writer since registering here. Your growth is incredible.
Oh gee. Thanks, it means a lot.

BTW, I'm still waiting for that autograph.

[parallelism]

Nice man, I really enjoyed this.
You really are getting a lot better.

[OveriseFan]

...but you still suck.

:lol:

[parallelism]

...but you still suck.

:lol:

Hahahahaha.

[ArTkY_]

Hahahahaha.
...but you still suck.

:lol:
hahaha, you're all such nice people. :)
Nice man, I really enjoyed this.
You really are getting a lot better.
Thanks. :D

[iHATEapril]

Second verse is weak, at times you seem to be more dialogue prone in this song, which is okay, but I think the flow is kind of weird. I really like the chorus.

[ArTkY_]

Second verse is weak, at times you seem to be more dialogue prone in this song, which is okay, but I think the flow is kind of weird. I really like the chorus.
Thanks for your input, love of my life.

[iHATEapril]

Thanks for your input, love of my life.

Your welcome, it's a nice peice.