Die And Let Live

[fifpb99]

Slipping away from this underaged militia,
Your whispers to me are too faint to hear.
I check inside charred blownout houses,
with dinners interrupted by occupation.
Ascending the stairs to the bedroom,
your voice intensifies and surrounds me.
Small openings in the closet door
give you just enough air to choke on.
Your struggle to breathe is now my own,
and this opening has become torn flesh.
Flickering lights turn this room into desert,
as the flames on the horizon burn with irony.
Your inaudible whispers escalate into screaming,
and that shouting has now become my own.
Deteriorating cries produce soft whimpers
as the morphine generates liquid euphoria.
Jet smoke melts into a grey oil paint,
as the sky becomes a disproportionate canvas.
A painted crucifix hangs in the southern sky
visible to millions but the sacrifices unclear.

"Today I escape all that I've seen..."


Constructive criticism is appreciated as always. Also, please note that this isn't politically charged or anything like that just a story. Thanks for reading.

[Ockniel]

i like it, very emotional and well articulated. Its got a nice flow, too.

the title is alright, though i don't see any direct ties between it and the poem, it serves its purpose adequately.

[fifpb99]

i like it, very emotional and well articulated. Its got a nice flow, too.

the title is alright, though i don't see any direct ties between it and the poem, it serves its purpose adequately.

Yeah I didnt really have a title and then I was like "well i should probably name it something on the thread title..." so i whipped that up lol. but, i took it down -- i really came to despise it and myself for coming up with it. lol.

thanks for the comments. :]

[Ockniel]

np, seems most people around these parts wont post unless theres something to argue about . . . :/

[fifpb99]

buuuuuummmmmmmmmmmp

[a speedo model]

I like this, nice job. Keep writing.

[fifpb99]

Thanks alot. I will. :D

[wyverna]

I quite like this but a lot of it seems almost as if you're trying too hard, which makes it a little tough to get through at times.

[fifpb99]

I quite like this but a lot of it seems almost as if you're trying too hard, which makes it a little tough to get through at times.

Where do you feel its tough to get through? Could you quote those parts? Thanks. ;)

[wyverna]

Where do you feel its tough to get through? Could you quote those parts? Thanks. ;)

On re reading it, I must say that I actually like it a lot more. It's one of those pieces that seems to grow on me. I can't quote the exact parts, because it's just a feeling that the first time I read it, I sort of just ended up skimming over it, so it's more of a general feeling. However, when I came back to it and actually took the time to try and read it, I liked a lot of the imagery. It's just very wordy. The only other criticism I have to make is a tiny grammatical error;

You're inaudible whispers escalate into screaming,

Should be your, not you're. Because you're means 'you are', which I don't think is what you mean. I hope this helped :-)

[fifpb99]

On re reading it, I must say that I actually like it a lot more. It's one of those pieces that seems to grow on me. I can't quote the exact parts, because it's just a feeling that the first time I read it, I sort of just ended up skimming over it, so it's more of a general feeling. However, when I came back to it and actually took the time to try and read it, I liked a lot of the imagery. It's just very wordy. The only other criticism I have to make is a tiny grammatical error;



Should be your, not you're. Because you're means 'you are', which I don't think is what you mean. I hope this helped :-)

Yeah I definitely meant "your". Whoops. :P

I know what you mean by wordy. That was a mostly desired effect... I hope it wasn't TOO wordy though. Anyways, I'm glad it grew on you. Thanks for the feedback.

[fifpb99]

leaving for work in a bit so bump for the night.

[theMATEOlife]

i liked this.

i'd like to see (maybe) a line or two rhyme. i like the idea of the rhyming coming out of the blue, but when it's done, it's done with force and grace. might not work for you, but could be an interesting addition to the piece.

- mateo

[fifpb99]

i liked this.

i'd like to see (maybe) a line or two rhyme. i like the idea of the rhyming coming out of the blue, but when it's done, it's done with force and grace. might not work for you, but could be an interesting addition to the piece.

- mateo

I'm overall pretty happy with how this turned out so I don't want to go back and force a rhyme in there. ( But I definitely see what you mean. It'll definitley be on my mind the next time. Thanks for the input and I'm glad you liked it.

[fifpb99]

bumpppp

[lfdfforever]

i like this

[fifpb99]

i like this

Thanks.