Inspired by Wizard of Oz, but quite differnet!

[DeadToTheWorld]

Follow the yellow brick road
Let it lead you where ever it goes
Walking down this path alone
Maybe you'll meet people along the way

The path seems so long
And alone
But I know
When the end comes near
I will show no fear

With no brain
With no courage
I walk down the path
In the rain
This path so big
It's bigger than a Wal*Mart
And busier than a freeway

With so many people
The path is so crowded
I can barely breath
I fear I will stumble
Before I reach the end

Now as the comes near
I see my fate unfold
Like a long red carpet
It's the story of my life
Unfolding before my eyes

So this is what it's like to die
Seeing your fate unfold
Before your eyes
I know I should be afraid
But everything seemed so calm

I realize I'm not afraid to die
If your afriad like the lion
That won't get you anywhere
You'll fear the world
And everything that's do fun

Now I walk the last few feet
To the very end
I walk
To the edge
I see black before me
I long to join the black
Like a baby to it's mother
So I jump into the darkness
And feel so loved
As I fall through the nothingness

I feel at home
Loved like a little baby
And cherished like a lover
Death isn't to be feared
Or you won't get anywhere

[fifpb99]

I think the concept has potential but with lines like...

"It's bigger than a Wal*Mart"

It's hard to take it seriously.

[a speedo model]

What he said.

The concept is good, but there are too many cliche lines that bring it down.

[tinerlikespie]

yea i agree.What he said.

The concept is good, but there are too many cliche lines that bring it down.

[DeadToTheWorld]

What he said.

The concept is good, but there are too many cliche lines that bring it down.

Well the last time I wrote a poem, they told me to use more metaphors, but I guess I used the wrong ones! Oh well, better luck next time ehhh.

[OveriseFan]

Well the last time I wrote a poem, they told me to use more metaphors, but I guess I used the wrong ones! Oh well, better luck next time ehhh.

"It's bigger than a Wal Mart" isn't a metaphor... it's a superlative/hyperbole (maybe... I dunno... about hyperbole. Depends on if the road is bigger than Wal Mart or not...)

The problem is... and many new writers do this, you need to know how to use a metaphor. It's no good if you write:

"His heart was a black night. His lips were a pretty dove." - Because while you used both a metaphor and a simile, it makes no sense, and they're not connected.

How about something like:

"Your heart's just a drowning swimmer. Let me be your ocean."

(Disclaimer: My examples are crap, don't get inspired by them.)

[fifpb99]

But what if his lips were a pretty dove? :lolatpost:

But yeah I would first off stray away from comparing retail chain stores to anything you write. Secondly, you need to structure it better. Less of "It's blanker than blank" and more creative ways to get that same idea across. It might take a little while for the words to come to you but you will be more pleased with what you wrote. If you rewrite this, repost it. I'd like to see how it progresses.