Lord,I am the servant of your honest hands Not the slave of a preacher

[Slaytus]

You were there when mountains were but hills and oceans but puddles
Painting a tapestry of your hopes and realities which clashed and fought
only to discover those dreams would be slashed and caught
Honest hands masterfully weaving a suit for the reception of birth
diamonds around my neck and gold placed within my chest

In life your loving yet accusing eyes will cut me to the floor
and take away everything that i untruly adore
yet you will forgive me, for i am the wandering sheep
for I am the stargazing thinker, and your teachings suffer from overanalysis
for i am the unguided explorer, stumbling in the strangling darkness
So many different paths,they laugh but your devotion illuminates the way
i have to choose to follow the light or never believe what you say

Understand my misgivings? Your human hands are unforgiving.
Burn the crops the ministers demanded
the Lord will feed our aching bodies
fallow fields befell the fall feasts

Slash the sails the ministers commanded
faith is in the wind and His storm approaches
fortold floods followed the fury of hurricanes

And they claim unity within uniformity but the book never read of conformity
Purify.Justify,Setting fire to a world already ablaze.



I personally think this is one of my best (which there are few of) i really do hope everyone here enjoys it. By the way im very bad at formatting these.

[FScott]

i really like it

[Tai]

I am of one mind with you in this, friend. God is great, ministers...are not always so.


Great poem, good message, and while this isn't a religious board by any stretch of the imagination, I think it is well placed. Good poem, please do more. Meanwhile, I have a new fave author. Yay!

[Slaytus]

thanks alot guys your feedback is really really appreciated

anyone else?

btw Tai thank you very much for your kind words.I'm glad we share the same mind when it comes to religion. I recently turned over a new leaf in terms of religion with some events/choices by my local priests and ministers.

[Slaytus]

Bumpppp
so many views...so little feedback

[Alex Djaferis]

yea i like the message. but its hard to read at times. carry on writing.

[a speedo model]

This is very good. Great job with this one, man. Love the imagery.

[Slaytus]

thanks alot speedo im a huge fan of your writing and its great to see you liking my work.
Peedster could u give me some lines that are hard to read? i see where your coming from and i actually liek negative feedback more then posi so i can improve.

[a speedo model]

thanks alot speedo im a huge fan of your writing and its great to see you liking my work.
Peedster could u give me some lines that are hard to read? i see where your coming from and i actually liek negative feedback more then posi so i can improve.
Thank you very much

[black rose]

i really liked the third stanza.
that one really jumped out at me.

as for the rest, i thought it was just, well, blah.
it is hard to read at some points.
some lines, it seems like you just stuck some big words in,
to make it sound cool.
like...
for I am the stargazing thinker, and your teachings suffer from overanalysis
for i am the unguided explorer, stumbling in the strangling darkness
i like your writing style, though.
i'd like to see more from you.

[Slaytus]

yeah that seems to be a general agreement. My teacher agrees i have great ideas and writing skills i just lack orginsation and stumble over my words.
thanks for readin and the feedback :)

[black rose]

hey no problem.
keep up the writing!

and if you could,
review my new piece.
:]

[lfdfforever]

i really like the meaning

[Alex Djaferis]

thanks alot speedo im a huge fan of your writing and its great to see you liking my work.
Peedster could u give me some lines that are hard to read? i see where your coming from and i actually liek negative feedback more then posi so i can improve.

hey man. i meant 'hard to read' as in the way it flows. but thats a shitty critic to make, because only you know how the poem actually "sounds" you know what i mean?

[Cutiefacex3]

Interesting.. I sorta like it, but I sorta don't. To me the flow doesn't sound right but then again, I'm 13, what the hell do I know??

[saysmydoctor]

Pretty fuckin' spectacular.

[Alex Djaferis]

Interesting.. I sorta like it, but I sorta don't. To me the flow doesn't sound right but then again, I'm 13, what the hell do I know??

you are officially the youngest person i have ever seen on an internet forum.

when i was 13 you were 4. that is not right.

[black rose]

Interesting.. I sorta like it, but I sorta don't. To me the flow doesn't sound right but then again, I'm 13, what the hell do I know?? okay, yes you are the youngest i've seen [i thought i was, i'm 14], but that doesn't mean to underestimate yourself.

sure, you're only 13, and you probably don't know a whole bunch about writing
[neither do i, i've only been writing for about 2 years],
but i'm sure you're not dumb on any level.

just saying, don't underestimate yourself.
never a good thing.

[ArTkY_]

Painting a tapestry of your hopes and realities which clashed and fought
only to discover those dreams would be slashed and caught
Honest hands masterfully weaving a suit for the reception of birth
diamonds around my neck and gold placed within my chest

WOW. I love that. Wonderful imagery. Good job.

for I am the stargazing thinker, and your teachings suffer from overanalysis
for i am the unguided explorer, stumbling in the strangling darkness

I like that a lot too. It gives personality to the whole piece.

And they claim unity within uniformity but the book never read of conformity
Purify.Justify,Setting fire to a world already ablaze.

Good ending.

This is the best thing you've ever written. Good job. Very well rounded piece.

[Slaytus]

thanks alott guys for the feedback. Now i have to try and write another worth the same praise.

[Cutiefacex3]

Wow.. Lol, I feel special to have breifly been the topic of discussion.. But being 13 isn't like.. THAT young.. A lot of younger people are getting into the internet. And as for the message of this piece, it is very relatable.. just thought I should add that. So yeah.