A new poem of sorts.

[black rose]

i haven't posted new stuff in what seems like forever.
james told me to write about something new.
which for me, is very tough.
i started writing this as was meant to be a song.
and it sort of evolved from there.
it's not a song, it's a lot closer to poetry.
and i usually rhyme, whether it's intentional or not, but in this one it was different.
a totally different writing style than i'm used to.
so, in short, i hope you like it.

james, i want to know esp. what you think.

Hospital Hopes and Destiny's Dream

Sipping your dreams up,
In a small, dense liquid.
It’s all you care about,
At this moment in time,
In this moment of silence.

The quiet has become your friend,
If only the walls could talk.
You make friends with the dangling wallpaper,
Out-dated and torn,
Sort of ironic in ways.

The sun beats down on you,
On your few trips outside.
The green of the plants stare at you,
Like they’re happy you can’t feel them.

Everything seems like it’s looking at you,
“Shut up” you, tell the ferns.
Than you realize that you are talking to yourself again,
So you push your remaining life back inside.

Nothing changes here,
It’s all so monotonous.
The white sheets are never wrinkled,
Never homely, never lovely.

But after five years, you just assume,
That this is life.
It’s the way it was supposed to be.
But I thought destiny never gave up.
I could have imagined a better world.

After a lot more stuffy nurses came and went,
After the wallpaper had changed,
And the room had been reconstructed,
You never gave up, you never lost hope.
But most of all, you never left.

For now you’ve grown old,
In the simplest of ways.
Forever your heart’s beating,
Underneath those quiet sheets.

[black rose]

come on guys, please.

[a speedo model]

This is very good, much better from previous works. Keep it up, it takes time.

[black rose]

thanks speedo.

[Slaytus]

not bad not bad at all
sorry i didnt get to this sooner, busy night but yes i actually like this alot from your previous work. Your improving alot and its easy to read and understand

[black rose]

oh no biggy.
thanks :]

[black rose]

james, i would really like your advice on this.
it's the first real thing i've written in a while.

[OveriseFan]

i haven't posted new stuff in what seems like forever.
james told me to write about something new.
which for me, is very tough.
i started writing this as was meant to be a song.
and it sort of evolved from there.
it's not a song, it's a lot closer to poetry.
and i usually rhyme, whether it's intentional or not, but in this one it was different.
a totally different writing style than i'm used to.
so, in short, i hope you like it.

This is excellent. (teehee.)

james, i want to know esp. what you think.

Hospital Hopes and Destiny's Dream

Sipping your dreams up,
In a small, dense liquid.
It’s all you care about,
At this moment in time,
In this moment of silence.

Sipping up in a liquid? Hm... intriguing idea, but I'm not sure you used the right word. I hate the repitition of "In this moment of..." didn't I give you advice on that type of repeating like that on your last piece? Perhaps change it to(if the ideas must stay.) "At this moment of silence, suspended in time" or something neat like that.

The quiet has become your friend,
If only the walls could talk.
You make friends with the dangling wallpaper,
Out-dated and torn,
Sort of ironic in ways.

How's it ironic? Don't throw out a literary technique if it makes no sense in the context. Show how it's ironic, or don't say it. Hell, I'd go as far to not say it at all, and only show, but that's up to you. I don't like the repitition of friends. The rest is pretty good.

The sun beats down on you,
On your few trips outside.
The green of the plants stare at you,
Like they’re happy you can’t feel them.

Why can't you feel the green of the plants?

Everything seems like it’s looking at you,
“Shut up” you, tell the ferns.
Than you realize that you are talking to yourself again,
So you push your remaining life back inside.

I think the ending would be more effective if you used some kind of symbolism cleverly to reveal that it's an inner-monologue. That would be a very nice, intriguing twist.

Nothing changes here,
It’s all so monotonous.
The white sheets are never wrinkled,
Never homely, never lovely.

Monotonous. That's a new one. haha. I like the repitition here. It works well. This is actually pretty great.


But after five years, you just assume,
That this is life.
It’s the way it was supposed to be.
But I thought destiny never gave up.
I could have imagined a better world.

I like this, although a little self-loathing. So I'll critique it in terms of structure, because I think this would make it better.

But after five years, you just assume
That this is life:
The way it was supposed to be...
But I thought Destiny never gave up!
I could have imagined a better world.

After a lot more stuffy nurses came and went,
After the wallpaper had changed,
And the room had been reconstructed,
You never gave up, you never lost hope.
But most of all, you never left.

Stuffy nurses? As in their nose? I don't think the "But most of all" is necessary... If you choose to keep it though, make it "But most of all:" (Line break.) "You never left."


For now you’ve grown old,
In the simplest of ways.
Forever your heart’s beating,
Underneath those quiet sheets.

The "For" is annoying, and not necessary. Remove it.

This is a good ending, to a very excellent, though scattered, poem. You're improving a lot.




Penis.

[OveriseFan]

And while I literally tore it apart, that's only to help. I enjoyed this quite a bit.

[OveriseFan]

P.S. Don't re-write this, just take my advice, and use it in everything new you write.

[black rose]

thanks for the advice.
here's some answers to your uh, i guess they were questions.

..she can't feel the green of the plants because she is to frail to move.
all the chemo and such.
...that part does sound self-loathing, but i guess you're allowed to be self-loathing when you're dying.
...stuffy as in they're self-centered and they believe they have better things to do. hah noses.

no believe me, i like when you tear my stuff up.
it only helps.
i'm glad you liked, hopefully i can keep improving.

good luck on your musical.

[Cutiefacex3]

Loverly job. I am impressed.

[OveriseFan]

Loverly job. I am impressed.

Yes, but you're impressed by everything.

[black rose]

Yes, but you're impressed by everything. hah.
kinda why i didn't respond to that one.
i know it wasn't amazing or anything.

[villevalo1666]

Omg. I found you.

What's up chica?
Niiice work! Love it, Love it!

Well, I'm off to post a bajillion more of my things!

Tata!

[de la sympathie]

I liked it to an extent. It seemed to me like it was trying too hard. Just because he told you to write something new, you wrote something like this. That (at least to me) doesn't make it very meaningful. It flowed okay though. Actually, it seemed alot like James' early stuff.

Keep trying. Go with what you want to write though, wait for a good idea to come, and then run with it. You've got potential.

[black rose]

thanks a bunch!

[OveriseFan]

I liked it to an extent. It seemed to me like it was trying too hard. Just because he told you to write something new, you wrote something like this. That (at least to me) doesn't make it very meaningful. It flowed okay though. Actually, it seemed alot like James' early stuff.

Keep trying. Go with what you want to write though, wait for a good idea to come, and then run with it. You've got potential.

While I'm glad to see you posting again, don't throw out any comments about anything being like my old stuff.

Highly insulting. haha.

[ArTkY_]

Everything James said.

You've improved quite a bit.

[ArTkY_]

I liked it to an extent. It seemed to me like it was trying too hard. Just because he told you to write something new, you wrote something like this. That (at least to me) doesn't make it very meaningful. It flowed okay though. Actually, it seemed alot like James' early stuff.

Keep trying. Go with what you want to write though, wait for a good idea to come, and then run with it. You've got potential.
Fucking shit. Post more.

[lostfear]

vast improvement

[black rose]

I liked it to an extent. It seemed to me like it was trying too hard. Just because he told you to write something new, you wrote something like this. That (at least to me) doesn't make it very meaningful. It flowed okay though. Actually, it seemed alot like James' early stuff.

Keep trying. Go with what you want to write though, wait for a good idea to come, and then run with it. You've got potential. i didn't write this just to write something new.
my best friend's grandma has been in the hospital for a very long time.
it's called inspiration.

[black rose]

vast improvement thanks =]