Tai's FIXED Poetry Thread.

[Tai]

Ok, so I've decided to upload these babies three at a time, for all of your sakes.


Here's the first one:



"Dust And The Moon"

Chalky breath drifts by the moonlight,

A mound of dirt reaches higher into the sky.

Look at the elegant moon! She drifts in content and beauty,

While this pile of earth is but a lowly hill.

But if unworthy is this lowly hill staring at his beloved moon

Than so deem I my eyes lifted to your face

Which trapped in light escapes me.
___________________________________ ___________________________________ ________________________

Here is the Second:



“Fling The Seraph”

Fling Over The Seraph-Form

I am not refusing to make sense

I am refusing to be bound to it

Like some cast off composer

I’m no poetic pimp!

Go find for your own pseudo-needs

And for the love of GOD, stop bothering me!

Little children, you crowd around me

You all just want a tiny piece

Just a glimmer from the muse of inspirato

These words dance through thought shattering and flattering both

Fling your bodies to the to the base

Beating away at the night.
___________________________________ ___________________________________ _

Last one for the day:



"You Seem So..."


You seem so confused.

You seem seem so conflicted.

The idle gesture of suffering hands

or the brief caresss of a stealers kiss

made bright by the light

or made dark in the night.


You seem to fall apart.

You seem to be leaving.

The blackest abyss stretches out before you

the hungriest of stomachs embraces you now

suffering made right

or matyrdom in the Fight

You Seem To Be....

Gone.

You Seem To Be..

Alone.

I watch you escape to a grey life

I alone witness you jump

pushing the winds as your frame breaks barriers

or punishing your corpse as it fondles the earth.


You Seem To Be....

[a speedo model]

The first two are very good, I like them. The third was alright, but seemed to be in need of a little work. It just felt unfinished. But the first two are very good, great job with them.

[RomeoAGoGo]

Hey Tai,

"Dust and the Moon" - L1+L2 is great. I love the imagery. L3 is where I stumble. I know you enjoy venturing into abstractions, but from a poetry perspective they only hurt your work. Stay grounded in imagery and concrete language, instead of using overused and tired words such as "elegant", "beloved" "beauty", etc.. L6+L7 doesn't make sense as a sentence.

"Fling the Seraph" - Hah I like the idea of this a lot. Unfortunately it comes off completely self-absorbed and narcisstic. But still pretty funny.

"You Seem So.." - S1 is really amazing. I loved this one. S2L3 - the blackest abyss is cliche. S2L12 sounds confusing. You should change it to "Alone, I witness you jump". "Fondling the earth" is interesting. I'm not sure if fondling is the best word to use, but nonetheless it stood out.


Nice work.

[Tai]

Right! I have to say I agree with all of your comments, however, I will not refuse the title of narcist. It is far better to admit to the flaw slightly then to totally indulge it whilst pretending it didn't exist.


As another statement, however....This poetry isn't really for other people, the way I write it. I really don't write poetry for other people; I write it for me, to get my stuff out. If people like it, it makes me very happy, but it isn't a prerequisite. Still, I like to know how I'm doing, which is why I come here. I sure sound arrogant, but there it is.


To make up for this moralistic drivel, a poem for YOU.


Working Title: Thoughts on Bikes At Night.

I am a child peaking through doorcracks under portals marked father;

my view of the heavens is obstructed by roads of telephone wires:

the night throws unseen things at my eyes.

Earlier today

I saw children play

I viewed the quintessential "Odd Couple", the Old Couple

a gruff man, the picture perfect of the Honest Elder

A scented woman, the homage to the Grand Mother.



Today I ate a philosopher’s lunch:

That is, I gave sweet nothings away

and saved the firmer things for myself.

[RomeoAGoGo]

As another statement, however....This poetry isn't really for other people, the way I write it. I really don't write poetry for other people; I write it for me, to get my stuff out. If people like it, it makes me very happy, but it isn't a prerequisite. Still, I like to know how I'm doing, which is why I come here. I sure sound arrogant, but there it is.

I understand that's why most people write in the first place. But if you're going to post on a board for feedback, then it only makes sense that you're sharing it for other people to read and critique. So critical comments are to be expected. On the other hand, I know exactly what you mean because when I first started I had the same mindset of writing just "for myself".

[lfdfforever]

i liked this

[Tai]

I had hoped you would. I suppose I should give yalls comments (Yes, southern accent) a longer gestation period, but I really wanted to share some more with ya. So, here ya go!



The Ruins of Me-Tower"


I poke about through the ashes, trying to see something wanting of worth.

The citadel burnt, they say...much to the dismay of carpenters, whose work had only recently found done as it had stood high, so high.


But now the brick layers will come, and the carpenters will come, and they will clean away the ashes, they will put away the rubble, and they will rebuild the Home again.

but Layers are gone

the carpenters are dead

and this tower burnt down many years ago

in the end

all that we realized

was so much a witches cackling

so much wizard contortionism

so much blood mixed with brewskies in an attempt to find love.


But still some noble stone resides

built from blocks of fire and time

the water fondles the thirsty rock with a tongue of iron green.


I am alone now

an Old Man

I poke through the ashes

the ashes of My Citadel

and I give thanks that I survived

yet all my family fell.



Now it lies, burnt away

and Now I die alone

sleeping in a field of hay

neath the barrow stones



I buried my sisters and my brothers there

and my mothers too

but the hardest one to commit to Earth

was the sacrifice of you.


Now I rest 'pon castle rock

bones of fortresses too soon dead

one day another shall find this house

though all spirits within have fled.



Hope ya like it. It may feel rough, but I was going for that somewhat, so....Ah well. Enjoy.

[Tai]

Wow, No comments. I'd at least like a couple of comments before I post the next one kids!

[Tai]

Ok, I'm bumping the thread, but I'm bringing poetry this time, I promise!


Enjoy kiddies!


"Generic Geriatrickan Ramblings"
(Or: Yes, I Know The Word Is Misspelled)


When will you leave me again?

Chain gangs of love slaves

Crying out their lust for you

As wardens of warring emotion keep them in check

To continue their indentured existence in your honor



You give your moments away like diamonds

Your hours like hordes of precious jewels

There is not a second that is wasted.


When shall I have an original tongue?

A voice that you did not give me?

I stole my voice from Apes and Angels

From the angles of authors I took my cadaverous speeches

Corpselike in their antiquity and in their use


A better zombie for discussion than discovered in recent days.

If there is anything the Esoteric does not spoil in its essence

It is lost in the ether of subways and byways outside of existence

Less the truly fantastic come to be present in the skin.


Your droning voice is an ocean of fallacy banging like hands on the door of self

The spoiled waters of your spirit smash against the dry rock, thirsty for foolishness

I speak of liquid superstition and silent convictions that lose distinction in the haze-maze

Of your soul, till they become bread and doctrine.

[Tai]

Man, I can get NO love on this thread recently!



Eh, well, at least yall are adding to the views, so it means SOMEBODY is reading this crud....



Of course, a review might be nice...


oh well.


Please enjoy the thread.

[IAmHolocaust]

Right! I have to say I agree with all of your comments, however, I will not refuse the title of narcist. It is far better to admit to the flaw slightly then to totally indulge it whilst pretending it didn't exist.


As another statement, however....This poetry isn't really for other people, the way I write it. I really don't write poetry for other people; I write it for me, to get my stuff out. If people like it, it makes me very happy, but it isn't a prerequisite. Still, I like to know how I'm doing, which is why I come here. I sure sound arrogant, but there it is.


To make up for this moralistic drivel, a poem for YOU.


Working Title: Thoughts on Bikes At Night.

I am a child peaking through doorcracks under portals marked father;

my view of the heavens is obstructed by roads of telephone wires:

the night throws unseen things at my eyes.

Earlier today

I saw children play

I viewed the quintessential "Odd Couple", the Old Couple

a gruff man, the picture perfect of the Honest Elder

A scented woman, the homage to the Grand Mother.



Today I ate a philosopher’s lunch:

That is, I gave sweet nothings away

and saved the firmer things for myself.

I really love this one!

[Tai]

Thanks. Glad to see someone is reviewing this thing these days! *Glares at Speedo Model*


See, HE likes it! Why won't you pay attention to me! *Cries in an emo homo-erotic fashion*