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nickyano
12/16/06, 05:37 PM
Path of a Wandering Mind

The summer haze creates a film on every tangibility,
Exposing doubt in all we know as reality.
The sun rises and sets on us,
Punctuating our day with the realization of passing time.
Flowers and plants disguise their growth in subtlety,
Hidden from lazy eyes.
Babies are born of flowered skies;
They drop like petals to their mothers below.
On grass contraptions spritz water on gardens,
Countering the lack of rainfall.
Bees buzz as pollen is brushed off
By wings moving too fast.
The air is warm,
Littered with the innocent grins of children.

Dreams drift through an open window
From a man asleep on a couch.
They meander in the humid air.

a speedo model
12/16/06, 06:23 PM
I liked this, nice job. Keep writing, you've got talent. I'd like to see more from you.

RomeoAGoGo
12/18/06, 03:23 AM
This is a good attempt at using imagery, but the poem comes up too forced.


Things that need to be done/removed:

delete tangibility
delete reality
delete the realization of passing time


make ; ---> , after skies
comma after grass
how can air be littered with innocent grins?