My first attempt...gimme some feedback

[TheJuice31]

Pretty short, but if it's any good I'll keep at it. This is entitled 'Break Down'...

In my mind lurks laughter, I cannot concentrate/
Hope my teeth don't shatter, none to compensate/
Your inertia's plaguing/
My assertive hating/
I think I'm breaking down/

My skull tastes bitter, my veins are burning up/
Weaker heart has fainted, maybe I disturbed the sun/
Your movement's faking/
Through anguish complaining/
You hope I'm breaking down/

Eternal hardship/
Conveyed through darkness/
At last I have broken down/

[DevilMayCare]

i like it. like you said it is a little bit short but if you play an instrument (piano, guitar whatever you can transpose if you need to so someone can play it on a specific instrument) you can think of a good hook to put in there maybe sing it about 3 lines at a time and turn that last part into a sort of chorus, repeat type thing....no need to take my ideas just felt like putting em out there :)