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black rose
10/06/06, 01:46 PM
so, my friend writes music just like i do.
and she's in the process of becoming a member and such,
but she wanted me to post this because she knows that i really love that you guys critique my stuff.
so she wanted to see what you guys thought of it.
so hear it is.

You took away my essentials
You’re saying I’ve got no potential
I don’t go with society
With bottled water there’s variety

Are you telling me I’ve got 6 days?
Are you telling me there’s to waterways?
Are you telling me if I can’t pay?
All I’ve got is today.

People lying in the streets
Water fountains are discrete
And if by chance you find one
It’s nickel hit and run

You took away my essentials
You’re saying I’ve got no potential
I don’t go with society
With bottled water there’s variety

Water you can’t take away
The masses take it day by day
The poor you might victimize
But I am here to vocalize

You took away my essentials
You’re saying I’ve got no potential
I don’t go with society
With bottled water there’s variety
black rose
10/07/06, 02:38 PM
oh come on guys.
she really wants your guys' opinions :]
OveriseFan
10/07/06, 03:40 PM
:shake:
ArTkY_
10/07/06, 03:44 PM
The AABB rhyme scheme really kills it. A lot of rhymes are forced... its unoriginal. We all start off like this though. Tell your friend to keep writing.
OveriseFan
10/07/06, 03:53 PM
Yeah, the rhyming sucks.

And she used AAAA at one point. That's a no-no.

And never use "Bottled Water" in a song again.

Thx.
Deadboomerang
10/07/06, 03:57 PM
"People lying in the streets
Water fountains are discrete"

Don't really know why exactly, but I really have a liking for this part.

Unfortunately, the rest sucks in my eyes,
OveriseFan
10/07/06, 04:02 PM
"People lying in the streets
Water fountains are discrete"

Don't really know why exactly, but I really have a liking for this part.

Unfortunately, the rest sucks in my eyes,


But so does that line...

that's one of the worst, actually.
a speedo model
10/07/06, 04:12 PM
yeah, what they said...
Deadboomerang
10/07/06, 04:25 PM
But so does that line...

that's one of the worst, actually.


Haha, I dunno why I like that line. The ryme flow is totally wonky but, hey, I have an attraction to it.
*Shrug*
black rose
10/08/06, 04:03 PM
do you guys understand the whole concept?
i honestly think that it's one of the most original ones i've heard.

atleast she's not still writing about love =/
ArTkY_
10/08/06, 04:07 PM
do you guys understand the whole concept?
i honestly think that it's one of the most original ones i've heard.

atleast she's not still writing about love =/
The concept is original, and I'll give her that. Unfortunately, the way she presents it is not.
punkpixie
10/09/06, 08:50 AM
The concept is original, and I'll give her that. Unfortunately, the way she presents it is not.

haha word.

But I can see potential in it, which is good. Hopefully the more she writes the less obvious she will be with stuff.