Positve Thoughts

[lfdfforever]

i'm a solid structure
waiting to be held in soft arms
through the night and the day's shine
a soft amen tells us feel we'll be fine

the divine right has you on loose terms
tighten up that false truth and be a leader for once
we're all ready to follow you
take us to the north hill
overlooking the south streets
i see the person i never wanted to forget

i'm melting into your cracked skin
i'll keep records of everything you do
but half way through i'll forget my purpose
and i'll lay there in a awe of amazement
you're the greatest mistake i've made
and i've got the best lesson from this regret

it seems like i'm set
with the things you've said
they could be better but why dread
a chance for a brighter future
it looks much nicer with this type of thinking
these positve thoughts work so well

[ArTkY_]

but half way through i'll forget my purpose
and i'll lay there in a awe of amazement

These two irritate me for some reason. When I read it my mind just went "...ok?"

you're the greatest mistake i've made
and i've got the best lesson from this regret

And those two don't flow very well and seem very trite.

Other than the 3rd stanza this is pretty good.

[lfdfforever]

oh i see, i'll work on them

[a speedo model]

Third stanza does need some work. The flow seems a bit off and like Tariq said some lines just aren't very good. But the rest is really solid. Nice job.

[lfdfforever]

Third stanza does need some work. The flow seems a bit off and like Tariq said some lines just aren't very good. But the rest is really solid. Nice job. got ya

[parallelism]

Yeah, I would agree about the third stanza; it doesn't seem as solid or tightened up as the other two do.

Except for the lines Tariq pointed out, I seriously thought this was really, really good.

I don't mean to tell you anything you've already been told twice, haha, but yeah. I think that if you switched in a few more thought-out lines, it would be that much better.

You've always got these "simply intricate" lines, and those are what always work for me about your writing. You're great at conveying a deeper message without drowning it in verbiage.

[lfdfforever]

Yeah, I would agree about the third stanza; it doesn't seem as solid or tightened up as the other two do.

Except for the lines Tariq pointed out, I seriously thought this was really, really good.

I don't mean to tell you anything you've already been told twice, haha, but yeah. I think that if you switched in a few more thought-out lines, it would be that much better.

You've always got these "simply intricate" lines, and those are what always work for me about your writing. You're great at conveying a deeper message without drowning it in verbiage. thanks for the advice and the nice words.