Your Eyes Set as the Sun Travels South

[lostfear]

Calmly waiting to explode
to be found inside this geode
I exasperated my hold
but the stake still slips
hung out in the storm
the summer dress rips

Wounds left by my personified ego
Show even after the damage is done
I am the leech in the sand
Dying, as I wait for your hand

I knew who you were before I met you
your letters told me all I needed to know
The maple sugar and how you hate the snow
How you year for close calls and shopping malls

dreams are homeless roaming your subconscious

Prolific lies spill from your mouth
your eyes set as the sun travels south
Run away, run away sleep is close
Run away, to decay and creep in close

You're lush and losing logic
I'm gaining fire and so nostalgic
Our river stones are polished
The blockcades are down
so let love flood in, let love flood in

Burn down Atlantis, Burn down Atlantis
how does it feel,
to be the male preying mantis?

Your notes make allusions to Hemmingway
The only illusion is you're here to stay


yeaah I know it's not perfect.

please comment.

[lostfear]

read, review, comment.

please. i haven't even posted anything recently.

[a speedo model]

it's not bad, it's actually quite good. it just seems to lack any power. it doesn't draw me into it. like i said, it's not bad it just didn't blow me away or anything. but keep it up, i always like your writing.

[lostfear]

thanks man. and that's too bad you thought it was powerless.


gah whatever.

more comments anyone?

[RomeoAGoGo]

Calmly waiting to explode
to be found inside this geode
I exasperated my hold
but the stake still slips
hung out in the storm
the summer dress rips

Wounds left by my personified ego
Show even after the damage is done
I am the leech in the sand
Dying, as I wait for your hand

I knew who you were before I met you
your letters told me all I needed to know
The maple sugar and how you hate the snow
How you year for close calls and shopping malls

dreams are homeless roaming your subconscious

Prolific lies spill from your mouth
your eyes set as the sun travels south
Run away, run away sleep is close
Run away, to decay and creep in close

You're lush and losing logic
I'm gaining fire and so nostalgic
Our river stones are polished
The blockcades are down
so let love flood in, let love flood in

Burn down Atlantis, Burn down Atlantis
how does it feel,
to be the male preying mantis?

Your notes make allusions to Hemmingway
The only illusion is you're here to stay


yeaah I know it's not perfect.

please comment.


I just went through this and started to write a critique per stanza, but then I realized each of my comments said the same thing : vague language, numerous cliches, unbelievably forced rhymes, and no cohesiveness between strophes. This one is beyond repair. Sorry I can't be more positive.

-matt

[lostfear]

ahah I suppose. It needs an edit. and it's not beyond repair.


but I will agree some cliches should be taken out. let love flood in. bad. yeah I know. overused.


blah blah.

[black rose]

okay well i haven't really read all of it slowly yet, but i did want to say something.
every time you post new stuff, you never hold your ground.
if you believe that your stuff is good, than say so.

overrisefan tought me that.:-)

[YouAteMyDog182]

im hungry

[lostfear]

Yeah. well I just take advice from writers that are better than me.

and I usually agree when I think about it.

what good lyrics are is completely subjective.

but whatever thanks for the comments as always.

-jake

[OveriseFan]

Burn down Atlantis, Burn down Atlantis
how does it feel,
to be the male preying mantis?

Your notes make allusions to Hemmingway
The only illusion is you're here to stay

I like the allusion/illusion wordplay there, but seriousy: HAHAHAHAHAHA.

You didn't really write Burn down Atlantis, Burn down Atlantis
how does it feel,
to be the male preying mantis? Did you?

I know you can do much better than this. Sorry this isn't really 'constructive' but it seems like you didn't even try here.

[lostfear]

how is that lame?

haha It never struck me as lame.

ok though I'll take your word for it.

[black rose]

so you're saying that you're a better writer than me?
you probably are, but i don't know, seemed kind of rude.
i was just trying to give advice.

and plus, it wasn't my advice.
it was overrisefan's.

[OveriseFan]

how is that lame?

haha It never struck me as lame.

ok though I'll take your word for it.

It's not even so much that the idea is lame, it's that it sounds too disjointed, and the rhyming is AWFUL.

The rhyming totally ruined it, and I can think of no good way to rhyme 'preying mantis'

Unless you use Latin...

Oh... Latin... that's good.

I'm seriously a genius sometimes.

[OveriseFan]

so you're saying that you're a better writer than me?
you probably are, but i don't know, seemed kind of rude.
i was just trying to give advice.

and plus, it wasn't my advice.
it was overrisefan's.

He wasn't insulting you(to me anyway)

He was saying that he takes the advice of people he respects and usually agrees with it.

He was RESPONDING to you, not saying he doesn't care what you say.

He basically just disagreed with what you said though: That he will always think his stuff isn't good. Not a good philosophy, but whatever, it's his choice.

I hate false modesty though.

[black rose]

oh okay.
it's so hard to tell on the internet sometimes what people mean =/
eh, me and false modesty never got along too well either.

[lostfear]

haha I don't think that. more misunderstandings. I don't think my writing is always bad. In by no means do I think I'm a bad writer. I just need work and more practice, like with any skill. but I do realize as a writer and musician that there will always be someone who is better than me. and I wasn't insulting you black rose. not in the least bit. thanks overise fan for clearing that up.

and atlantis
preying mantis

how is that bad. that rhymes just fine. ;)

haha.

[TalentShow88']

I really like some parts of this poem.

stanzas 2. 4. 5. 6. are great!

[black rose]

oh okay.
yea total misunderstandings.
i get what you're saying now.
thanks.