Dear You

[villevalo1666]

Ok...so I was writing a letter to someone... and it just turned into a song..


this is a work in progress. my first post after a long time. Here goes.**Ps. Bold is refrain**

Dear You.
I hope you know, I wish I could take back
All the times I ignored your phone calls
You were reaching to me,
A time when you had nobody,
But I pushed you away,
And made you stay on your side of the street.
Dear You,
I hope that my selfish intentions
Made you stronger, lose a little trust.
I know that you have another to lean to,
When times are rough,
But don't forget the times when I let you in my sheltered world.
And he bled...as all you silly bleeding hearts do
He took a song an made it ours
So sweet it made me stop and sing.




I hate the last line of the refrain...but again it's a work in progress. Comments? Suggestions?

[villevalo1666]

people...please?

[OveriseFan]

You posted freaking twenty minutes before...

We'll get to it(well, others will, I refuse to look at it now.)

Get over the fact that you don't get instantaneous results. People will read it if you are patient.

P.S. I read it... I don't know why, but I did. It's awful. I don't know where to being to help you improve...

Maybe not tell us so much, as give us a story... or use some imagery? Or a metaphor maybe? Not so much hyperbole?

[villevalo1666]

i know...

sorry...

i'm impatient...and silly..

i want to blame it on the fact i think i'm sick...

aww....don't refuse james i need your help!!!!!!!!

i've learnt my lesson grrr.....

[OveriseFan]

i know...

sorry...

i'm impatient...and silly..

i want to blame it on the fact i think i'm sick...

aww....don't refuse james i need your help!!!!!!!!

i've learnt my lesson grrr.....

You didn't take my advice on your last song and use it in this...

So I have nothing else to help you until you start using that.

[villevalo1666]

well....Mellissa talks about you all the time....and you are really good. you help. don't be scared! = (

[OveriseFan]

well....Mellissa talks about you all the time....and you are really good. you help. don't be scared! = (

I have...

In this thread, and in all your past threads.

I don't know what else to tell you...

Look to Romeo, Josiah, Tariq, Grace, and (maybe) Shauna. They've got good advice, and are great writers.

[villevalo1666]

ok. i know. maybe i'm a hopeless case because i don't seem to be getting any better.

i just seem to piss people off because i suck...

[vandalsandquinn]

I have...

In this thread, and in all your past threads.

I don't know what else to tell you...

Look to Romeo, Josiah, Tariq, Grace, and (maybe) Shauna. They've got good advice, and are great writers.
don't listen to brigid. haha

[villevalo1666]

don't listen to brigid. haha
hmm?

not understanding..

[vandalsandquinn]

hmm?

not understanding..
i'm brigid, i'm not a very good writer and i don't give very good advice. so i usually lurk in here

[Shatter_Glass]

ok. i know. maybe i'm a hopeless case because i don't seem to be getting any better.

i just seem to piss people off because i suck...

basicly.

Have you thought about being a Color Flag Girl?

[villevalo1666]

basicly.

Have you thought about being a Color Flag Girl?
what?

[OveriseFan]

ok. i know. maybe i'm a hopeless case because i don't seem to be getting any better.

i just seem to piss people off because i suck...

No, it's because you haven't taken everything we told you and used it...

It's frustrating that you're not trying to use everything we've talked about. Do a google search about imagery, and use it extensively your next piece. To the point where we tell you to tone it down.

basicly.

Have you thought about being a Color Flag Girl?

This kid's an elitist dickhead, don't worry about him.

He's not a good writer either, or else he'd spell "basically" correctly.

[villevalo1666]

yeah i noticed he spelled it wrong...

ok. i'm sorry.

i'm going to google now.

[a speedo model]

You're problem is you hold to cliches, this is just a collection of lines that I've read a million times and do nothing for the reader. You need to continue to write and try to branch out, use rich imagery, try and draw the reader in with a story of some kind. It takes time, but if you try it you will improve.

[ArTkY_]

Trite, overdone, cliche.

Listen to what Josiah (a speedo model) said. He gives good advice. Listen to what people tell you and build on it.

And Brigid, you're not bad at all.

[a speedo model]

Yeah, Brigid isn't as bad as she always says she is..

[black rose]

yea look emily, you have to listen to these guys/girls.
they aren't pulling this stuff from their asses.
josiah always gives good advice and if you are looking for advice about imagry, romeo is the perfect person to ask.
he writes with the best imagry i've seen.

listen.

[OveriseFan]

Can you do me a favor, and maybe other writers here will disagree, but whatever: Write a piece describing one thing, but don't even tell us what it is. Never use the word, or any word like it.

[black rose]

Can you do me a favor, and maybe other writers here will disagree, but whatever: Write a piece describing one thing, but don't even tell us what it is. Never use the word, or any word like it.i like it.
even though i will probably have a good clue, because she's a good friend of mine, but it's a good idea james.
definitly not a bad one by any means.

[ArTkY_]

Can you do me a favor, and maybe other writers here will disagree, but whatever: Write a piece describing one thing, but don't even tell us what it is. Never use the word, or any word like it.
Fantastic idea.

[villevalo1666]

alright, i'll do it!

a thing? definitely.

hmmmmm....ok.

how long should it be?

[villevalo1666]

i am trying. and I will try that one thing piece james said i should write. i know they're not just "pulling stuff out of their asses"...

that kinda hurt, mel. *not being all baby about it, I promise*

before I write anything else I'm gunna write that assignment, k?

I'll do it after my geometry exam.

P.S. Josiah, Artky and James, and Melissa, I really thank you for not giving up on me. I love this, because I'm learning all day, even when school is over. *runs to catch mom before she leaves me at home*

Bye!

[ArTkY_]

i am trying. and I will try that one thing piece james said i should write. i know they're not just "pulling stuff out of their asses"...

that kinda hurt, mel. *not being all baby about it, I promise*

before I write anything else I'm gunna write that assignment, k?

I'll do it after my geometry exam.

P.S. Josiah, Artky and James, and Melissa, I really thank you for not giving up on me. I love this, because I'm learning all day, even when school is over. *runs to catch mom before she leaves me at home*

Bye!

My name is Tariq, btw. I'm a lyrics forum legend.

notrly.

[OveriseFan]

Read my shit.

[wyverna]

Can you do me a favor, and maybe other writers here will disagree, but whatever: Write a piece describing one thing, but don't even tell us what it is. Never use the word, or any word like it.

I think we should all do this.

[OveriseFan]

I think we should all do this.

Ok.

BUT READ MY SHIT!

[wyverna]

Ok.

BUT READ MY SHIT!

Psh, you didn't say 'please'.

[OveriseFan]

PLEASE read my shit!

[black rose]

PLEASE read my shit!haha.

emily-it wasn't meant to hurt you, it was meant to push you.

[villevalo1666]

but how long must it be??

[OveriseFan]

but how long must it be??

It doesn't matter.

Write (this) for yourself, not for us.

[black rose]

It doesn't matter.

Write (this) for yourself, not for us.word.

emily, have you ever had to write a research paper/essay and asked the teacher how long it has to be? the answer is always the same, it's has to be as long as it has to be to get the point across.

like james said, write this for yourself. it's only benefiting yourself in the long run.

[villevalo1666]

ok. so what i'm writing, is describing a thing without saying what it is, or anything close to what it is. i think i've got it.