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View Full Version : Somewhere between the moon and the north star: I caught her eye.

OveriseFan
10/15/06, 05:58 PM
I kind of took the bridge from the first verse of something I was writing... I like it though. It's funny because I wrote these a while ago, and then I read it today, went onto the next page and read the first verse and though it fit well as a bridge. Sweet. P.S. Serend = serendipity shortened for flow. Poetic Licensce bitch.

Can you bleed sincerity
On the dance floor?
Cause if you can then
This is serend at it's finest.
And sometimes serenity is
More sincere than saying something...

So darling
Give me something to remember
I swear you're my september
And I will never fall in love
(I need one line here, but it might just be "Again" only less cheesy?)

Set sail for Edinburgh!
These states feel too confined.
I am trapped inside my mind,
And I'm feeling that these trials:
Are far too repetitive and
I do not need another interruption.

So darling
Give me something to remember
I swear you're my september
And I will never fall in love

Second star to the right
And straight on til morning
Mourning dreams that never came to pass.
Second start to the right
And straight on til morning
Do you remember my name?

So darling
Give me something to remember
I swear you're my september
And I will never fall in love
GoWaitInTheCar
10/15/06, 05:59 PM
It's a bit to cliche, but for what it is, it's good.
OveriseFan
10/15/06, 06:14 PM
It's a bit to cliche, but for what it is, it's good.

too*

To is going to a place. Too is like an excess amount or also.

How is it cliche when I said freaking:


Set sail for Edinburgh!


Haha.

No but I agree with you; That's cool. I don't mind cliches though. They're something to embrace.
djUbilla
10/15/06, 06:18 PM
too*

To is going to a place. Too is like an excess amount or also.

How is it cliche when I said freaking:


Set sail for Edinburgh!


Haha.

No but I agree with you; That's cool. I don't mind cliches though. They're something to embrace.Yeah, I agree with the guy before me with the exception of that line for the most part. It's a pretty key line.
OveriseFan
10/15/06, 06:22 PM
Yeah, I agree with the guy before me with the exception of that line for the most part. It's a pretty key line.

hahahaha.

I was afraid it was too obscure/random.

Sweet.
OveriseFan
10/15/06, 06:22 PM
Wow. Mad people viewing this thread.

I'm famous.
a speedo model
10/15/06, 07:09 PM
this is really good. i especially like the first verse. good job, James.
OveriseFan
10/19/06, 06:27 PM
this is really good. i especially like the first verse. good job, James.

<3
Tai
10/20/06, 08:13 AM
Exciting. Sounds kinda MCR though.



Ok, I'm being unfair, sorry.


Honestly, it sounds like your trapped in some state with no coast. You should go see the ocean.


It's nice, for what it is. And what it is is just alittle P!ATD or F/B. For me, thats a complement.


*Waits for the Bashing to commence*
OveriseFan
10/20/06, 01:39 PM
Exciting. Sounds kinda MCR though.



Ok, I'm being unfair, sorry.


Honestly, it sounds like your trapped in some state with no coast. You should go see the ocean.


It's nice, for what it is. And what it is is just alittle P!ATD or F/B. For me, thats a complement.


*Waits for the Bashing to commence*

Nah, that's cool. I really like both bands in terms of lyrics, and the music is usually pretty good too (Because Matt Squire wrote P!atD's album)
black rose
10/20/06, 03:29 PM
before i really critique this, i did see the line "i swear your my september" and i think it fits better here.
real critique later.
lightcollapse
10/20/06, 10:59 PM
goddamn i wish i had your skillz.
Alex Djaferis
10/21/06, 02:14 AM
not bad at all.
OveriseFan
10/21/06, 07:14 AM
This chorus fucking sucks.
OveriseFan
10/21/06, 07:14 AM
goddamn i wish i had your skillz.

But...

I don't have 'skillz'. Nor skills, but that's a totally DIFFERENT matter. :-)
black rose
10/21/06, 07:32 AM
This chorus fucking sucks. no it doesn't.
OveriseFan
10/21/06, 07:45 AM
no it doesn't.

Trust me, it does.

It's also not conclusive at all...
ArTkY_
10/21/06, 11:09 AM
The chorus doesn't really even say anything, so yes, it sucks.
black rose
10/21/06, 11:13 AM
well i liked the chorus.
i'm not sure why,
but i do.
OveriseFan
10/21/06, 12:27 PM
The chorus doesn't really even say anything, so yes, it sucks.

exactly.

It sucks.
black rose
10/21/06, 04:06 PM
exactly.

It sucks. okay.
i believe you.
ArTkY_
10/21/06, 04:08 PM
James, stop being so condescending!
OveriseFan
10/21/06, 06:00 PM
Stop Yelling At Me!!!!!!!!
RomeoAGoGo
10/22/06, 08:42 AM
I kind of took the bridge from the first verse of something I was writing... I like it though. It's funny because I wrote these a while ago, and then I read it today, went onto the next page and read the first verse and though it fit well as a bridge. Sweet. P.S. Serend = serendipity shortened for flow. Poetic Licensce bitch.

Can you bleed sincerity
On the dance floor?
Cause if you can then
This is serend at it's finest.
And sometimes serenity is
More sincere than saying something...

So darling
Give me something to remember
I swear you're my september
And I will never fall in love
(I need one line here, but it might just be "Again" only less cheesy?)

Set sail for Edinburgh!
These states feel too confined.
I am trapped inside my mind,
And I'm feeling that these trials:
Are far too repetitive and
I do not need another interruption.

So darling
Give me something to remember
I swear you're my september
And I will never fall in love

Second star to the right
And straight on til morning
Mourning dreams that never came to pass.
Second start to the right
And straight on til morning
Do you remember my name?

So darling
Give me something to remember
I swear you're my september
And I will never fall in love


S1 - The whole "serend" thing completely threw me off. It doesn't really do much for the flow, and it's a big sore thumb in the middle of an otherwise decent strophe.

S2 - remember and september seemed a bit forced.

S3 - Reminds me of "Jude Law" a lot. You could ditch the semi-colons.

S5 - Morning/mourning thing is a bit cheesy here.


Overall, it's pretty meh. You can do better.
Cutiefacex3
10/23/06, 01:53 PM
Well no matter what these people are saying, I loved it. Cliche as it may seem, that's what makes some lyrics so addicting. Nice work.