twenty-three

[swirlofhues]

My scarlet-red dressed teacher, in her
relentless drive for complacency,
chain smokes chalk on the sidewalk.
Her tongue traces the shadow of dust and
she feels like old news, spent and tall-tale stories
that pile onto her mind. Bruised by the
candy-life witch and the underwater
kingdom that have been hush-whispered into her ears,
she feels nauseous as her mouth drowns in sticky sweet cotton.
Twenty-three, five til dawn, and her insides spill;
the asphalt is a painting of a non-believer.
She bakes under the sun, she is baked under the sun,
but even then her dreams are only at half-rise.

[RomeoAGoGo]

My scarlet-red dressed teacher, in her
relentless drive for complacency,
chain smokes chalk on the sidewalk.
Her tongue traces the shadow of dust and
she feels like old news, spent and tall-tale stories
that pile onto her mind. Bruised by the
candy-life witch and the underwater
kingdom that have been hush-whispered into her ears,
she feels nauseous as her mouth drowns in sticky sweet cotton.
Twenty-three, five til dawn, and her insides spill;
the asphalt is a painting of a non-believer.
She bakes under the sun, she is baked under the sun,
but even then her dreams are only at half-rise.


this is really quite good

few nits :

L1 - I don't think you need scarlet-red dressed. simply red or scarlet would do.
L3 - I'm having trouble visualizing chain smoking chalk, though it's a nice idea.
L5 - she feels like old news is a great line
L7 - I don't understand candy-life witch, maybe I'm missing something
L11 - asphalt is a painting of a non-believer is nice
L12 - I think you could do without "she is baked under the sun" and just keep the first part.
L13 - very interesting ending. I like it.

[swirlofhues]

this is really quite good

few nits :

L1 - I don't think you need scarlet-red dressed. simply red or scarlet would do.
L3 - I'm having trouble visualizing chain smoking chalk, though it's a nice idea.
L5 - she feels like old news is a great line
L7 - I don't understand candy-life witch, maybe I'm missing something
L11 - asphalt is a painting of a non-believer is nice
L12 - I think you could do without "she is baked under the sun" and just keep the first part.
L13 - very interesting ending. I like it.

Thanks, I think I'll keep it at red dressed and probably take out "she is baked under the sun". I think I might add something to line 3.

The candy-life witch is actually alluding to the fairytale of hansel and gretel, and the underwater kingdom is atlantis.



All and all, thanks for reading and your advice.