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parallelism
10/02/06, 09:51 PM
Sorry about this; this isn't a lyrical post.
It's pretty much just a prose about a dream that I had.

When I woke up, I wrote it down and sort of realized that, at least for me, it had some symbolic qualites to it that I could make parallels with to my life. Hopefully it does something for you. I would appreciate any feedback or anything.

Again, I'm sorry that these aren't lyrics or poetry; I just was going through some old stuff of mine and found these, didn't know where to post them. Thanks!






...I...



I walked through the darkest parts of the city, lingering with the
cold rain.

My clumsy feet delivered me past subway entrances, past flashing
store windows. Lights and television screens displayed planes of
repeating images, contradicting themselves; alternating like the
patterns on a checkerboard. People went in, and people came out.

I saw so many hurried people. Some wore long coats, some carried
umbrellas. With their fortresses designed to cloak themselves from
the rain, they walked hastily in single-file lines. I can still picture them
constantly walking, running, moving; like living, breathing rays that
travel on and on, parallel to the streets.

The streets; they were wet. A thin sheet of water spread itself about
the pavement, disregarding the grooves underneath. Water rode up the
edges of the sidewalks, dove down into the gutters, splashed under
car tires, and painted itself everywhere.

I stopped for a moment to observe the city, the people, the cars; they
wouldn't stop for me. I stopped just long enough to realize the way I had
been riding up the sidewalks, with my vision diving down into gutters,
splashing under car tires, painting itself onto everything.

At this realization, I quickly proceeded to closing my eyes.

And, in that moment, I felt just like the rain.




...II...




Under my eyelids, I began to notice a faint, glowing red. Warmth hit my
face and body from the left side. I felt dry. My hands and fingers, no longer
cramped and cold, slipped themselves from their pockets. The right side of
my body was still damp when I noticed my shoe sticking to the sidewalk.

This prompted me to look.

I opened my eyes to a radiant, green sky; an algae-infested ocean
suspended in mid air. Buildings, in the midst of floating tables and chairs,
hung upside down from the peaks of its soft waves. Marine life swam
around me. The sun was extremely bright; a deep, white-hot hole that I
was about to fall into. I couldn't help but stare, desperately trying to see
down to the bottom of wherever it would lead me. It burned my eyes, but
I didn't care.

I just stood there staring, and for the first time, I smiled.

Boring Pop Song
10/02/06, 09:58 PM
this is pretty amazing, actually. the imagery is absolutely stunning.

personally, i wouldn't change a thing about it. if i HAD to be critical i'd say some of your word choices like "the water rode up the edges of the sidewalks"

i would've maybe used a different word... but really it doesn't matter cause it's stunning.

parallelism
10/02/06, 10:04 PM
this is pretty amazing, actually. the imagery is absolutely stunning.

personally, i wouldn't change a thing about it. if i HAD to be critical i'd say some of your word choices like "the water rode up the edges of the sidewalks"

i would've maybe used a different word... but really it doesn't matter cause it's stunning.

Thanks a lot dude.
I completely agree with the word choice thing; that's usually a second-edit thing for me.

I could definately change a few things.

However also, when I was writing this, I kind of wanted to keep it simple in some parts. As much as I want to make it really extravagant and fill it with sensory imagery, the part about walking in the city seemed really ordinary when I dreamt it up, and I kind of wanted to tell it that way.

I do think that I will for sure change some words here and there, though.
Thanks a lot for the critique, as it is always much appreciated.

ky19
10/03/06, 02:37 PM
I really enjoyed reading that. And I agree, the imagery is amazing. Good job.

parallelism
10/03/06, 03:46 PM
I really enjoyed reading that. And I agree, the imagery is amazing. Good job.

Thank you immensely.

lostfear
10/03/06, 03:57 PM
your one of the best writers here.

god damn I'm envious

a speedo model
10/03/06, 04:15 PM
absolutely beautiful. great work, man. you really do have amazing talent.

OveriseFan
10/03/06, 04:23 PM
Oh God...

You divided it into two parts with Roman Numerals...

Get out of your artsy kid's get up, please, because you do have talent, but right now you seem constricted to what you see as 'art'. I want to see you experiment with something totally new. Write a nursery rhyme or something.

I will say, however, that this is spectacular writing. It just seems so... typical. You know? Not unoriginal, not cliche, just something I think I could find at any Creative Writing course in a college...

I want to see you write something totally crazy for you. Hell, maybe even write something about love. haha. It's not a forbidden subject. I hate people that think it is.

And for the record: I actually do have a few things similar to something like this, not everything I write is like what I've written recently. I'd dig up my best work, but I hate anything that's over a month old.

parallelism
10/03/06, 05:31 PM
your one of the best writers here.

god damn I'm envious

Thank you so much.

absolutely beautiful. great work, man. you really do have amazing talent.

You too, really.

Oh God...

You divided it into two parts with Roman Numerals...

Get out of your artsy kid's get up, please, because you do have talent, but right now you seem constricted to what you see as 'art'. I want to see you experiment with something totally new. Write a nursery rhyme or something.

I will say, however, that this is spectacular writing. It just seems so... typical. You know? Not unoriginal, not cliche, just something I think I could find at any Creative Writing course in a college...

I want to see you write something totally crazy for you. Hell, maybe even write something about love. haha. It's not a forbidden subject. I hate people that think it is.

And for the record: I actually do have a few things similar to something like this, not everything I write is like what I've written recently. I'd dig up my best work, but I hate anything that's over a month old.

And you too.

I really appreciate that you took the time to read it.

I can definately see why you would think I was trying to be artsy by separating the two parts with roman numerals, but really, that isn't the case at all. When I woke up, I wrote each section to a track on an album. I just separated the two parts where the songs broke off, because I didn't continue writing the second section until I was onto the second song.

If you're curious at all, the album was Come On Die Young by Mogwai. The numerals were to indicated that the reader shouldn't read on to part two until the second track began. I just left out the part about the music because I didn't think it would be relevant in this forum, and then I forgot to take the numerals out.

I really wasn't trying to label it as anything more artistic that it really is; it was a dream that I had, and I wrote out as literally as I possibly could without it seeming like an actual journal entry.

Thanks for the feedback though, and I'll definately try to keep all of what you said in mind. I actually used to write about love a lot, it's just that there are certain things that have been preoccupying my mind lately. But who knows; maybe expect a love poem sometime soon.

OveriseFan
10/03/06, 05:41 PM
Thank you so much.



You too, really.



And you too.

I really appreciate that you took the time to read it.

I can definately see why you would think I was trying to be artsy by separating the two parts with roman numerals, but really, that isn't the case at all. When I woke up, I wrote each section to a track on an album. I just separated the two parts where the songs broke off, because I didn't continue writing the second section until I was onto the second song.

If you're curious at all, the album was Come On Die Young by Mogwai. The numerals were to indicated that the reader shouldn't read on to part two until the second track began. I just left out the part about the music because I didn't think it would be relevant in this forum, and then I forgot to take the numerals out.

I really wasn't trying to label it as anything more artistic that it really is; it was a dream that I had, and I wrote out as literally as I possibly could without it seeming like an actual journal entry.

Thanks for the feedback though, and I'll definately try to keep all of what you said in mind. I actually used to write about love a lot, it's just that there are certain things that have been preoccupying my mind lately. But who knows; maybe expect a love poem sometime soon.

Hm, interesting.

Definately let us in on little facts like that as long as it's not part of the meaning or whatever.

I definately look forward to it. You've got (a little) talent. hahaha.

parallelism
10/03/06, 05:44 PM
Hm, interesting.

Definately let us in on little facts like that as long as it's not part of the meaning or whatever.

I definately look forward to it. You've got (a little) talent. hahaha.

Ah, yeah, my bad haha.

And I guess we'll see, haha, because usually I don't. So maybe this was just a weird, completely improbable incident.