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fifpb99
12/16/06, 11:35 AM
The Painter

Mixing his oils and cleaning his brushes,
the painter toils and occasionally rushes
the inspiration that needs to come naturally.

Fixing the figurine that he threw at the wall,
he struggles between starting anew or to fall
back into his prior state of depression.

Painting without pills to achieve his prime,
the painters self-doubt turned to inspiration sublime.
Conveying himself onto his one final canvas,
the painter's pistol lay where his hand is.
His pinnacle painting that defined who he was,
a clinical artist uninspired by drugs.



The Painter (Rev. 1)

Mixing his oils and cleaning his brushes,
the painter toils and occasionally rushes
the inspiration that needs to come naturally.
Fixing the figurine that he threw at the wall,
he struggles between starting anew or to fall
back into the drought that he'd just escaped.

Attempting once more to achieve his prime,
the painter finished ahead of his deadline.
Conveying himself onto his final canvas,
Critics looked and asked where the man is.
They saw a boy not meant as an artist,
unfortunately thats where his heart is.



The Painter (Rev. 2)

Mixing his oils and cleaning his brushes,
the painter toils and occasionally rushes.
Fixing the figurine he threw at the wall,
he struggles between starting anew or to fall.
Fearing his work was no longer creative,
he remembered the advice his father gave him.
"Forget everyone else and paint with your heart,
because in the end this will set you apart."
So attempting once more to achieve his prime,
he needed to finish before the deadline.
Endlessly painting on little to no rest,
he finished the work he considered his best.
Conveying himself onto his final canvas,
the critics looked and asked where the man is.
They all saw a boy not meant as an artist,
but unfortunately that's where his heart is.



I noticed most of what I've wrote so far have little to no rhymes so I decided to change it up and rhyme a bit. I tried to make it flow well and not seem forced, and hopefully that's what happens. But yeah, I wouldn't call this finished... it's slightly short and I didn't spend as much time on it as I should have, but I am pretty happy with it currently. Let me know what you think! Thanks.

Edit: Revised it a little today ... sorry it's been so long, been busy with work among other things and forgot about it. Let me know if its an improvement, worse, and either way what needs some work. Thanks.

OveriseFan
12/16/06, 11:38 AM
Eh...

Horrible ending, but good enough writing otherwise.

I'm just not a fan of that whole suicide ending.

fifpb99
12/16/06, 11:42 AM
Eh...

Horrible ending, but good enough writing otherwise.

I'm just not a fan of that whole suicide ending.

lol yeah like I said I kind of wrote this fast, so its definitely not done and open to changes. I didn't really want to do the suicide thing so much either, but I wanted to get unnecessary prescription medication in there somehow. My biggest concern, though, is the rhyming scheme. That was the main motive for writing this. What did you think of that? Thanks.

OveriseFan
12/16/06, 11:50 AM
It was good for rhyming couplets.

There was some iffy flow places, especially the second stanza, but overall you did a nice job.

fifpb99
12/16/06, 11:58 AM
It was good for rhyming couplets.

There was some iffy flow places, especially the second stanza, but overall you did a nice job.

Alright cool. Thanks.

I gotta sleep now (I work overnight shifts...) but after I get home tomorrow morning I'm gonna revise this, both story-wise and structure-wise and post what I come up with. ;-)

a speedo model
12/16/06, 01:15 PM
I like it. I agree there were a few parts where the flow seemed a bit off, but overall very nice work.

fifpb99
12/25/06, 08:16 AM
Bump... revised.

RomeoAGoGo
12/25/06, 01:24 PM
The Painter (Rev. 1)

Mixing his oils and cleaning his brushes,
the painter toils and occasionally rushes
the inspiration that needs to come naturally.
Fixing the figurine that he threw at the wall,
he struggles between starting anew or to fall
back into the drought that he'd just escaped.

Attempting once more to achieve his prime,
the painter finished ahead of his deadline.
Conveying himself onto his final canvas,
Critics looked and asked where the man is.
They saw a boy not meant as an artist,
unfortunately thats where his heart is.


Hey fif,

The first stanza is a good start content-wise, but the flow is defintly off. Both verses are run-on sentences, and the A-B rhyme followed by the off-C (lack of) rhyme creates some problems. Maybe you could tighten those parts or lose L3 and L6 completely.

I like the second stanza a lot though, because it utilizes the traditional A-B rhyming scheme, without that third sentence jutting out. It's also a lot stronger of an ending then the original version. Keep working on it. You have a lot of potential.

fifpb99
12/25/06, 10:35 PM
Hey fif,

The first stanza is a good start content-wise, but the flow is defintly off. Both verses are run-on sentences, and the A-B rhyme followed by the off-C (lack of) rhyme creates some problems. Maybe you could tighten those parts or lose L3 and L6 completely.

I like the second stanza a lot though, because it utilizes the traditional A-B rhyming scheme, without that third sentence jutting out. It's also a lot stronger of an ending then the original version. Keep working on it. You have a lot of potential.

Thanks, I'll definitely take all that into consideration. I think tomorrow I'll try to polish some more of this up again, and see what comes out of it.

fifpb99
12/28/06, 08:07 AM
Alright, 2nd revision. I removed the third lines from the first 2 parts of it, keeping a more traditional rhyming structure. Also added in some new lines I'm pretty happy with. Once again, criticism is expected and let me know which one you think is better / if this last revision is an improvment over the others or not. Thanks.

RomeoAGoGo
12/28/06, 12:01 PM
Second revision is the bomb diggity.


I love it. No suggestions. Bravo.

fifpb99
12/28/06, 02:58 PM
Second revision is the bomb diggity.


I love it. No suggestions. Bravo.

lol nice, thanks.

kissesneverdie
12/29/06, 12:22 AM
Fixing the figurine that he threw at the wall,
he struggles between starting anew or to fall
back into his prior state of depression.


I liked it, except when you changed your form. Instead of using "fall" couldn't you use something a little more to the point such as "fail" or maybe change "wall" and then change the second word. I like where this is going, your showing promise.

apoemtothedead
12/29/06, 01:05 AM
I'd rather watch paint dry than read this again.

fifpb99
12/29/06, 02:45 AM
^How clever.

Anyways, thanks KissesNeverDie for reading and for the feedback.