Beachside Ballerina

[RomeoAGoGo]

Moon-struck ballerina
twirling like a pinwheel
pivots on her toes
to create dimples in the sand.

Hair strands whip
the air, commanding eyes
to follow every twist
of her hip, every lunge
of her torso.

Shadows contort
on the muddy sheath
that flirt with the froth
of champagne waves.

The tide beckons each crash
and every break to inch closer
and swallow her footprints,
leaving no trace or evidence
left to be discovered.

[a speedo model]

i like this, good job.

[zapota!!]

omg!!this is really really good!
i love the details and the words fall into place really well.
<3

[black rose]

Moon-struck ballerina
twirling like a pinwheel
pivots on her toes
to create dimples in the sand.

Hair strands whip
the air, commanding eyes
to follow every twist
of her hip, every lunge
of her torso.

Shadows contort
on the muddy sheath
that flirt with the froth
of champagne waves.

The tide beckons each crash
and every break to inch closer
and swallow her footprints,
leaving no trace or evidence
left to be discovered.
man, i say, you just keep improving.
i mean, you think you would have a bad one or something. hah.
no but i really liked the bolded part.
again, imagry.
if you become a well-known writer, that's what you will be known for.
awesome imagry.

but one question.
what are you doing with all these lyrics?
putting them to good use?
because it would be a serious shame to see them crumble under a bed somewhere.

[wyverna]

I really like this. Great imagery, like the girl above me said, and I just love the whole idea of the beachside ballerina. You manage to tell a story really well, and I love it. Well done.

[OveriseFan]

I'm going to stop the ass-kissing train and say: It's decent. (And decent, for you, I should say.)

Nothing more, nothing less. There's not so much I can really critique though, you know? Because, it's not so much the writing that makes it only decent, nor is it the structure or anything. I just find it... boring, and typical. The ending's the only fairly good or (forgive me) original part. (Edit: The first stanza's really well written, and original, and clever too. I enjoy that.)

Frankly, I don't care how well you describe her, because it doesn't mean anything to me. I feel like this came from a lack of inspiration, where you just needed to write something for a creative writing class.

And, I figured I'd throw this out there: You do write about sex like no other writer on this forum. You're brilliant at it.

[OveriseFan]

but one question.
what are you doing with all these lyrics?
putting them to good use?
because it would be a serious shame to see them crumble under a bed somewhere.

For starters, they're poetry, as I know just from him.

They're not being crumbled under a bed somewhere. He's studying journalism and creative writing and shit at university, so I'm sure he's trying to get published in SOMETHING. Not to mention: Posting it here counts as not having them crumbled under a bed. :-)

[black rose]

For starters, they're poetry, as I know just from him.

They're not being crumbled under a bed somewhere. He's studying journalism and creative writing and shit at university, so I'm sure he's trying to get published in SOMETHING. Not to mention: Posting it here counts as not having them crumbled under a bed. :-) oh okay.
well i didn't know that.

what university are you going to?

[OveriseFan]

oh okay.
well i didn't know that.

what university are you going to?

Sorry, I realized now that came off as sort of dick-ish.

I was just trying to tell you what was up. haha.

[black rose]

Sorry, I realized now that came off as sort of dick-ish.

I was just trying to tell you what was up. haha. oh no, you didn't.
i get what you were trying to say.:-)

[RomeoAGoGo]

I really like this. Great imagery, like the girl above me said, and I just love the whole idea of the beachside ballerina. You manage to tell a story really well, and I love it. Well done.

Thanks Wyverna I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[RomeoAGoGo]

I'm going to stop the ass-kissing train and say: It's decent. (And decent, for you, I should say.)

Nothing more, nothing less. There's not so much I can really critique though, you know? Because, it's not so much the writing that makes it only decent, nor is it the structure or anything. I just find it... boring, and typical. The ending's the only fairly good or (forgive me) original part. (Edit: The first stanza's really well written, and original, and clever too. I enjoy that.)

Frankly, I don't care how well you describe her, because it doesn't mean anything to me. I feel like this came from a lack of inspiration, where you just needed to write something for a creative writing class.

And, I figured I'd throw this out there: You do write about sex like no other writer on this forum. You're brilliant at it.


Haha I love the honesty. Of course it's decent. It was a 5-minute-written little lovey dovey poem I wrote in class to impress this girl that I've been getting with. She liked it at least.

Sometimes with my poetry I just write because I have an inspiration or an idea. It doesn't always have to be meaningful or have a subliminal message (though there are those who would love to argue that to the bone).

This wasn't for a creative writing class, because I've never taken a creative writing class. The only writing class I've ever taken is journalism which I just enrolled in. I mainly focus on album reviews and music interviews for the school newspaper. I actually just got to interview All American Rejects, and I'm interviewing Gym Class Heroes, Chiodos, and Trophy Scars next week. (If anybody wants a copy let me know)

As for what I do with all this poetry, it's simply a hobby. I post some of it on critique boards to improve my work and learn the craft, and that's about it. I've never submitted anything to be published. My major is Psychology, and I'm thinking about minoring in journalism. To answer black rose's question...I'm a student at the University at Albany which is in upstate New York (Grossville, USA)

Anyway, thanks for the critique Overise. You're one of the only people here who actually find the flaws and don't just resort to the simple pat on the back. On another note, did you start posting in that other forum yet?

[OveriseFan]

Haha I love the honesty. Of course it's decent. It was a 5-minute-written little lovey dovey poem I wrote in class to impress this girl that I've been getting with. She liked it at least.

Sometimes with my poetry I just write because I have an inspiration or an idea. It doesn't always have to be meaningful or have a subliminal message (though there are those who would love to argue that to the bone).

This wasn't for a creative writing class, because I've never taken a creative writing class. The only writing class I've ever taken is journalism which I just enrolled in. I mainly focus on album reviews and music interviews for the school newspaper. I actually just got to interview All American Rejects, and I'm interviewing Gym Class Heroes, Chiodos, and Trophy Scars next week. (If anybody wants a copy let me know)

As for what I do with all this poetry, it's simply a hobby. I post some of it on critique boards to improve my work and learn the craft, and that's about it. I've never submitted anything to be published. My major is Psychology, and I'm thinking about minoring in journalism. To answer black rose's question...I'm a student at the University at Albany which is in upstate New York (Grossville, USA)

Anyway, thanks for the critique Overise. You're one of the only people here who actually find the flaws and don't just resort to the simple pat on the back. On another note, did you start posting in that other forum yet?

Not yet.

I'll probably take a look at some people's work this weekend, then hopefully write something great to enter with.

And I didn't realize you were majoring in something involving writing, sorry.

You write about sex amazingly though, haha.

[black rose]

To answer black rose's question...I'm a student at the University at Albany which is in upstate New York (Grossville, USA) oh okay. well i got the impression that you were majoring in journalism, so i was thinking mizzou [one of the best journalisms schools].

hope everything goes well for the interviews and such.
i would love a copy of the GCH one :-)

[RomeoAGoGo]

Not yet.

I'll probably take a look at some people's work this weekend, then hopefully write something great to enter with.

And I didn't realize you were majoring in something involving writing, sorry.

You write about sex amazingly though, haha.

Haha it's all good. I'm thinking about minoring or double majoring in Psych and Journalism, but that might take five years which is way too long to stick around in Albany.


Blackrose,

I never heard of Mizzou, is that in New York? The GCH interview is next week so I can post it on the 31st or send it to you. I might just start posting the interviews on this board.

[black rose]

mizzou is in columbia, missouri.
it's one of the best journalism schools in the country, if not the best.

yea either way.
you can send it to me or just post it.
doesn't matter to me :]