Demophobic and Didaskaleinophobic

[thecurerocks182]

My first official poem (kind of)...everything else i've written was lyrics so try to constructive in your comments if you could please..Also, these are more like ideas that i thought of and wrote down in my biology class today. Hope someone enjoys it

And there I stood a hanging body
Like stars suspended in infinite space.
Becoming conscious of the loss of control, and soon
Rocks would fall and I would wake again.

Waves of eyes on the face of the ocean
Fixated on my gaping mouth; for I am mortified.
The air sends shocks, brings oscillation to arms and legs
While a tongue full of lead brings a metallic aftertaste.

And there I was helpless and dumbfounded
The Queen of eyes scrutinizing my every syntax
Her ink ran long onto the sand of the beaches.
Trepidation spreading quickly like cancer to my trachea

Isolation! Isolated! I’m marooned on this dry rock
The ocean driving me to a pinnacle point on the island, and soon
Rocks would fall and I would wake again.
And it is then where I will try to brush away
The sand that remains veiled in the orifices in my clothing

[thecurerocks182]

bump

[Tai]

A+++++!!!!!



I was induced into a state of giddy catatonia(sp?) reading that. It makes me think of Thrice's Vheissu, or The Mars Volta's Meccamputechure.


You are now a favorite writer O' mine.


P.S. The Title doesn't fit. At All. Other than that, it's perfect.

[thecurerocks182]

A+++++!!!!!



I was induced into a state of giddy catatonia(sp?) reading that. It makes me think of Thrice's Vheissu, or The Mars Volta's Meccamputechure.


You are now a favorite writer O' mine.


P.S. The Title doesn't fit. At All. Other than that, it's perfect.
wow thanks a lot...and ya i don't have a title for it...that was just something i put right before i submitted it

[Tai]

"Ideals Contortionesque?"


I have no idea, but I might be able to think of a title, if you'd like.

[thecurerocks182]

"Ideals Contortionesque?"


I have no idea, but I might be able to think of a title, if you'd like.
Thanks a lot for offering... its entirely up to you though. I dont have anything in mind so if you thought of something cool i might use it. oh and feel free to checkout my myspace page to listen to a few of my songs. The recordings aren't very good and i'm not sure if you'd like it, but i love feedback. once again thanks

[Tai]

I'll most certainly look into it.



Now if only I could get some comments on my stuff...(hint hint)

[thecurerocks182]

comment please

[RomeoAGoGo]

And there I stood a hanging body
Like stars suspended in infinite space.
Becoming conscious of the loss of control, and soon
Rocks would fall and I would wake again.

Waves of eyes on the face of the ocean
Fixated on my gaping mouth; for I am mortified.
The air sends shocks brings oscillation to arms and legs
While a tongue full of lead brings a metallic aftertaste.

And there I was helpless and dumbfounded
The Queen of eyes scrutinizing my every syntax
Her ink ran long onto the sand of the beaches.
Trepidation spreading quickly like cancer to my trachea

Isolation! Isolated! I’m marooned on this dry rock
The ocean driving me to a pinnacle point on the island, and soon
Rocks would fall and I would wake again.
And it is then where I will try to brush away
The sand that remains veiled in the orifices in my clothing



S1 - nice start. I'm iffy about 'like stars suspended in infinite space'. it's really straddling the cliche fence. maybe try and reword that part.

S2 - the syntax of the last two lines feels disjointed. you could defintly tighten it.

S3 - 'her ink ran long' sounds weird. maybe along instead?

S4 - my favorite strophe. I love 'sand that remains veiled in the orifices in my clothing'


if you fix those small issues then this could be really great. nice work.

-matt

[thecurerocks182]

S1 - nice start. I'm iffy about 'like stars suspended in infinite space'. it's really straddling the cliche fence. maybe try and reword that part.

S2 - the syntax of the last two lines feels disjointed. you could defintly tighten it.

S3 - 'her ink ran long' sounds weird. maybe along instead?

S4 - my favorite strophe. I love 'sand that remains veiled in the orifices in my clothing'


if you fix those small issues then this could be really great. nice work.

-matt
thanks a lot for reading, you always have something constructive to say. I'll try to make stanza 1 a bit tighter, but for now it will do. Since this is my first poem i've ever written, and i have no knowledge of theory in regards to writing poetry, i don't really understand your comment on S2. If you could elaborate on your comment it would be greatly appreciated. Lastly, i do believe it is ran long because along seems weird to me in the context of the sentence. Anyways, thanks for responding once again

[thecurerocks182]

this forum isn't as active as it is normally...Anyone who knows theory could you please enlighten me

[Tai]

I actually enjoyed that one line; "the ink ran long".

[RomeoAGoGo]

thanks a lot for reading, you always have something constructive to say. I'll try to make stanza 1 a bit tighter, but for now it will do. Since this is my first poem i've ever written, and i have no knowledge of theory in regards to writing poetry, i don't really understand your comment on S2. If you could elaborate on your comment it would be greatly appreciated. Lastly, i do believe it is ran long because along seems weird to me in the context of the sentence. Anyways, thanks for responding once again

Syntax is basically the proper formation of complete sentences with regards to grammar.

ie :

Waves of eyes on the face of the ocean
Fixated on my gaping mouth; for I am mortified.
The air sends shocks brings oscillation to arms and legs
While a tongue full of lead brings a metallic aftertaste.


Try reading the stanza outloud to yourself. To me it sounds very jumbled. If you put a comma or a dash after shocks or maybe tried rewording L1/L2 it would sound a lot better. You basically want your poery to sound like you're telling a story that's easy to read. It really has nothing to do with theory. Theory in poetry is practically (not fully) extinct nowadays. There are so many different types and styles that the rules have been bent dramatically. However, there are still some basics to poems. Syntax and structure are the most important. It's important for poetry to make sense to the reader and be clear at the same time. After that, you're free to do whatever you wnat.

[thecurerocks182]

Syntax is basically the proper formation of complete sentences with regards to grammar.

ie :

Waves of eyes on the face of the ocean
Fixated on my gaping mouth; for I am mortified.
The air sends shocks brings oscillation to arms and legs
While a tongue full of lead brings a metallic aftertaste.


Try reading the stanza outloud to yourself. To me it sounds very jumbled. If you put a comma or a dash after shocks or maybe tried rewording L1/L2 it would sound a lot better. You basically want your poery to sound like you're telling a story that's easy to read. It really has nothing to do with theory. Theory in poetry is practically (not fully) extinct nowadays. There are so many different types and styles that the rules have been bent dramatically. However, there are still some basics to poems. Syntax and structure are the most important. It's important for poetry to make sense to the reader and be clear at the same time. After that, you're free to do whatever you wnat.
Thanks a lot...I wish i knew poetry like you do, but all i know is how to write an idea. I just hope in the end that it all makes sense to the reader. Also, I was hoping to get into a writers craft class this year to further better my writing, but i had to change it so that i was able to do calculus. Anyways, thanks for responding.

[RomeoAGoGo]

Thanks a lot...I wish i knew poetry like you do, but all i know is how to write an idea. I just hope in the end that it all makes sense to the reader. Also, I was hoping to get into a writers craft class this year to further better my writing, but i had to change it so that i was able to do calculus. Anyways, thanks for responding.

I learned most of what I know from online writing workshops. If you're sincerely interested in improving your writing skills then head over to : http://www.poets.org/forum/ and start posting there. The best way to start is in 101, where you will recieve some small pointers here and there. Then you can move up to 301 when you feel ready. Everyone is extremely nice and dedicated towards improving your work. My username is FallofTroy and I usually post in 301. If you need any help let me know.

[thecurerocks182]

I learned most of what I know from online writing workshops. If you're sincerely interested in improving your writing skills then head over to : http://www.poets.org/forum/ and start posting there. The best way to start is in 101, where you will recieve some small pointers here and there. Then you can move up to 301 when you feel ready. Everyone is extremely nice and dedicated towards improving your work. My username is FallofTroy and I usually post in 301. If you need any help let me know.
Thanks man...the only problem is that i have virtually no time to write. When I am able to write more regularely than I'll consider it. But as of now, I am lucky to write something once a month.

[OveriseFan]

I learned most of what I know from online writing workshops. If you're sincerely interested in improving your writing skills then head over to : http://www.poets.org/forum/ and start posting there. The best way to start is in 101, where you will recieve some small pointers here and there. Then you can move up to 301 when you feel ready. Everyone is extremely nice and dedicated towards improving your work. My username is FallofTroy and I usually post in 301. If you need any help let me know.

Which should I post in?

I've read some of the stuff in 101... and well... it's kinda shitty in terms of help and in terms of writing.

Should I bother with 201, or just jump into 301?

[RomeoAGoGo]

Which should I post in?

I've read some of the stuff in 101... and well... it's kinda shitty in terms of help and in terms of writing.

Should I bother with 201, or just jump into 301?

I've read some of your stuff and I think you can jump into 301. Just keep in mind that everyone gives very blunt commentary and you should try and not go on the defensive if somebody says something you don't agree with. Just say "thanks for reading" or whatever. Also be sure to comment on other peoples work before posting your own.

[OveriseFan]

I've read some of your stuff and I think you can jump into 301. Just keep in mind that everyone gives very blunt commentary and you should try and not go on the defensive if somebody says something you don't agree with. Just say "thanks for reading" or whatever. Also be sure to comment on other peoples work before posting your own.

Will do.

Thanks a lot by the way.

[lostfear]

this a pretty amazing piece. I say song.

go for it.

poetry and lyrics should be one in the same.

awesome analogies and imagery.