PDA

View Full Version : Crappy Poetry (But read anyway)


Stitches
12/09/06, 04:08 PM
Well, I know I'm not a good poet... At all. Mediocre [spell check] at best. (I know that I can't get things to flow very smoothly, and some of the word usage is awkward) But I've only been able to write two poems in my lifetime that I was actually satisfied with. I have to be in that perfect mind-set for my brain to put together rhymes and stuff. So give some feedback, negative or postitive, It won't bother me. One thing you should know, though. This isn't "emo." It's more of my realization that "It's time to move on." Cliche? Yes, but it was the only way I could express myself at the time. Here 'goes:

You Weren't There

“Life is supposed to be easy,”
Or at least that’s what we’re told;
We live, we eat, we age and sleep
Never knowing life uncontrolled.

We were taught as children, right from wrong
And we’re told the story of our, “savior.”
We’re taught the lessons, and the scripture, and the sins,
And the evil of human behavior.

I’m told that if I believe in him,
(Someone who I can’t even see)
And if I ask him to forgive my sins,
When I die, he’ll rescue me.

He’s supposed to be around us all the time
And guide us through the day.
How easily people believe in him
And bow down faithfully to pray.

But here’s my opinion on this matter;
A discovery that I’ve made:
If there’s a god, then he’s only of pain
And soon, the good things will fade.

If God is loving, and caring,
And helps us through our day,
Then where was he that fateful night
When I was only a phone call away?

Was he there with me and my pals,
When we were just clowning around?
And when the laughing turned into fighting,
Why didn’t God make a sound?

If he was there that dreadful night,
When Danny thought there was no one there,
Tell me God, what was going through his mind
When he arrived at his moment of despair?

If you were there, tell me why he opened his closet
And reached for his birthday gift;
Tell me why he grabbed that gun of his,
The aim: his dearest life to lift.

Tell me what you did to help him
As he scattered bullets on the ground.
Tell me what you did to console him
When he grabbed extra blankets to muffle the sound.

Please, I ask you, God,
If you’re even real,
Tell me what you did to protect his family.
Tell me, what did they feel?

What did his grandparents feel
When your “followers,” came to tell;
When they intruded upon their home
And told them Danny was in Hell?

If you were there that week,
If you saw me torn apart,
Then you saw the tears in my eyes
That matched the whole in my heart.

You obviously weren’t with me
As I carried his body to that place;
As I stumbled and struggled and could barely take a step
Towards the last time I would ever see his face.

-- -- -- --

It’s been a year since that awful day
And yet the guilt is still inside.
If only we weren’t fighting
And I could have swallowed my pride.

I stand at Danny’s grave now,
In this spot I call my own,
And I wonder if there’s some way he can see me,
Or if I’m all alone.

I wonder what he’d think of me
With all the changes I’ve made since then.
Would he agree with me or regret it all?
Would he still call me a friend?

I don’t know if there’s a higher power
Or where he’d be if there were.
All I know is I must find my own way,
Even though he’s the reason I’m unsure.

OveriseFan
12/09/06, 05:21 PM
No thanks...

a speedo model
12/09/06, 05:23 PM
I didn't like this, sorry.

lfdfforever
12/09/06, 07:31 PM
gorecore

FieryWolf88
12/11/06, 09:35 AM
Well, regardless of what everyone else thinks, I really like it. It came from your heart, and that's what poetry should be. Love ya!

~FieryWolf88

HereUntilDeath
12/11/06, 10:46 AM
Well, regardless of what everyone else thinks, I really like it. It came from your heart, and that's what poetry should be. Love ya!

~FieryWolf88

I agree, I think it is pretty good!

xmy.only.exitx
12/13/06, 08:23 AM
your urge to rhyme makes the poem confusing.period.

Kanashii
12/13/06, 08:51 AM
your urge to rhyme makes the poem confusing.period.

yeah, pretty much. You sacrificed emotion for the sake of rhyming.

Not the best thing to do, ya know?

black rose
12/13/06, 10:02 AM
never start a post with "i know i'm not a very good writer."
no one is going to take you seriously.
if you love writing so much, it shouldn't matter if you're good or bad.
just keep writing.

wyverna
12/13/06, 11:38 AM
It shows your age a lot, which I try not to say, but it seems very generic and non descript. Also, a lot of the rhyming seems forced.

Stitches
12/13/06, 10:31 PM
your urge to rhyme makes the poem confusing.period.
Yes. *sadness* I know exactly what you're talking about. What makes it worse, is that if I put the poem at the back of my mind for a while, and then I rediscover it in my many pages of journal or short stories, it takes me a while to catch on.
never start a post with "i know i'm not a very good writer."
no one is going to take you seriously.
if you love writing so much, it shouldn't matter if you're good or bad.
just keep writing.
Now, just to clarify, I'm a very good writer. I'm just not a very good poet and it's not a big deal to me to be taken seriously. Poetry just provides a quick escape for me. I only picked it up because one of my best friends writes all the time and I love her poems. Sadly, I just don't have talent in expressing my feelings on a poetic level, as I'm sure you can tell. I write poetry all the time, but most of them end up in the trash because the quality is worse than this one. :-( I know, right? So you can only imagine how bad those other poems were. I mean, I defend this poem; I said I thought it was mediocre *still don't have a spell check* and it's more of a personal poem for me and my close friends. (maybe some family) But the other stuff = awful!
It shows your age a lot, which I try not to say, but it seems very generic and non descript. Also, a lot of the rhyming seems forced.
Well, is showing my age really a bad thing. I'm pretty sure that you meant that to be a negative thing, but I sorta took it as a compliment. I mean it's one thing to sound all sophisticated and grammatically correct and still be able to create beautiful words that flow so well. But at the same time, I actually prefer that in 20 years, I'd be able to look back on this and tell that I was young when I wrote it; the same way I'd want other readers to be able to tell that I was young. Isn't that the subjectivity of a poem. Wether it be age or circumstances in the lines, it's kinda what connects people to a poem in the first place, right? Oh, sorry, I ranted a bit. Not intentional, but W/E
BTW, thanks for all the feedback. If only I could take all this knowledged and revise mine to make it sound more at par with all the other stuff... *once again, sadness*

FieryWolf88
12/14/06, 09:35 AM
Thank you Stitches!!! It's really exciting to know that you picked up poetry because I write. That's really important to me and you know it. Anyway, thanks again!!!

Love ya,
~FieryWolf88

wyverna
12/14/06, 09:41 AM
Well, is showing my age really a bad thing. I'm pretty sure that you meant that to be a negative thing, but I sorta took it as a compliment. I mean it's one thing to sound all sophisticated and grammatically correct and still be able to create beautiful words that flow so well. But at the same time, I actually prefer that in 20 years, I'd be able to look back on this and tell that I was young when I wrote it; the same way I'd want other readers to be able to tell that I was young. Isn't that the subjectivity of a poem. Wether it be age or circumstances in the lines, it's kinda what connects people to a poem in the first place, right? Oh, sorry, I ranted a bit. Not intentional, but W/E
BTW, thanks for all the feedback. If only I could take all this knowledged and revise mine to make it sound more at par with all the other stuff... *once again, sadness*

Personally, I think it is. If I'm going to write something, then I want people to look at it and take it just as seriously as they would a piece by someone much older than me. By showing your age, I mean that you read it and can immediately tell your general age gap, and writing by people at this age isn't particularly well written, the majority of the time. You can still grow and become better, and tell that you wrote it at whatever age, but the important part is that other people can't. Personally, if my writing read like the majority of other 15 year old girls', I wouldn't be happy with that.

FieryWolf88
12/14/06, 09:46 AM
Personally, I think it is. If I'm going to write something, then I want people to look at it and take it just as seriously as they would a piece by someone much older than me. By showing your age, I mean that you read it and can immediately tell your general age gap, and writing by people at this age isn't particularly well written, the majority of the time. You can still grow and become better, and tell that you wrote it at whatever age, but the important part is that other people can't. Personally, if my writing read like the majority of other 15 year old girls', I wouldn't be happy with that.

My writing sometimes reads like a 16-year-old, but I still like it. Not all of it does, but some...

wyverna
12/14/06, 09:49 AM
My writing sometimes reads like a 16-year-old, but I still like it. Not all of it does, but some...

If you like it, and you're happy with it, then that's the most important thing.

black rose
12/14/06, 02:46 PM
If you like it, and you're happy with it, then that's the most important thing.exactly.

to put my two cents in:
i hate showing my age, period. whether it is through my writing or just having it next to my avatar. people took me so much less seriously when i had my age shown [14]. i always try to strive for writing that makes me seem older, and wiser. i want to look back at it and say, "wow, my writing was very good for my age at that time" rather than, "wow, i really sounded 14, i wish i wouldn't have." you know?