A Shot Fired Among Stars (Revised)

[ArTkY_]

Took out the God reference. Added some remorse. Took out the millions of instances of "you," so now there's less repetitiveness.

It's the feeling of someone
behind me burning a hole into my head,
and I can feel my skin melting away,
exposing my brain
and you can easily read my thoughts

And that malevolent stare,
it makes my brain malfunction.
If I could stop, I would
But I live to hurt you.

I am here, alive.
But hopefully this will end
and you will move on
it's better than
when I first said
that I loved you…
it was true back then

But it feels like I'm gone
and you know we've changed
yet here you stand, once again
willing to bet your life that I'll pull through.

Fin.

[a speedo model]

I like this, let me go back to the other one and see if I like this one more...

[a speedo model]

Aww, I loved the: I am clearly alive, the doctor told you so: part

[ArTkY_]

Aww, I loved the: I am clearly alive, the doctor told you so: part
I liked it too. :-(

It just didn't fit with the new version.

[a speedo model]

I do like this one more, it has better flow.

[ArTkY_]

I do like this one more, it has better flow.
Thanks.

[vandalsandquinn]

i like it a lot, " and I can feel my skin melting away," reminds me of the terminator

[lfdfforever]

this is good, check out my new song please

[OveriseFan]

I am here, alive.
But hopefully this will end
and you will move on
it's better than
when I first said
that I loved you…
it was true back then

AWESOME!

Oh man, so good.

Should I post my short story? There's no point really, I've already revised it, but for enjoyment purposes I guess... I'm not that big on it.

[ArTkY_]

I am here, alive.
But hopefully this will end
and you will move on
it's better than
when I first said
that I loved you…
it was true back then

AWESOME!

Oh man, so good.

Should I post my short story? There's no point really, I've already revised it, but for enjoyment purposes I guess... I'm not that big on it.
Thanks!

Go ahead.

[wyverna]

I really, really liked this. One of the best things you've written, Tariq.

[de la sympathie]

I don't know if I like this one all that much, really. It's good, it's got good imagery for sure, but it feels clipped to me.

BUT that's not to say I don't like it, because I do. It's good.

[ArTkY_]

I really, really liked this. One of the best things you've written, Tariq.
Wow, thanks a lot.
I don't know if I like this one all that much, really. It's good, it's got good imagery for sure, but it feels clipped to me.

BUT that's not to say I don't like it, because I do. It's good.
What do you mean clipped?

Thanks though.

[thecurerocks182]

I like this much better. It flows better and it is more concise.

[de la sympathie]

What do you mean clipped?

Thanks though.

The lines seem a bit abrupt and clipped to me, especially in the middle and the end.

No prob. It's good.

[ArTkY_]

I like this much better. It flows better and it is more concise.
Thanks.
The lines seem a bit abrupt and clipped to me, especially in the middle and the end.

No prob. It's good.
Oh, ok. Thanks.

[theMATEOlife]

"but I live to hurt you"

really swell work

[Alex Djaferis]

have to say i wasnt a fan of that one my friend

i did like this bit though

I am here, alive.
But hopefully this will end
and you will move on
it's better than
when I first said
that I loved you…
it was true back then

[ArTkY_]

have to say i wasnt a fan of that one my friend

i did like this bit though

I am here, alive.
But hopefully this will end
and you will move on
it's better than
when I first said
that I loved you…
it was true back then
Anything specific you didn't like?