forever is a seven letter word.

[Boring Pop Song]

this is a song, so it's not as much like poetry.
let me know what you think.



the ships in the harbor
but it's dirty with blood
from all of the soldiers not making it home
and on the horizon, lies a weightless sun
getting impatient, asking us to go home

but we said... "this is where we belong"

this is where we belong:
protecting our freedom
protecting forever

but what is forever but seven letters
someone put together to make us feel better?

we feel so much better.

and i know i'm not the greatest artist
but i can draw you some conclusions
about everything that you're doing
and all about the lives your ruining

this book of matches isn't one that i can read
but with it, if i wanted to, i could burn down the local library
and all of the smoke would rise into the air we breathe

and maybe just this once... we all could learn a little something.

[ArTkY_]

Shit this is damn good.

but what is forever but seven letters
someone put together to make us feel better?

Fuck you, Thom. I wish I had thought of that.

[Boring Pop Song]

Shit this is damn good.

but what is forever but seven letters
someone put together to make us feel better?

Fuck you, Thom. I wish I had thought of that.

thank you so much man, it means a lot coming from you cause you're a great writer.

i'm gonna post the song soon, it's not totally finished yet recording wise

[a speedo model]

fucking great. seriously, fucking great.

:appl:

[ArTkY_]

thank you so much man, it means a lot coming from you cause you're a great writer.

i'm gonna post the song soon, it's not totally finished yet recording wise
No problem, and thanks. But seriously, this might be one of the best things anyone's ever done on this site.

I totally look forward to it.

[Boring Pop Song]

fucking great. seriously, fucking great.

:appl:

thank you so much

[a speedo model]

thank you so much
i agree with Tariq, this is one of the best things to be posted on this site. it's excellent.

[Boring Pop Song]

the song is much better than the poem, but thank you. i can't wait until i get my new album recorded

[a speedo model]

the song is much better than the poem, but thank you. i can't wait until i get my new album recorded
i wish i had recording equipment.

[Boring Pop Song]

i wish i had recording equipment.

i work in an 80,000 dollar protools studio:D

[crit]

this is really awesome. well done.

[Boring Pop Song]

this is really awesome. well done.


thank you so much, man.

how've you been?

[parallelism]

Yeah, for real, the lines that the title was derived from (I'm guessing that it was, at least) are brilliant.
Excellent job on this.

[CT-Tim]

I agree that the "forever" part is quite clever. I would have worded the second line differently to create better flow ("someone put together" seems to not do justice to the rest).

The rest of the song I'd really just discard and try again.

I think the artist / draw conclusions line is pretty decent as well, I'm just not sure all the pieces of the song fit.

The "book" of matches allusion should be kept as an allusion. You explained away the greatness of that metaphor. I think a lot of people are guilty of doing that. I'm glad you didn't do that for the "forever" part. This matchbook part could be great too, it just needs to be redone.

I wouldn't go so far as to call it the greatest thing I've ever read here, but you've definitely got the goods to produce some great songs up in that brain, you just need to refine the talent into making cohesive songs instead of just REALLY great small parts.

[Boring Pop Song]

I agree that the "forever" part is quite clever. I would have worded the second line differently to create better flow ("someone put together" seems to not do justice to the rest).

The rest of the song I'd really just discard and try again.

I think the artist / draw conclusions line is pretty decent as well, I'm just not sure all the pieces of the song fit.

The "book" of matches allusion should be kept as an allusion. You explained away the greatness of that metaphor. I think a lot of people are guilty of doing that. I'm glad you didn't do that for the "forever" part. This matchbook part could be great too, it just needs to be redone.

I wouldn't go so far as to call it the greatest thing I've ever read here, but you've definitely got the goods to produce some great songs up in that brain, you just need to refine the talent into making cohesive songs instead of just REALLY great small parts.

thanks for reading

i think it's really hard to present a song in this form, which is why i expect this kind of criticism... which is why i don't post often. it fits the song perfectly the way it's done... if i changed it, it wouldn't flow. you'll understand if/when you hear it. i mean i write poetry a lot different than i write song lyrics, but i don't quite know how to explain that.

[Boring Pop Song]

and the song is all about war... and that it's obvious what the president/military is doing wrong. it's basically a subtle protest song. that's where the drawing conclusions part comes in, and the part about the "book of matches".

[a speedo model]

i work in an 80,000 dollar protools studio:D
:O no fair.

[thecurerocks182]

and the song is all about war... and that it's obvious what the president/military is doing wrong. it's basically a subtle protest song. that's where the drawing conclusions part comes in, and the part about the "book of matches".
don't be so condescending, i think it's pretty apparent that it is in regards to war. Now, with that said, you have clever lines, but i think you can make this a lot stronger. good luck

[Boring Pop Song]

don't be so condescending, i think it's pretty apparent that it is in regards to war. Now, with that said, you have clever lines, but i think you can make this a lot stronger. good luck

yeah definitely there's always ways to improve things, and thanks for reading.

i just figured he thought that the last couple of stanzas were just about something completely different and i wanted to explain that they had a purpose and they weren't just rambling.

[lfdfforever]

this is really really awesome

[Boring Pop Song]

this is really really awesome

you're really really awesome

[unwritten]

http://hitmanzaroou.tripod.com/img9.gif

[ImpulZe]

THIS IS ABSOLUTLY AMAZING!!!

Great job thom

[Boring Pop Song]

http://hitmanzaroou.tripod.com/img9.gif


haha i love you dan

[Boring Pop Song]

THIS IS ABSOLUTLY AMAZING!!!

Great job thom

thanks a lot for taking the time to read man


i don't think it's amazing, myself, but i thought i had some neat ideas. sometimes i find myself having better ideas than presentation

[Boring Pop Song]

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/FORTHECLOCKTOWER

to hear a demo version of this song

[TalentShow88']

I really like your song(s).
really really do.

[Boring Pop Song]

thank you so much, man. it means a lot

[thecurerocks182]

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/FORTHECLOCKTOWER (http://WWW.MYSPACE.COM/FORTHECLOCKTOWER)

to hear a demo version of this song
i really like it...my only complaint is that it seems to drag a little like i'm waiting for the climax to happen, it does happen but i think it was too short and too far into the song...i think you should take out the matches part bc the rest of the song flows much better than it and perhaps extend the climax...anyways, thats just one opinion. I think it's great and so is your recording and vocals, and with that said what did you use to record? Check out my demo's in my signature..maybe you'll like them. The recordings arent nearly as great as yours nor are the vocals, but i love input...keep it up

[TalentShow88']

and the song is all about war... and that it's obvious what the president/military is doing wrong. it's basically a subtle protest song. that's where the drawing conclusions part comes in, and the part about the "book of matches".

I really dig the song. I lost a school mate to the war a few weeks ago, your song made me think positivly about the tragedy.

and.. I understand what u mean about writting poetry differently than songs.. The best way i could explain for me the song writting takes more thought and each line is planned out better. Poetry is more free-form. Idk, great job keep up the recording!

[Boring Pop Song]

I really dig the song. I lost a school mate to the war a few weeks ago, your song made me think positivly about the tragedy.

and.. I understand what u mean about writting poetry differently than songs.. The best way i could explain for me the song writting takes more thought and each line is planned out better. Poetry is more free-form. Idk, great job keep up the recording!


i'm sorry to hear about your loss... it's always scaring have family or someone you know in the military. but i'm really glad my song did something for you, and that you even listened. i'm flattered when anyone even listens to it.

[Boring Pop Song]

i really like it...my only complaint is that it seems to drag a little like i'm waiting for the climax to happen, it does happen but i think it was too short and too far into the song...i think you should take out the matches part bc the rest of the song flows much better than it and perhaps extend the climax...anyways, thats just one opinion. I think it's great and so is your recording and vocals, and with that said what did you use to record? Check out my demo's in my signature..maybe you'll like them. The recordings arent nearly as great as yours nor are the vocals, but i love input...keep it up

i think the songs sound unique. i like the electronics, reminds me of like Kid A era Radiohead. i think maybe work on tightening up vocals a little more. i think the style your going for could work, but a lot of times you are just out of tune and it's hard to make that work. work with matching pitch a little better and it will sound great

[Boring Pop Song]

but yeah, i realize exactly what you're talking about... a lot of it's the lack of extra instrumentation. it sounds a lot better when everything's together... i just haven't found the time to do the proper recording with everyone yet.

[Boring Pop Song]

there's a violin player, a snare drum, huge concert bass, concert crash cymbals, and trumpet waiting to be recorded

[One by One]

It's good. You've got a good voice for the kind of music you're playing.

[Boring Pop Song]

thanks a lot, bro

[Boring Pop Song]

i took it down... i realize i'm not happy with it. i didn't record it like i've been playing it live. i usually go up the octave during the second verse. i'm gonna redo that

[thecurerocks182]

i think the songs sound unique. i like the electronics, reminds me of like Kid A era Radiohead. i think maybe work on tightening up vocals a little more. i think the style your going for could work, but a lot of times you are just out of tune and it's hard to make that work. work with matching pitch a little better and it will sound great
thanks a lot man...i just figured i'd ask you but never thought you'd actually take the time to listen to it. With that said i know my vocals aren't the greatest, something i tell people a lot when they listen, but its more temporarily in order to get my music out there. Anyways, keep it up with the recording and keep in mind that my comment was just something i thought you could improve upon... lastly, when you post the final version, be sure to tell me for i am interested in the addition of other instruments.