The Last Hoorah

[iHATEapril]

I was born a solider
Spit out in full uniform
Marched bloody out of the maternity ward
My birth place appears to others a morgue

Went to sleep in an outhouse
Ignorant to my bed's purpose
The air couldn't be like this all the time
How can these people live this life?

Taking the air in deeply
I decided with a final whiff
To forge my path carefully
Because this world’s full of shit

I am content to march quietly
Further from this world with each mile
I often wonder who designed me
Something so perfect in a world so vile

[a speedo model]

I was born a solider
Spit out in full uniform
Marched out of the ward
The trail of blood depicting a morgue

great way to open it. i love these lines, they really grabbed my attention.

Went to sleep in an outhouse
Woke up to the sun outside
Wasn’t sure if I was breathing
Surrounded by the scent of this life

i felt like these lines kind of falter. they just didn't click with me. i just was drawn deeper into the piece with them.

Taking the air in deeply
I decided with a final whiff
To forge my path carefully
Because this world’s full of shit

i like these.

I am content to march quietly
Further from this world with each mile
I often wonder who designed me
Something so perfect in a world so vile
[/quote]
another great closer, Mike. such a nice ending. overall, not bad. i know you can do better. but this is good and has some excellent lines and a great closer.

[thecurerocks182]

Originally Posted by iHATEaprilhttp://images.absolutepunk.net/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?p=4423017#post442301 7)
I was born a solider
Spit out in full uniform
Marched out of the ward
The trail of blood depicting a morgue excellent way to open.

great way to open it. i love these lines, they really grabbed my attention.

Originally Posted by iHATEaprilhttp://images.absolutepunk.net/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?p=4423017#post442301 7)

Went to sleep in an outhouse
Woke up to the sun outside
Wasn’t sure if I was breathing
Surrounded by the scent of this life focus on making this stanza more appealingly for it seems to drag down the rest


i felt like these lines kind of falter. they just didn't click with me. i just was drawn deeper into the piece with them.

Originally Posted by iHATEaprilhttp://images.absolutepunk.net/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?p=4423017#post442301 7)

Taking the air in deeply
I decided with a final whiff
To forge my path carefully
Because this world’s full of shit ----feels like you could say something more profound


i like these.

Originally Posted by iHATEaprilhttp://images.absolutepunk.net/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?p=4423017#post442301 7)
I am content to march quietly
Further from this world with each mile
I often wonder who designed me
Something so perfect in a world so vile I liked it also

Well, this is my favorite that i have read from you...all i have to say is that with some changes you could change this from good to great


PS - try commenting on mine if you ever have the chance

[iHATEapril]

I like it better now.

[ArTkY_]

The introduction and conclusion are both good, but the middle just gets bleh. The "shit" like is too informal for the whole voice of the song.

[RomeoAGoGo]

I was born a solider
Spit out in full uniform
Marched out of the ward
The trail of blood depicting a morgue

Went to sleep in an outhouse
Ignorant to my bed's purpose
The air couldn't be like this all the time
How can these people live this life?

Taking the air in deeply
I decided with a final whiff
To forge my path carefully
Because this world’s full of shit

I am content to march quietly
Further from this world with each mile
I often wonder who designed me
Something so perfect in a world so vile

I'm not a fan of this. the rhyming structure is quite simple and too predictable and the stanzas seem to lack any substance or cohesiveness. .

S1 - L4 confuses me. I don't really understand how the trail of blood can depict a morgue or what that has to do with being a solider.

S2 - This also has me wondering. What exactly does an outhouse have to do with the first stanza at all?

S3 - Whiff sounds too light for taking in air deeply. Maybe substitute that word for something stronger.

S4 - I'm sure it wasn't your intention to sound pretentious, but the last line sure raises that notion.

[lfdfforever]

i like this all the way through

[OveriseFan]

I was born a solider
Spit out in full uniform
Marched out of the ward
The trail of blood depicting a morgue

I hate the last line. It kills the flow, and the 'rhyming', if you will, in this entire stanza is really weak. And it doesn't add anything, so I would do away with it all together. Most of it you can't even tell it's there, but it's obviously intended. I really hate the last line. Gramatically, Concept-wise, everything.

Went to sleep in an outhouse
Ignorant to my bed's purpose
The air couldn't be like this all the time
How can these people live this life?

Pretty good. "The air can't be like this all the time" flows better, and (I think) is more grammatically correct. So that's always a plus. The 'half-rhyming'(Although, in my opinion, it doesn't even constitute that.) is really ridiculous, and I hate it though.

Taking the air in deeply
I decided with a final whiff
To forge my path carefully
Because this world’s full of shit

That last line is awful, and I'm sure you know it too. It's way too informal for the voice, and there was no need for 'shit' anyway. I have always hated the word 'whiff' too. It makes me think of farting. Not good.

I am content to march quietly
Further from this world with each mile
I often wonder who designed me
Something so perfect in a world so vile

Add a colon after "me", that way we can see what you're describing. Otherwise it reads too disjointedly.


I really don't know what to think of this...

I don't enjoy the forced, half-rhymes. They just make the piece seem really disjointed, and like you pieced together random lines, without thinking about how they fit(although the content proves me wrong.)

I love the ending though. It's pretty great.

[ArTkY_]

I'm not a fan of this. the rhyming structure is quite simple and too predictable and the stanzas seem to lack any substance or cohesiveness. .

S1 - L4 confuses me. I don't really understand how the trail of blood can depict a morgue or what that has to do with being a solider.

S2 - This also has me wondering. What exactly does an outhouse have to do with the first stanza at all?

S3 - Whiff sounds too light for taking in air deeply. Maybe substitute that word for something stronger.

S4 - I'm sure it wasn't your intention to sound pretentious, but the last line sure raises that notion.
Ah I missed that when I read it. I agree with the bolded stuff.

[OveriseFan]

S4 - I'm sure it wasn't your intention to sound pretentious, but the last line sure raises that notion.

I took that last line as:

He stands out here from all of us(as writers), and yet doesn't get recognized enough because we're not on the same page as him.

But maybe I'm thinking cynically after he said he wasn't going to post his writing here anymore.

[iHATEapril]

Morgues, soldiers and blood have to do a bit with each other. Thanks for the feedback.

[thecurerocks182]

S4 - I'm sure it wasn't your intention to sound pretentious, but the last line sure raises that notion.
Well i find that it will depend entirely on how the reader interprets it because if you look at the idea that humans are perfect in their creation it is not nearly as pretentious as saying that the narrator is perfect for in some way if we looked at it from a biological perspective we are perfect in our design

[iHATEapril]

I don't understand how the "forced" half rhymes throw off the cohesion of, in my opinion, a very cohesive piece. There are no lines that are confusing or thrown in. A maternal ward appearing as a morgue is foreshadowing that something is crucially wrong. It builds an atmosphere up. The word shit is used because the piece is not an over the top poetic masterpiece, it's blunt. Pretentiousness is completley fine in any work, regardless of whether it is or is not.

[iHATEapril]

Well i find that it will depend entirely on how the reader interprets it because if you look at the idea that humans are perfect in their creation it is not nearly as pretentious as saying that the narrator is perfect for in some way if we looked at it from a biological perspective we are perfect in our design

What did you think of the change I made?

[thecurerocks182]

I like it better, but i honestly don't see the connection of the outhouse to the rest of your piece..if you could enlighten me. also, i think the "depicting" is what throws the reader off. I think you are trying to use a metaphor to describe the excessive blood, but the "depicting" ruins the cohesion of that stanza. I don't maybe i'm wrong

[iHATEapril]

Well, the outhouse is to show the innocence of this person just introduced into this world. He comes to see an ultimate truth, that the world is indeed a shitty disgusting place, but in a completely nonsensical way, the logic of a person just obrn into this world. I thought that could be arrived at with a look or two. His naivety is built up I believe, and that makes it more apparent. I think I made the first stanza clearer, if the depicting was throwing everyone off.